I gave you my heart
And I tried to make you happy
But you gave me nuthin' in return.
You know it ain't so hard to say
Would you please just go away...
Sail On- Commodores

It's interesting when I think about how things, about how people, have affected me over the last several years now. Back before, when my "other" side was firmly in control, I was a pretty cold, aloof, unaffected person. (No wisecracks from those who would say I still am.) Not uncaring, not unkind, but just... cool. Played things very close to the vest, never showed hurt, be it a broken hand or a broken heart (I still have a high threshold of physical pain) largely kept people at arms-length with a kind of benign f*ck 'em attitude (if there be such a thing.) Some of it was conditioning, some of it preventative- don't be too vulnerable, don't be too revealing, too dependent, don't allow anyone to get too close to hurt me. Like many of the people I knew then, and some I still know now. While in some ways I still do some of this, I still allow- most- people to get just so close and no further, there are some to whom I have opened up and trusted and revealed myself to. And with them I generally keep things pretty light, and I'm pretty low (but not no) maintenance as well; that's just the way I am. As I've become ever more comfortable and embracing of my TGism I've become more open and embracing of and toward others as well. Whereas before I wouldn't be especially affected by, say, someone's struggles, someone's losses, someone's fears and such- I'd adopt a Whaddya gonna do mindset toward those struggles, losses, fears, etc...- these days I often am.

But it can come at a cost. Trying to establish and/or maintain some sort of a mutually-beneficial relationship- not high maintenance, not obsessive or needy, but simply one of mutual caring, interest, and support. Understanding. Friendship. Sharing good times and successes. Making allowances as needed. Affection growing stronger over time, growing to like and care for and about one another, the good and the bad, the successes and the setbacks. Giving. Reciprocity. Perhaps most important (to me, anyway) loyalty. These can apply to countless relationships; siblings, friends, dating interests, even workplace. Investing time and making effort into something and then to have it disappear...

Yeah, caring can come at a cost. Maybe it is better to be colder and aloof. I can do that.

For those who complain I don't sufficiently focus on trans topics...

Mike Penner dies at 52; Los Angeles Times sportswriter

Penner had been a columnist and covered the Olympics, the Angels, World Cup soccer, tennis and sports media for The Times. In 2007, he announced that he was a transsexual.

Obviously, condolences to Penner's loved ones. One can place or lay blame and fault for this loss wherever they choose, depending upon their views, agendas, whatever. And it is within the realm of possibility that Penner's death is wholly unrelated to his gender issues- people do take their lives for many myriad reasons. Penner's- reportedly self-inflicted- passing is a loss, to his loved ones, his readers, the trans "community," and to society as a whole, losing a productive, talented individual. But ultimately Penner- or anyone- is responsible for the choice he made (and I use the masculine here only because Penner chose to revert to same) in ending his suffering, ending his life. I don't see anything positive to take from this, save perhaps for him at last being at peace.

Requiescat in pace.

I can now understand part of why the US auto industry is on the ropes... I had to rent a car this past weekend. What they gave me was a Dodge Charger- who do they make these cars for?! I mean, seriously- what demographic is this car geared toward? Who is it designed and marketed toward? It didn't even have the charm of the old Dukes of Hazzard General Lee- it was more like a pimp mobile! I would think that many of those who- might- most like it wouldn't be able to afford one, or would outgrow it maturity-wise soon after. (My apologies to any Dodge Charger owners!)

A decent NFL weekend- that Colts comeback helped (went heavier on 'em- whew!) Still watching and waiting on a few games... college football wasn't so good, but I could afford an off-weekend there (misjudged some of those inter-conference rivalry games, ugh.) Up on college hoops too, but as always the losses hurt worse than the wins feel good... And I found there is a name for that phenomenon; loss aversion.

