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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Musings... (while sippin' on a Harpoon Ale)

The Celtics are up 2-1 in their first rd. playoff series, and ('cept for last nite) are looking pretty good. And just as much, they're fun to watch, and they look like they're having fun out there... Little known fact about Kellie, #1: I'm one heckuva cook! If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I oughtta be doin' better! (Ask me for my chili recipe sometime, too...) I heard this one- Survivor's Eye Of The Tiger- while out running yesterday morning; hadn't heard it in years, but it can get ya pumped, in a geeky kinda way! (In high school we used to run out onto the field before the game to the strains- literally!- of our band playing it; yeah, we were the Tigers... Brockton High had a better one, tho', coming out to Gonna Fly Now:Theme from Rocky; they were the Boxers!)... I don't get to the movies nearly as often as I might like; I almost always end up waiting until a flick comes to On Demand or HBO... Ronald Reagan was the greatest President of my lifetime. George W. Bush has been the most disappointing. Jimmy Carter was the worst... Little known fact about Kellie, #2: I'm a sucker for cop/crime/detective books, fiction or non (those set locally get extra points; I'm currently reading The Paradiso Files: Boston's Unknown Serial Killer )... Ever since I was young I've always wanted to travel and see the desert Southwest- Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, desert California; that area has always fascinated me, probably because it seems sooooooo different in terms of landscape, weather, flora and fauna, from New England... Little known fact about Kellie, #3: I'm color-blind (YOU try being color-coordinated when you can't often tell gray from pink, red from brown, green from orange from yellow, blue from purple!)...We've had some warmer and sunnier weather the past week, starting to get a lil color on my arms and legs again (this doesn't hurt, either! ;)... My .02: the Stones are better than the Beatles. Much... I picked up a tube of CoverGirl's TruShine lipcolor (Blushberry) at CVS earlier this week; still trying to decide if I like it... I wear Saucony athletic shoes (The Official Athletic Shoe of Kellie?!), but one thing drives me up the wall. While they are mostly a running shoe maker, they'll also make a cross-training shoe, keep it in their roster for awhile, then just discontinue them... then just as inexplicably start making them again... then discontinue them, again! This has happened like 3-4 times the last several years now- make up your mind, guys! (I found a pair @ the outlet store in Cambridge.)... I've mentioned it before, but sadly it is true: there are too many people who take the whole transgender "thing" waaayyy too seriously. Whatever else this might be, and however (including however much, or little) one feels the need or is able to give expression to "this", bottomline it should be something that brings balance to or somehow enhances one's life; it shouldn't be viewed as drudgery or a burden... Little known fact about Kellie, #4: I'm a very early riser. Always have been. When I was young. In college, even if staying up 'til 3am, um, studying. And now. If I'm still asleep by 5:30am it's a late start, no matter what time I got to bed... The trees and shrubs and plants and all have finally come back into bloom here! The next seven or so months in New England make the remaining five bearable!

"She's as sweet as tupelo honey/She's an angel of the first degree..."

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Transgender stuff...

I realize I don't blog all that often on specifically transgender stuff. Why? Hmmm... several reasons I suppose. First and foremost, I don't consider myself any sort of "spokeswoman" for things TG; "the views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Transgender Community or of any individual Transgender." And just as much, I don't view things solely thru the prism or paradigm of transgenderism, relating or narrowing everything to that one aspect; life is much larger than that! (The same can be said for viewing things solely thru one's: race, religion, politics, sexuality, whatever.) While I don't blog often on specifically TG stuff, I do read others' blogs, journals, etc... as time (and interest!) permit; many are quite well-written. The ones I enjoy the most are those that express the author's views and perspectives and musings and experiences on a broad range of topics, events, conditions, from the mundane to the sublime and everything in-between, TG-related or not. Others I read and, while they are often well-written and, frequently, informative, they lack much in the way of lightness, of mirth, they speak of a life- and a life view- that is dominated by that big T that overshadows- overwhelms?- every aspect of their existance. I don't write this to criticize, simply to state what I see. I have a difficult time doing that here, whether it is opining on injustices large and small perpetrated upon (and occasionally by) transgender individuals, or my own- I don't wanna say "struggle" because honestly it is not one- journey, for lack of a less-trite word. But I'll break with that some this evening...

