Random thoughts on a working Monday evening while wondering if a certain someone found what he was looking for this afternoon...

Very good run this morning! These next few months are, for me, the nicest running months- heck, simply the nicest months period!- of the year. There are few things nicer than autumn in New England... My mom is facing some minor surgery later this week. It shouldn't be much of an issue, but at her age anything is cause for some concern... Until pretty recently I was never really into it, but lately I've had a thing for jazz, or pseudo-jazz, or whatever people wanna call it: Diana Krall, Melody Gardot, Stacey Kent... maybe it's their stylings of their songs, maybe I'm- gasp!- becoming more mature in my tastes? (I still luv my rock ;) ... I've noticed more high school football on TV this fall, on real networks, even ESPN. Strange, but kind of impressive- some of these kids are good! And some of these high school teams and stadiums put some of the colleges around here to shame... still waiting for 'em to broadcast a showdown from the mighty Hockomock League ... Nice to see my favorite adult beverage- beer- getting a lil love... What I'm reading now: The Finest Hours: The True Story of the U.S. Coast Guard's Most Daring Sea Rescue, by Michael J. Tougias and Casey Sherman... I'm usually a pretty patient, understanding, caring, and willing-to-give-benefit-of-doubt kinda gal; I just hope that no one confuses my kindness with weakness...

A few thoughts on the terms transgender and transsexual. First; I do understand the differences between the two (briefly: transgender being more of an umbrella term for many/any whose gender expression may not conform to their biological sex, transsexual usually referring to those actively seeking to transition/live as the gender opposite their biological sex.) While I guess I "qualify" as the latter- I'm on 'mones anyway, and spend much time in the feminine role, and lately have been mistaken for femme while en drab- if I need a descriptor I prefer transgender. Quite bluntly, no matter how much health care professionals, activists, everyday transsexuals, and others seek to clarify, far too many people are/get caught up in the second part of the term- sexual- than the first part- trans. We live in a highly-sexualized society, and too often, anything with the letters s-e-x in it connotes one, and only one, thing to many people. And yes- unfortunately- the antics and actions of some transsexuals reinforce the image, the stereotype, that sex- sexual activity- is the primary or driving focus to who we all are. And just so it's clear: I'm not anti-sex! While I'm hardly promiscuous, I'm hardly inhibited, either; if it's someone I like, someone I'm interested in, someone I care for and about and am in a mutually-respectful relationship with, it's great! Just like anyone else! But there is nothing especially or exceptionally sexualized about me because I'm trans. One's trans status shouldn't be an issue regarding one's sexual appetites. But again, due to our society, as well as the behavior of some transsexuals, those three little letters, s-e-x, become, to too many, their primary focus about us. So if I need a term, I'm more comfortable with transgender. Just my .02...

For any fellow degenerates reading this... a good weekend ATS, but one that would have been outstanding if the Steelers had held their 5 pt lead with under a @#$%ing minute to go!!! (I had 'em -3.5 and -4.) I mentioned it before, and it's true, at least for me- in any endeavor in life, the losses hurt worse than the wins feel good... (but at least I made rather than paid for another week of profitable wagering.) I know, I know, no one (well, almost no one!) reads a T blog to hear about sports wagering; the only thing less apropos would be posting T-related stuff on sports wagering boards!

In a little over an hour a Berkshire Steel Rail Extra Pale Ale will be calling my name...

I still like my cheesy 70's-era pop, too (and if you don't think that this is the greatest song ever, I will fight you. That's no lie.)
"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight/Gonna grab some afternoon delight..."

Changes in attitudes...

If not latitudes... Changes. As anyone who has known me- or simply read this blog- for any time has discovered, I seldom have much in the way of free time. Further, I'm seldom good at "spontaneous." And while the latter may owe some to my relatively conventional/conservative nature, both owe most to the schedule I've had/kept for, well, for too long now, and the subsequent limitations that has placed on most of the remainder of my life. Doing my best to live financially responsibly- especially recently- isn't something I apologize for. I realize many folks are struggling even more, and I don't necessarily wish to jeopardize what I have. But... being a slave to the same ol' same ol' isn't doing me all that much good. And worse- it caused me to, yet again, disappoint someone I care for, someone who could have used and is certainly deserving of my time, support, and attention recently, as they were (and are) dealing with a significant personal loss. For no other reason than due to the work hours I keep. And because of that, I was unable to be there for someone who, for whatever reason/s, would have liked me to be there for them. And whom I would have liked to have been there for.