(More: The Neural Basis of Loss Aversion in Decision-Making Under Risk

People typically exhibit greater sensitivity to losses than to equivalent gains when making decisions. We investigated neural correlates of loss aversion while individuals decided whether to accept or reject gambles that offered a 50/50 chance of gaining or losing money.)

Heard in church (actually, via my friend Jim!) After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home. And I wanted to stay with you guys!'

"Learn to forget..."

Thanksgiving leftovers...

Had a nice Thanksgiving @ my mom's today- always a nice day spent with her! I did- much- of the cooking this year (she's been a lil under the weather of late- besides, I like to cook!) Just a nice, relaxing day... I hope everyone else enjoyed their holiday :) The Packers did their share for my purse over the Lions (sorry, D!) Still waiting on a couple of college hoops games...

I hafta start watching what I eat again; I'm one of those people who can just look at food and gain 5 pounds, ugh. Also- while some people when stressed drink or drug to excess, or smoke, or lose all appetite, I'm one of those people who, when stressed, eats, and eats poorly as well- gotta clean that up! I have been unusually stressed the last few weeks, but I hafta handle it better, more healthy (I do keep up my running and workouts!)

I received a sorta insulting email earlier this week, related to my postings- I've received notes of this nature from time-to-time. A few things... first, I write this for me. I've never made any claim to be an advocate or "activist" of any sort; I commend- many of- those who are, but it's not my thing. If others are interested in me/my life, what I have to say, my thoughts, opinions, interests, musings, etc... great. And if not, well, no one is under any obligation to read this. Second, while I am transgender, that need not be the dominant, nor sole, touchstone of my life. This person took umbrage that my postings are not- sufficiently- trans related. I'm many things; transgender, white, Catholic, college educated, I have a professional vocation as well as a sideline avocation, I'm a fitness enthusiast and sports fan, I like to cook, enjoy good beers, I have varied reading interests, small "l' libertarian political views, while I do have issues in my life (as almost everyone does) on balance I'm a fairly positive, optimistic person, and I'm countless other things. To me, to make, to view, everything thru a transgender prism is so limited, and limiting, as well as occurs to me no more often than relating everything to being white for instance... Ack- I shouldn't let people like that get under my skin!

Making headway on calls, messages, email that I'm behind on- hope to be caught up/current soon! Besides my mom, I have a good friend out in California who has also been under-the-weather for the last couple of weeks; get better, Tilda! ;)

24-6, good guys- Sharon really does suck...

"I bet your mama was a tent show queen/And all her boyfriends were sweet sixteen/I'm no schoolboy but I know what I like/You should've heard me just around midnight..."

He's your oldest and your best friend
If you need him he'll be there again.
He's always willing to be second best
A perfect lodger, a perfect guest...
-Beautiful Loser, Bob Seger

A worthy ethos.

Sipping on a Cisco Brewing Captain Swain's Extra Stout this evening while basking in the glow of a Patriots W over the New Jersey Jets... First; I am seriously behind in catching up on calls, email, IMs, etc... My mom has been having an on-going (unrelated to her recent flu bout) health issue of late and between getting her to various doctors' appointments, tests, even an ER trip, making sure she's comfy and has what she needs at home as well as my usual full and busy days, time has been at an extreme premium the last week+. They're not really sure yet just what exactly is going on with her. I will get caught up soon- my thanks to those friends who have commiserated and offered their support :)

