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Thursday, December 27, 2012

I live in a circle
Runnin' around and around and around and around
Walk over the wire
Pullin' down and me down and me down
Sink under the water
Fadin' away and away and away
Crash into the wall if
Only you stayed if you stayed if you stayed if you stayed
Hey Hey Hey
If only you stayed
Hey Hey Hey
It coulda been the colour of a carinval
It coulda been the light in the dark
It coulda been the blaze of glory
That keeps us all from falling apart
It coulda been better
It coulda been bigger
Everything that I need
It coulda been me

I stand in the corner
Callin' your name and your name and your name and your name
Try tellin' myself
I was never to blame and to blame and to blame and to blame
Fall down to my knees
I'm slippin' away and away and away and away
Break under the strain if
Only you stayed and you stayed and you stayed
Hey Hey Hey
If only you stayed
Hey Hey Hey

It coulda been me, it coulda been me, it coulda been me

It coulda been me, it coulda been me, hey hey hey, it shoulda been me...

Monday, December 24, 2012

Diana Krall -Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas


Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Asia- Heat Of The Moment

And when your looks are gone and you're alone
How many nights you sit beside the phone
What were the things you wanted for yourself?
Teenage ambitions you remember well...

Monday, December 03, 2012


I had a conversation with a very good T-friend last week about expectations regarding myself, my TGism, my "other" side, and balancing them while leading as rewarding, fulfilling, and responsible a life as possible. While I do spend a significant amount of time in/as my preferred gender there is also much time in my life where, to meet expectations and all, I believe that I must present as male. I can still do it. Much of the reason for this is/are the expectations that others have for me, expectations that I am largely responsible for as a result of the- what?- image, persona, presentation that I, well, presented to these people for much of my life. My sister knows of, and is accepting, indeed embracing of, my TGism; the remainder of my family isn't (to my knowledge) aware of it. My mom is getting older, she doesn't need any major changes at this point in my life, my brother and his family are experiencing some issues of their own and also do not need any surprises at this point. Plus they all are also dealing with my cancer diagnosis. But also the male persona that they have known for 40+ years, the persona that I cultivated and presented, are what they know. The same goes for my long-time friends, from high school, from college. They all knew and befriended my other side, not Kellie. And as I mentioned to my friend, introducing a female into the mix is a different dynamic than, say, coming out as and introducing a gay male for instance into the mix; friends go for a night out with the guys, not a night out with the guys... and a girl. And none of this is an indictment of any of them, family or friends- while it would irrevocably change the dynamics of many/most of these relationships, I doubt it would sever them completely that any of these people would hate me or abandon me completely as a result. But they do have expectations of me, expectations that, again, are largely a result of my own machinations.

And they are. In our conversation I mentioned that many people I know, from home, from college, from elsewhere, are accepted, embraced even, because they've quote "changed" or "grown," they've "found themselves" as they've gotten older, if not matured. I have high school classmates who have come out as gay or lesbian. Most of my college friends are largely the same but a few have changed somewhat. I have a few T-friends who transitioned, who kept in touch with friends from their past, have showed up at reunions and such and been accepted and all. Yet I feel as if I'm supposed to be like that line from Sudden Impact: "the one constant in an ever-changing universe," again, due to the expectations that I created in much of my younger life of who and how I am. I don't wish to unduly trouble, nor alienate, good people, people I have known for decades or more. But while others seem able to/are allowed to change/grow/find or be themselves, people would at least be disappointed, if not pissed, if I'm not who I'm supposed to be. I'm not complaining; I've been blessed and honored to have so many good people in my life, from all of my walks of life. And I realize none of the above is especially original, or particular specifically to me. But- in part due to some of the medical issues I now have- it is worth considering how the images, personas, and such that we cultivate (and it seems that, with many T folks, these are done to counteract that we may be TG) and the expectations they create, have consequences, consequences that we either have to balance, actively alter, or accept.

Anyway... I've recently started using this- Living Proof Full Thickening Cream, from Sephora- to help my chemo-induced thinning hair (waaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!) look, well, less thin. So far I've been reasonably pleased with the results, it looks somewhat fuller. One of the better side effects of my recent treatment regimen is that it has made my eyebrows and eyelashes fuller; they had been thinning for quite awhile, almost looks as if I'm wearing mascara even when I'm not! But I truly wish it would do so for the hair on my head; I'd kill for the head of hair I had before all of this began. I do need to make an appointment with my hair stylist again fairly soon; it's been awhile. She's going to have her work cut out for her, doing what she can with the hair I have. I'm thinking perhaps of going with something a bit shorter yet- hopefully- fuller looking. We'll see. Or I may have to start going with a wig... On the medical front my most recent oncologist appointment went very well! One of the #'s they look at, kinda indicates the efficacy of treatment, was the lowest it had been since all of this started, over a year and half ago now- ten feet tall and bulletproof! As lackluster as I did last year ATS I've been cleaning up this fall; college hoops last month was particularly good to me : )

Items of interest...
Shifting sexes and sequential hermaphrodites: How sex is determined Deciding sex in the animal kingdom isn't always straightforward.
The Pros and Cons of One-Night Stands For those so inclined.
Cultivate Charisma
Battle of the Sexes: How Women and Men See Things Differently  A new study finds gender-based differences in how people look at images.
Is There Such a Thing as the Female Conscience?
Alcohol Content Database Find the Strength of your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage.

"Now I know/I got to play my hand/What the winner don't know/The gambler understands..."