More than a few folks whom I respect and trust, in all of my walks of life, have told me that I'm in a rut when it comes to my job status. That has been their exact words: "You're in a rut." They are correct. And much of it is a rut of my own making, or choosing, or something- being so caught up in the day-to-day that I cannot/will not stretch to find/make/create/seek, or even recognize, other/additional job/earning opportunities, even in this economy. I don't especially enjoy what I'm currently doing (my day job; despite the uncertainty involved I actually find my, um, wagering endeavors more stimulating, more exciting- if not always more rewarding!- than my "real" job. And make no mistake, successful wagering takes work, too... if only I had a larger bankroll.) It's not a position, or field, I want/hope to see myself in for another 2 years, 5 years, whatever... (yes, I'm purposely vague re. it.) If I could go back I'd have majored in and sought a career in journalism- I like to write, and one of my most fulfilling (if not money-making!) gigs was my- brief- stint as a columnist for a publication, well, almost 10 years ago now. It truly was rewarding and fulfilling on almost every level ('cept for the $$$ bit.) But for so long now I've been- or have allowed myself to be- sooooooo caught up on/in my status quo, my day-to-day, doing what's been asked/required of me there that (again, with the exception of my sports wagering) I haven't made, or even found/created, the time to seek alternate/additional employment/earning opportunities. The end result being that I've serially disappointed others, serially disappointed myself; the most recent disappointing perhaps finally shaking me enuf to take some pro-active action, to finally begin to make some changes. (I know, some of you have read these words from me before.)

I have to change some of my priorities, change some of my attitudes.

(Most of you were expecting these changes to be T-related, huh?! If only I was as secure in other parts of my life as I am re. my TGism... And the rest of you were waiting for my plays for the weekend ;)

"It's those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes/Nothing remains quite the same..."

Well, I said I'd try to make my next posting a lil lighter... One thing that is still a lil unsettling- but a lil flattering too- is being what I read someone else refer to as "reverse-read" particularly depending upon who you're with! I was having lunch with my mom last week and the waitress comes over to our table and opens with "Hi ladies, how are you today?" Now, I'm en drab, and my mom doesn't (at least to my knowledge) know (at least, I've yet to have "that" talk with her) and honestly, I don't believe I look especially feminine when drab- yikes! But this isn't the first time this has happened, while out with my mom! I looked up at the waitress and she quickly realized her miss-take and apologized... So, a lil unsettling but yeah, also a lil flattering; better than being called "Sir" while en femme...

A mixed weekend ATS this weekend: actually, a very profitable one on the collegiate side. Of the eight college games I got down on, only Penn State and Northwestern failed to cover (Penn St -29, NW -3, Pitt -6.5, Ohio St. -20, UNC -6.5, N. Ill. +13, Indiana +5, Clemson -7.) A lackluster NFL week (winners: Minnesota -9.5, Denver -3, Baltimore +3; losers: Tennessee -6.5, Jax -3, Washington -9.5, Seattle +1.5.) As for my Patriots today... grrrrrrr.

A couple of friends are dealing with personal issues- one friend has a niece who is quite ill and hospitalized far from home. And another friend had his brother pass away earlier this week. My thoughts and prayers go out to them both.

No One Hurts Up Here, Kasey Chambers & Shane Nicholson

No one cries up here
No one cries up here
Shed your burden not your tear
No one cries up here

No one hurts up here
No one hurts up here
Sorrow fades and disappears
No one hurts up here

No one fails up here
No one fails up here
Have no worry, have no fear
No one fails up here

No one hurts up here
No one hurts up here
Rest your weary head my dear
No one hurts up here.

Sittin' On A Fence, Rolling Stones

Since I was young I've been very hard to please
And I don't know wrong from right
But there is one thing I could never understand
Some of the sick things that a girl does to a man, so

I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.

All of my friends at school grew up and settled down
And they mortgaged up their lives
One thing's not said too much, but I think it's true
They just get married cause there's nothing else to do, so

I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.

The day can come when you get old and sick and tired of life
You just never realize
Maybe the choice you made wasn't really right
But you go out and you don't come back at night, so

I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.

Odds and sods...

...while sipping on a Sam Adams Octoberfest (yum!) unwinding after several days away (or at least it seems like that) for work and a utterly uninspiring trip back along the NY State Thruway and Mass Pike home (and no wisecracks from you, Ms. Kincaid)... I wanna thank my friend Jim for reminding me that having me go should be seen as expressing confidence in and valuing of me rather than punishment (even tho' I still didn't wanna go away this weekend...) Thanks!

