A bluesy tear-jerker by Rod Stewart and Jeff Beck here.
Hits you where you live...

You can tell I'm troubled when I'm blogging late at night or very early morning...

I understand and appreciate the need for people to maintain some level of discretion in their lives, their activities, their interests, their relationships- at times I do the same. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with a level of prudence, of discretion. Difficulty begins to arise when discretion gives way to inordinate fears. These fears become a problem when they affect how people behave and interact with and toward others. And this problem becomes insulting when these fears preclude people from treating others with respect, or from simply addressing or acknowledging others with whom one has a- yes- somewhat discrete relationship. I have no false illusions about myself but neither do I believe I am an especially unintelligent, uninteresting- or unattractive- individual. At some point these fears become more a reflection upon the insecurities of those holding them than a reflection upon any of my short-comings, real and/or perceived.

If you type the word "loyalty" in the search blog box in the upper left of this blog you would find that you came up with many returns. Perhaps more than any other attribute or trait the one I value the most, extending and receiving, is loyalty. From time-to-time I've had people ask me why I seem so obsessed with not disappointing people from my past by going much further much faster with "this." It is due to the loyalty I feel to and for these people. (It's also the reason I've- usually- been fairly forgiving toward some of you who have sometimes hurt me.) Almost to a person these people have never disappointed me, have never not been there for me when I've truly needed them. I like to believe I have extended the same to them. This isn't to say we've never had disagreements, missed trivial things, etc... But for the important things, the meaningful things, having people I can count on and striving to be someone who can be counted on, good or bad, right or wrong, success or struggle, these are characteristics I value more than any other. In a word- loyalty. And very few things hurt me more than people to whom I've extended myself, extended my loyalty to, lack the character to appreciate and reciprocate those efforts.

I have nothing else I want to say or address regarding this. I'm tired.

"Am I not pretty enough/Is my heart too broken/Do I cry too much/Am I too outspoken/Don't I make you laugh/Should I try it harder/Why do you see right through me..."

Question: how much change is too much to take from the take-a-penny/leave-a-penny dish at stores? I had to stop into CVS this morning to pick up a couple of things and the total came out to $8.08. I had $8 exactly on me (I hadn't gone to the money machine yet.) Is 8 cents too much to take? It strikes me as the upper limit of how much to take without looking like a deadbeat! What say you?

Did you hear? Michael Jackson passed away. (Tongue firmly in cheek.) While I've never been a celebrity-obsessed person, I have no problem with people who are. We all have our individual interests, priorities, etc... But as a culture I believe we lionize so many of these people out of all proportion, especially when they pass. We do it with so many pseudo-celebs, people famous simply for being famous, people we're often supposed to recognize simply by their first name (Paris) or by their dubious fame (Kim Kardashian. Who? Exactly.) At least Billy Mays contributed something! We did it with Lady Di (remember her?) and similarly now with Jackson, their contributions to society or culture notwithstanding. I'm not sure exactly what this says about ourselves, about our priorities as a culture, but I doubt it says something good.

Anyway... A few things I've noticed recently via my HRT: lately I've had a lot of vivid dreams. In the past I've seldom remembered the majority of my dreams but lately they've been quite vivid and memorable upon awakening. The overwhelming majority have involved people from my "other" life; often-but-not always there's been some minor conflict, dissension, or disagreement (almost never involving TGism) often-but-not-always set in the past. Almost always leaving me awakened with a feeling of wistful nostalgia. Perhaps it's my subconscious mind attempting to grapple with issues I tend to avoid in my conscious mind... On a lighter note, lately I've also begun to notice a slight jiggling up top when I run! I'm hardly stacked (and, barring augmentation, never will be, family genetics taking care of that) and I doubt it's very visible to others, but it is a different sensation, to say the least. It is what it is... Speaking of that, this- Belichick’s greatest hits- was a hilarious read! The droll, deadpan, dry-as-toast comments and delivery Belichick offers- no matter the subject!- are classic... Apropos of little, but almost all of my beauty regimen (and no "it's not working" comments!) consists of Neutrogena products... I've been re-watching past episodes of AMC's Mad Men via On Demand (season 3 starts in August.) I'm not sure what it is that I like about the show; it isn't the inferior treatment of women in that time period (early/mid 60's), that's for sure. And it's definately not the compulsive cigarette smoking! Perhaps it's the- what?- more adult glamour of the setting, of the time and place, the fashions, the furnishings, the architecture, even the drinks, that contrasts with the more casual, more youth-oriented culture that has been what I've known. Would I prefer to live back then? Absolutely not. But it is a fascinating world to escape to for an hour at a sitting... These next few months are some of my leanest $$$-wise. I've made no secret of the fact that I augment my earnings via certain legally-fuzzy Internet activities (specifically, online wagering: pro and college football, college basketball) and allocate my winnings (and yes, the past few seasons now I've won more than I've lost) to my monthly budget but toward the end of summer and thru September these start to dwindle (college hoops ends in late March; I don't play NBA or MLB, football winnings won't start to accrue 'til later in September. Yes, thinking positively!) I won't be eating cat food anytime soon, but I will be more frugal!