But one- sorta!- funny one from the ER trip last weekend (apropos for here.) So we're just about to finally leave the hospital last Saturday evening, and I wanted to go to the bathroom before hitting the road. So I walk down the hallway to where the restrooms are and start to head in to take a leak. There's this guy standing in the hallway and as I head in he says (in accented English, natch) "No no, that the wrong room." So I'm thinking ok, maybe I read the sign wrong, it'd been a long and stressful day, so I step back to ck the signs, make sure I have the right room- I do- and start to had in when again he says "No no, that the wrong room. That mens room not ladies room." Now, I'm en drab, with a long-sleeved t-shirt and running pants (I don't work en femme nor do I have to dress up for Sat. @ work) all the fashion sense of Bill Belichick on game day! Honest to God, I do NOT believe I look particularly feminine when en drab! But this, being "reverse-read", has been happening quite a bit lately. My hair isn't especially long, maybe short soccer-momish length (it's been longer, tho' maybe not as well cut/styled) nor am I waif-thin (I'm reasonably fit, but not skinny/scrawny.) While on one level it is flattering, or at least affirming, on another it can be a lil awkward when not expected, or intended. (I eventually turned/looked full-on @ him and he finally caught his "miss"take.) But I guess it does beat the alternative, being "sir'd" while en femme!

What else...

What I'm Reading Now: How We Decide, Jonah Lehrer.
“Cash or credit? Punt or go for first down? Deal or no deal? Life is filled with puzzling choices. Reporting from the frontiers of neuroscience and armed with riveting case studies of how pilots, quarterbacks, and others act under fire, Jonah Lehrer presents a dazzlingly authoritative and accessible account of how we make decisions, what’s happening in our heads as we do so, and how we might all become better ‘deciders.’ Luckily, this one’s a no-brainer: Read this book." (Note: Ch. 1 deals with Tom Brady's QB decision-making processes!)

College hoops season has started and with that more wagering opportunities (and work!) for me. As mentioned above, time has been at a premium, haven't had as much time to prognosticate as I'd like/usually do (this goes for pro and college football as well as college hoops) but I have nevertheless gotten off to a profitable start on the- early- hoops season (no comments from the Dayton Flyers Booster Club!) as well as maintained a winning edge on football. As I've mentioned before, this isn't just a hobby or for fun; I depend on this as part of my income... Just need a larger bankroll! (And one for any other degenerates reading this: Failing economy, successful bettors hurting Las Vegas books Beat the books-online, too!)

Been doing a little shopping recently, nuthin' major, a new suede skirt and two tops, as well as a sweater dress... have my eye on a couple of pieces of- inexpensive- new jewelry as well (anyone wants to buy me a piece, feel free!)

I've mentioned it before, but Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday, even moreso than Christmas. Invariably there is more stress, more pressure, simply more activity surrounding Christmas; Thanksgiving is pretty much just a lower-keyed, one-day shot. It's everything I like best, the Five F's; family, friends, food, fall, football! (On the last score, my old high school eleven is limping to the end of a- so far- winless season. They haven't even scored in over half their games this year- yikes. However, a win Thursday would cover a multitude of losses.)

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

"When you realize you just don't need it all..."

Been battling what has been a nasty cold (I hope) I've had for a few days now; my mom had had the flu and between doing for her I hope I didn't catch that. This has been a mostly lotta snuffling, sneezing, coughing, drippy nose kinda deal. Annoying, and certainly not attractive, but hopefully nothing more. What sucks is that I almost never get sick; this is the first anything I've had in I can't even remember how long, a few years at least (all my good, clean living... shure, Kel.) Missed a few runs and workouts, too :( The weather here has been really up-and-down the last several days, from blustery and cold a few days ago to sunny, mild almost 70 degrees yesterday and today ("You know, this is the cold and flu season!") I did get a nice offer of some TLC :) Feelin' a lil better; hoping one more early night will knock it out.

The change of weather also had/has me going thru my wardrobe a lil bit, putting away what won't be- too- practical for the next several months and pulling out what is. It's also put me in a serious shopping frame of mind again- I have a few items on my radar screen...

But I hope I can afford 'em- a good week ATS on the collegiate side was all-but wiped out by my worst week of the season on the professional side. My own fault; for the last two weeks I really haven't had as much time to do my homework as I usually do, I should have pulled back the throttle a bit. For any other degenerates reading this: college wins Va. Tech -11.5, Northwestern +17.5, Pitt -21, Miami -12.5 (went heavier on that one!), Clemson -8; losses Michigan -3.5, Penn St. -3.5. Pro wins Seattle -10, Tennessee +4; losses Jax -6.5, Baltimore -2.5, Indy -9, NE -10 (missed the push by a 1/2 pt) Green Bay -10, NYG -3 (fell in the last minute), Phila -2.5. Ugh. Still well up for the season, tho'...