A better week ATS this week- whew. My college plays were much better this week (after an abysmal week 1) including a couple I bit on late; of the six games I got down on only North Carolina didn't cover (for the record: UNC -3.5, Syracuse +28.5, Wake Forest -3, Minnesota -3, Pitt -10, West Va. -6.5) and my NFL plays for today were profitable as well, with the Pats (@ -10.5; I jumped on it early) still on tap for tomorrow nite. I depend on this as part of my income; to quote the esteemed Professor Jennings (of Animal House fame) "Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!" I'll hafta see how my friend Chris made out this weekend.

I've been feeling increasingly- what?- melancholy recently. While the change of seasons as well as the 'mones mite have something to do with it, most of it has to do with my seemingly never-ending commitments and responsibilities that result in my disappointing others, good people, people I want to be there for and who deserve having me there for them. And when I fall short on this- not intentionally, not for any other reasons other than job and, to a lesser extent, family responsibilities, commitments, and expectations- serially fall short on this, falling short to people I truly care and have affection for, it troubles me deeply. This past weekend I ended up losing a very good friend, someone I really have deep feelings for, and worse, who is dealing with difficulties of their own and really could have used my support and comfort and attention. And I failed them. And it's hardly been the first time I've done so; again, not intentionally. But that doesn't really make it any better. To the point where he finally concluded that things just weren't going to work between us, even as he's made more-than-enuf efforts to accommodate me and my schedule. And I can't blame him for that. If it were only dealing with my hurt and disappointment over the loss of this relationship, I could deal. What's worse is knowing that I've hurt and disappointed someone else who, for whatever reason/s, needed my support and attention. And that's made me feel sad and low as well... To those who are able to maintain better balance in their lives- salute.

Yikes- and people used to call me "perky"... I'll try to lighten up in my next posting :)

"And honey I didn't know/That I'd be missing you so/Come Monday, it'll be alright..."

To Whom It May Concern...

I mentioned previously that Yahoo will soon be eliminating it's free Geocities web hosting and hence my website. I'll likely add my pics to a Flickr account, and maintain a Yahoo profile, as well as a few others elsewhere. The one page I wish to keep (I originally wrote it several years ago, updated occasionally as warranted) more than any is the following:
To Whom It May Concern
If you've somehow come across this site (and perhaps it's worth asking what you, or whomever directed you here, were doing perusing sites of "this" nature) and have put two and two together and figured out who Kellie is, what are your thoughts right now; surprise? anger? disbelief? embarrassment? Are you disappointed in me, that I'm not the person you thought you knew, or believe that I've been "pulling something over" on you, for years? Do you believe that the person you thought you knew was all an elaborate ruse or lie? If you're angry at, or feel somehow betrayed by, this discovery, I apologize- that was never my intent. I would hope that, if you spent enough time here, checking out various pages (besides my pics :) you'd see that most of my attitudes, thoughts, and interests are pretty much the same as those of the person you've known for however many years, even if "this" is probably the last thing you would have expected of me. The person you know, or knew, wasn't- and isn't- a lie, but rather a part of the totality of who I am.

Where did this come from? Good question. I don't know; it wasn't any "failing" or the result of any abuse suffered as a child, or any similarly lurid tale; I'd been doing this and having these feelings, desires, etc...ever since I was a small kid, sometimes to a greater, sometimes to a lesser, extent. There are numerous theories and such as to what causes some folks to have these feelings. All I know (and this seems to be relatively common) is that, over time, as I've gotten older, this, these feelings and desires, has only grown stronger and stronger, more and more an important part of me, ever more difficult to dismiss. There was a considerable stretch of years where I truly had little or no desire for this; further, especially for those who have known me for a long time, there were many things I did, perhaps not consciously, but nevertheless did that made doing this, or at least presenting a somewhat realistic appearance of this, a non-issue. But over the last several years these feelings have become stronger and stronger. Had I made more of an effort to lead a more "normal" life over the last several years, would that have kept me suitably busy or occupied enough so that this wouldn't have had as much opportunity to take root as it has? Perhaps, but perhaps not. Again, for many, this seems to be something that they can "put aside" for quite awhile, but that ultimately rears up again, stronger, often in one's late 20's to mid 30's, as has been the case with me for quite some time now.