Somewhere I mentioned in my blog that The Eagles' Hotel California may have been the quintessential 70's song; the quintessential 80's song mite be The Outfield's Your Love. Enjoy!

"I just wanna use your love tonight/I don't wanna lose your love tonight..."

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

Lately I've had more-than-a-few of those kinds of moments (you can read between the lines) but I do consider myself fortunate to have people who- apparently- still care enuf for/about me to try and "pull me back in." I don't mean this in that they- or anyone- is trying to change me or make me behave in a certain manner, live in a certain way (I don't believe they even know about me, this part of me) but rather in still keeping me in the loop as it were even as it is obvious that I'm not exactly the same person I was 10, 15, 20 years ago, in sooooooo many ways. While I don't wish to be chained to my past neither do I wish to deny or abandon it, the many good people I knew and know... Sometimes I wonder what they think of me (if they think of me) in the the way I seem to be leading my life, my appearance, my still-singleness. But we're- almost- all Irish Catholic, so of course we never discuss these kinds of things... It's a difficult balancing act, trying not to disappoint others while also not disappointing myself, one that will probably become even more difficult as more changes occur...

Anyway... off for my run. Happy 4th of July weekend folks!

"I don't know how to do/Any more for you..."

Random items...

Got an hour and a half to kill and wanna watch a truly cheesy old B-movie? (You mite hafta hit refresh on your browser)
The Naked Kiss

What I'm reading now:
The Gardner Heist: The True Story of the World's Largest Unsolved Art Theft, Ulrich Boser
The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century, George Friedman

A few recent pieces for the open-minded:
New England's Gay Marriage Compromise Could A Deal In New Hampshire Help End The Debate, Or Is It Just A Marriage Of Convenience?
I Choose Risk Instead of banning bikini waxing or harmless toys, let people take control of their own choices.
Bringing Sunshine to the Nanny State Urban progressives are infecting our cities with totalitarianism. A little sunshine is the best disinfectant.
One for the guys: Study: More sex may help damaged sperm ...If you were looking for another reason ;)
And one last one: Type Dirty To Me

I saw this recently on the Biography channel: Animal House: The Inside Story. More here (I gave my love a cherry that had no stone...) 30-odd years later still the funniest movie I've ever seen, always makes me laugh... Dusty Springfield was the female Tom Jones (or Tom Jones is the male Dusty Springfield!)... For those who want to get down early or simply can't wait- the Pats are currently a 10 point favorite in their opener vs. the Bills (I'm waiting).... David Carradine. Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Billy Mays (a giant.) They're dropping like flies...

"Tuesday's gone with the wind..."

The Voice of a Generation has been stilled...

RIP Billy Mays

A soggy evening sipping on an Ipswich ale...

A good friend of mine recently told me he and his wife have child #2 on the way, due near the end of the year- congratulations, you! ;)

We've had some miserable weather. It has been mostly gray and damp and cool since last Thursday, and is supposed to remain unsettled for most of this week. Where is summer?! More and more weather seems to affect me, affect my mood, not to the extent of SAD (a guy I used to see had it bigtime, really affected him in the winter... either that or living isolated up in Glawsta!) but gray, dreary, drismal days have been tougher and tougher to take... I've always thought living in the Southwest would be great, sunny skies with a dry heat (I hate humidity... as does my hair!) almost year-round, but I'd miss a lot around here... Let's just have a stretch of nice weather, 'k?

One negative effect of hormone therapy has been a small but noticeable loss of cardio stamina; while I've been able to maintain my morning runs and my cardio sessions, lately they've seemed a bit more difficult. I haven't experienced any weight gain (as can sometimes occur while on 'mones) and I can still do my 6.5 or so miles at the same pace and my 45 mins of cardio at the same levels, but they've been tougher. Curiously, my strength hasn't decreased. Hmmm...

It's interesting sometimes to realize how often people we've known for a long time stay pretty constant; stability can sometimes be a reassuring, comforting thing. I recently signed up for and activated a Facebook profile (I believe you hafta have an account to view it) and hopefully I'll find several friends I've made thru "this" part of me, as well as make new ones. And of course I also perused other profiles, seeing who may have them from my "other" life (co-workers, acquaintances from college, from high school, etc...) And I found many. But I only found two people who were/are among my circle of friends. Which, in some perverse way, was oddly reassuring; knowing them as I did and- apparently- still do, I'd have been surprised if most of those folks were into "social networking," especially of a non-professional type (some are LinkedIn;) they're not that type. To find that there are people who remain constant in an ever-changing world, people whose actions and such I can still largely depend upon to act as expected (note: my "other" side hasn't created a profile, either. It's really not "me", or at least that residual part of "me.") is, again, oddly reassuring. (Of course, this part of me- my transgenderism- is likely the last thing that they'd expect of me!) Simply an observation...

A couple of discs to recommend:
Middle Cyclone, Neko Case
Rattlin' Bones, Kasey Chambers and Shane Nicholson

"I can't give up acting tough/It's all that I'm made of/Can't scrape together quite enough/To ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love..."