I'm not especially involved in the T "community," local or cyber. I have several T-friends, and many more acquaintances, local and cyber. I enjoy and have fun going out/doing things en femme, and I'm- fairly!- comfortable and confident doing so (Lord, just allow me much more time to do so!) But more often than not I'm sort of a lone wolf kinda gal. Maybe this comes off as standoffish; I hope not. That's certainly not my intent. But I know what I wanna do, where I wanna do it, and when. And sometimes... I dunno... and this can just as easily be applied to me by others... but if the sole reason for hanging with someone is because we're transgender; if, were we to meet under any other circumstances we probably wouldn't have anything in common... I dunno... that can be difficult. And limiting. Again- others could apply this to me just as easily... As often as not (and maybe it's the "man" in me; um, perhaps I oughtta rephrase that!) I enjoy time spent- be it on a date or simply hanging out- with "admirers" (I said it years ago; we really need a better term for men who enjoy knowing/seeing/dating T-women, "admirer"- or worse, "tranny chaser!" ack!- just sounds sleazy!) While there are some men who are jerks, too often it seems all the guys who seek to know "us" get lumped in with the bottom-feeders. That's seldom been my experience, and it's not fair... As I mentioned above, I'm not an "advocate" for the T-community. I applaud- most of- those who are; whether I agree with their views, tactics, etc... or not, they are out there willing to put it on the line in a way in which I do not. I- mostly- respect their activism. But by the same token, they do not necessarily speak for me. And I wouldn't, and don't, deign to speak for others.

I had a friend recently suggest that I'm in a rut, in many aspects of my life, especially re. my transgenderism; where I am, where I'm going, where I want/need to go. She's known me for more than a few years now, so I respect and value her opinion. Bluntly: she's correct. I hadn't intended to, but as she told me this and I reflected upon it, she's right. I've made little real progress over the last several years now. Why? I don't know... I suppose deep down I know what and where I need to go with this, but I admit I have more than a bit of fear. (I realize "fear" might not be something many of you associate with me.) Fear of: making a mistake, making the "wrong" decision? Some I suppose... but more- indeed, most- fear of: hurting/alienating/losing those I care for and about. I know, I know, some folks will say: "If they really love you Kellie, they'll accept you for who and what you are." Sounds easy. Sounds simple. Life isn't always easy and simple. I realize this is something most folks who have taken this further have had to deal with. I marvel at their courage and/or their willingness to risk losing so much. For me, being a good and loyal child/sibling/friend is a vital part of who I am as a person, just as much as being transgender is; I couldn't just as easily abandon one as the other. But as I'm getting- waaahhhh!- older, there is increasingly a sense of urgency to all of this.

I admit; sometimes I do wonder where I'm going with "this." As I said, I do enjoy time spent this way, living this way, it feels comfortable, and just as much, it's fun! (Sometimes folks get sooooo caught up in the "why am I this way/what does it all mean?" thing that they forget that this is supposed to be... fun!) But I don't- yet- live fulltime. I do have priorities, "deadlines and commitments" (to quote Bob Seger!) that I have to honor, en drab. And there are times when I "have" to see old friends, etc... en drab and I can still have fun/enjoy myself in that role. But my appearance is different from what it was, certainly, many years ago, and even from what it was a few years ago. Far closer to the idealized femme appearance that I've sought (femininely athletic, think: born to play field hockey!) For the most part this is good. But on occasion it can be a little unsettling. I got my hair cut last Thursday; it had been the longest I've had it in a l-o-n-g time. (It's still a feminine cut, just shorter... but it'll grow!) In part I got it done because at it's previous length it was sometimes a lil unsettling; getting "ma'amed" at inopportune times (I have no illusions re. my "beauty;" rather, at 5'6", athletic but hardly huge, and with longer/feminine-cut and styled hair, a quick glance is probably going to register "ma'am" more than "sir" if I'm dressed casually) or catching my reflexion in a mirror at the gym or in a window somewhere and seeing a woman looking back at me; again, while not en femme. Gratifying later, but slightly unsettling when not expected. (Tho' certainly better than the alternative, being "sir'd" if en femme!) And conversely, looking too femme "with old friends of mine" (to quote Jerry Jeff Walker!)... that's something I still hafta come to better terms with, being ever more comfortable with myself appearing feminine, even when I'm not particularly "trying." (Admittedly, outside of 'mones, I do a lot to try to maintain a consistent femme appearance; femme-styled hair, eyebrows tweezed and shaped, neat and shaped nails, smooth body, legs, etc... good beauty regimen, try to maintain a fit and toned body.) And yet, there's still that something (beyond $$$) that, so far, keeps me from taking it that next step.