But things are, on balance, going pretty well for this gal of late... but no one needs to know right now ;)

In the midst of senseless violence, heroism shines through: Her courage makes us all proud

What I'm Reading Now: Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell.

10 on shuffle...
Wear Your Love Like Heaven, Donovan
Unchained, Van Halen
Sleep Warm, Stacey Kent
Surf Boogie, Aqua Velvets
Ordinary Average Guy, Joe Walsh
Colorado Girl, Steve Earle
Tusk, Fleetwood Mac
Red Blooded Woman, Kylie Minogue
Born On The Bayou, CCR
Wild Rover, Dropkick Murphys

"And it's no, nay, never/No nay never no more/Will I play the wild rover/No never, no more..."

Little Lies, Fleetwood Mac

If I could turn the page
In time then I'd rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes

But I couldn't find a way
So I'll settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies

Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies
Oh, no, no you can't disguise
You can't disguise, no you can't disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies

Although I'm not making plans
I hope that you understand there's a reason why
Close your, close your, close your eyes

No more broken hearts
We're better off apart let's give it a try
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies

Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies
Oh, no, no you can't disguise
You can't disguise, no you can't disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies

If I could turn the page
In time then I'd rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes

But I couldn't find a way
So I'll settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies

Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies...

Hoping everyone had a fun and enjoyable Halloween (I worked, ugh... or should I say boo?)

Slowly catching up on calls, email, messages, etc... still have a ways to go. Just been a superbusy week for me, time has been at an absolute premium... I saw these when I was at CVS earlier today; Christmas is coming! (Yes, I'm a geek... but they're less risque than this!)

Speaking of football, a decent week ATS; not my best, but a winning week, and I'll take it, given that I didn't have as much time to spend on it as I usually do. College picks: winners Cincinnati -15, BC -4, Wisconsin -6.5, Ga. Tech -11.5, Penn St. -13.5 (I went heavier on Wisconsin and Ga. Tech, yay!) losers West Va. -3, Miami -7, Michigan -7, Michigan St. -3.5. Pro picks: winners Chicago -13, Houston -3, Tenn -3, Oakland +17.5, Minnesota +3; losers Indy -11.5, NYJ -3. Still mulling if I want to get down on the NO-Atlanta game tomorrow night...

Some more news you can lose...
Right-wing women rock: Come for the culture war ... stay for the chicks!
Works for me! (Easy lefties, it's just satire... :)

The healthiest places for women
New England cities fare pretty well (#12. Boston-Quincy, MA)

And not necessarily news but an item I found thoughtful:
What Works: Baggage Letting go of our burdens

I'm looking at a lil down time later this week... for some reason this one has been rattlin' 'round in my head a lil bit...
No One Needs To Know, Shania Twain
Am I dreamin' or stupid?
I think I've been hit by Cupid
But no one needs to know right now

I met a tall, dark and handsome man
And I've been busy makin' big plans
But no one needs to know right now

I got my heart set, my feet wet
And he don't even know it yet
But no one needs to know right now

I'll tell him someday some way somehow
But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now

I want bells to ring, a choir to sing
The white dress the guests the cake the car the whold darn thing
But no one needs to know right now

I'll tell him someday some way somehow
But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now

We'll have a little girl a little boy
A little Benji we call Leroy
But no one needs to know right now

And I'm not lonely anymore at night
And he don't know only only he can make it right

I'm not dreamin' or stupid
But boy have I been hit by Cupid
But no one needs to know right now

No one needs to know right now...

(Hey- it beats Don't Fear The Reaper! ;)