For those who haven't known me quite as long, who know me only as Kellie, and perhaps get frustrated over my seemingly sparse free time to meet and so forth, again, my apologies. It has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with me not wanting to hang out /spend time with you. I do have commitments to keep, and, yes, I do keep busy; probably busier than I should. And when I do have free time, I try to use it in a way that shows loyalty to those I've known longest; meaning, first I try to spend time with family, then long-time friends (and currently, these mean spending that time in my "male" persona) then with whatever time I have left, as- and with people who know me as- Kellie. And on some level, I suppose the tension between wanting, needing, to go further, to live more this way vs. trying to retain some semblance of my "other" self often keeps me in a holding pattern, a pattern that perhaps serves to keep me from more fully facing up to this, from going further and living a more full life this way than I presently do, "running from my devils" as it were, while sadly perhaps "losing all I loved along the way." If I've inconvenienced or hurt anyone as a result of this, I'm sorry as well. I hope you can forgive me a little bit, perhaps somehow understand, or at least be patient with me.

Where am/will I ultimately be going with this? Another good question. There are so many times when this seems so all-consuming, that to deny it is to deny myself, and deny any chance of life fulfillment. And yet, whether it's simply years of conditioning, or an unwillingness to disappoint those I've known the longest, or whatever, there is still that "other" side of me that has yet to be banished, aspects of which, I admit, I enjoy as well. Perfect world- I'd probably already have transitioned. Realistically, tho' it is something I often believe I really need to do to feel more fulfilled, more comfortable, more happy, I don't know if I could subject those around me, my family and long-time friends (yes, that means any of you who may be reading this!) to such a change. This is the kind of thing that, once you tell folks, you can't "untell" them. (*Addendum- my sister now knows of "this," due to unfortunate and irresponsible behavior on my part, and to date has been more understanding, accepting, even helpful, than I could have imagined or expected- thanks! *) I have been seriously considering taking this the next step, if I find I can swing it/maintain it financially, beginning perhaps at some later point this year. We'll see. If I do that, many of the issues that to date I've largely kept to myself will eventually have to be addressed to some degree. (*Addendum 2- as of spring '09 this has resumed.*)

I hope this didn't come off as TOO ponderous or self-absorbed; thanks for reading! :)
(It had a midi of Sunday Morning Coming Down playing in the background, too- added a nice, wistful touch.)
My friend "Tilda" was good enuf to create a page on her space here to allow me to continue to link to the above after my Geocities site closes- thanks a bunch, you.

Sadly, paragraph three has- once again- caused me to lose someone whom I am very fond of. My damn job, my damn schedule... and I can't blame him ONE bit. When he's needed me to be there for him, I have not been able to. He has deserved sooooo much better, and has been more than forgiving, understanding, and patient. Dammit.

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, U2

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

The good, the bad, the ugly...

The good: just got in a lil while ago and decompressing from a l-o-n-g weekend visiting my brother and his family up in Maine- it was a pretty nice time, even if the travel to and from is long. The weather this weekend was gorgeous, sunny and dry and seasonable temps, even a couple of nippy mornings! The mountains and lakes and just the relative stillness and quiet of western Maine are quite a change from around here; while I think I would go stir-crazy living there nevertheless it is a nice getaway, very pretty. And of course good to see everyone again (they had been down to Massachusetts briefly earlier this summer) as well as just to have a lil time away from the grind...

The bad: I got back to find a message that I'm expected to attend a conference out in Rochester NY this weekend with a co-worker. Ugh. First- I almost never have to travel for anything work-related; I'm not in the sales end nor have I been expected to do much in the way of schmoozing with clients. Truthfully, I'm not sure why they want me to attend as, again, from what I understand it's more of a conference than a seminar or something. Second- a friend is going to be in town this weekend whom I owe- and want to spend- some time with. He's going to be disappointed- again- as will I. I had a discussion with my sister about this recently, about how it's bad enuf that too often my work- and other- commitments cause me disappointment, but worse, they cause me to disappoint others, serially. If I was going to be in town this coming weekend I would have taken one night off. I won't even be here. So once again I'll be disappointing someone whom I really don't want to disappoint, someone who deserves better. All I can say is next time he's in town, if he still wants to see me, I will be available. This is ridiculous. Rochester NY...

The ugly: a very inauspicious start to my wagering season. I only got down on three games; all three lost ATS (for the record: NC State -4.5, Minnesota -6.5, Rutgers -4.5.) Three other games that I was eyeballing but didn't pull the trigger on- whew- also would have gone against me (Maryland +21.5, Ohio St -21.5, Ohio U +3.5.) College football has been the bane of my wagering existence the last two seasons; the season is young, it's a marathon not a sprint, the NFL starts up this week as well, but dang, I hate to start in a hole. I need these winnings.

"Down here it's just winners and losers and don't get caught on the wrong side of that line..."