Is this enuf T-stuff for one posting?!

"It's down to me/The difference in the clothes she wears/Down to me/The change has come/She's under my thumb..."

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Random ramblings...

You could say my music tastes are a bit, um, eclectic, with items ranging from Kylie Minogue to Blue Oyster Cult (workout music) to Willie Nelson (even doing reggae) to Diana Krall, and much in-between (sorry; no Rosemary Clooney...) I must have missed CCD class the day they covered the theological concept of Ridin' Dirty (tho' Barack Obama's pastor does give a more- what?- animated sermon than I've seen at Sunday Mass...) Someone mention recently that they couldn't leave a comment on my blog; I have it set so that folks cannot. Why? A couple of reasons... First- these are my thoughts, ramblings, etc... I do not/never did claim to speak for anyone 'cept for myself (tho' wouldn't it be a better world if more people thought like me?! ;) I don't necessarily put any of these out here for debate (although if anyone does wish to comment/discuss/debate anything I put out here, I'm more than happy to do so: email me here) Second- and more to the point- it denies drive-by flamers an easy venue, or at least from getting under my skin!

Sex takes 3 to 13 minutes, study says This doesn't include foreplay, which for some might extend conjugal bliss another whole 60 seconds! (Irish foreplay: "Brace yerself, Bridget!" Badda-bing!)
Men Create More Housework for Women in general, marriage means more housework for women and less for men. C'mon guys, pitch in and pick up!

Protein Power Several years ago I weighed considerably more than I do now. The only diet- eating regimen, really- that helped, that gave me results, one that I could stick with, was the Protein Power plan. Even now, when I want to drop a few (or more!) pounds, getting stricter on maintaining a higher protein/lower carb eating regimen not only helps me drop the pounds quickly, but also seems to raise and rev my metabolism big time, gives me energy to spare. Since around last Thanksgiving or so, for whatever reasons I've had a difficult time maintaining eating cleanly consistently (and for me that's usually been the more difficult part, the eating vs. the exercise; working out consistently has seldom been a problem.) With the warmer weather soon approaching (yeah, right!) and not being able to "hide" a few extra pounds under bulkier sweaters and such, I've been getting more strict on this, begun eating more cleanly, more consistently- see me around Memorial Day! Speaking of weather, this was a pretty tough winter this year. No, we didn't get buried with many huge snowstorms, but it has just seemed v-e-r-y cold and cloudy and damp and- perhaps worst of all- windy. Just not pleasant. I'm convinced that people who live in warmer, sunnier climes year-round are happier people...

So it's Memphis vs. Kansas for the NCAA men's basketball championship; bummer, as I had UCLA playing Carolina in the final (didn't do so well on my brackets this year; I did alright head-to-head ATS.) Here's hoping Memphis wins (because their coach used to coach at UMass, and I've never been a Kansas fan!) And for you guys who have this problem: How To Get Your Girlfriend Interested In Basketball (or you can find a gal who is into basketball, or football, or... someone like... hmmmm... ;)

10 more on shuffle...
Voices Carry- 'Til Tuesday
Six Days On the Road- Steve Earle
Hero Takes A Fall- The Bangles
Sanctuary- J. Geils Band
Total Eclipse Of The Heart- Bonnie Tyler
Pancho And Lefty- Willie Nelson
Fortune Teller- Rolling Stones
Dreamboat Annie- Heart
Do It Again- The Beach Boys
Ooo Baby Baby- Linda Ronstadt

RIP- Charlton Heston

"Come on, baby/Don't fear the reaper..."