my weblog

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

As I think back one theme that seems clear is that I've seldom sought to create true balance in my life. For so much of my life, in so many different realms, I've often sought, or preferred, to keep several balls in the air at once, sought or preferred to focus upon immediate priorities, instantaneous things, the shortest of short terms. Looking back I suppose it was- is- to busy myself, to keep my mind as instantly occupied as possible with the immediacies of NOW so that I could put off/prevent dealing with longer-term items and issues, be they career-related, better financial planning, relationships, gender/transitioning concerns, and many more... I keep thinking of the lines from Kris Kristofferson's The Pilgrim, Chapter 33: "Runnin' from his devils, Lord, and reachin' for the stars/And losin' all he's loved along the way..." (or her devils and all she's loved if you prefer :) Sometimes I think that I've been running from things much of my life, seeking to escape from facing up to and dealing with things by trying to- and often succeeding in- lose myself in many different ways, with many different things: food and alcohol at various times, work, reading, exercise... A few years back I wrote in a post that I had a tendency to put things off that I wanted to do, doing X, to tend to things that were of immediate importance with the expectation that I could always do X, that X would always be there when I finally found/made/took the time for X. Of course I found out that that was not, and should not have been, the case; opportunities, people, life, moves forward, moves on... "Time waits for no one." Clearly some of that was fueled by my desire, my need to keep from dealing with things head-on. I missed out on a lot of opportunities, a lot of people, a lot of living, perhaps even others missed out on me, as a result of that attitude, that mindset. Since I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer a lil over two years I've become somewhat better at finding/making/taking the time for X but even now, too often I still put things off. Old habits die hard.

I had yet another CT scan last week. I meet with my oncologist tomorrow where I will receive the results and discuss what we do from here. While on balance I still feel pretty well (and in fact have been getting in some of the best workouts I've had in months recently) I'm not expecting great news tomorrow. At best things will be relatively stable from my last scan; reasonably I expect some progression of the disease. Worst case would probably be that it has spread beyond my liver to one or more other organs. My onc and I had discussed a clinical trial as my next option but the folks running that study changed the protocols/requirements and I'm not eligible for it. We may revisit a previous treatment regimen and tweak it slightly; there are one, perhaps two, other treatment options beyond that. The progression of the disease will have some say in how we proceed from here. When I was first diagnosed I did ask what the likely prognosis was and was told that it was typically a little over two years. That was just about two years ago. Again, I still feel pretty well. But each scan, each appointment, each month further along makes me more and more apprehensive about my long term. And filled with regret over all that I allowed myself to put off.

"From the rockin' of the cradle to the rollin' of the hearse/The goin' up was worth the comin' down..."

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium...

Saturday, May 11, 2013

This Saturday night two years ago today I was laying on an OR table slit open undergoing emergency surgery for a colon obstruction that ultimately turned out to be cancerous, and had spread to my liver, with what turned out to be a diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer. While I've had a few minor ups-and-downs (mostly related to, again minor, reactions to chemo treatments) two years later I'm still here, I'm still able to do largely what I've always done, I'm still feeling ten feet tall and bulletproof. I have some great people working on my behalf. While my long-term still looks more short-term than I'd have ever thought, as long as I'm feeling well and able to do I'll keep doin'. I have a CT scan coming up again this month as well as decision about what's next for treatment. Hopefully nothing too bad.

I had one setback this past week, but non-cancer related. My red counts and such have been rising again and I felt damn good last Saturday and decided to really push my run and workout- not so wise. I didn't stretch out as well as I usually do and, well, I hurt my back a bit, a spasm-y kinda thing, enuf to adversely impact my runs and workouts all last week dammit- and the weather was nice too, great mornings to run. My own fault; difficult as it is to accept I can't just push things like I did when I was a teenager anymore; what a drag it is getting old :( 
(But I did get in a pretty good workout today- yay!)

What I'm Reading Now: Animal: The Bloody Rise and Fall of the Mob's Most Feared Assassin, Casey Sherman

Items of interest...
How to Listen When Someone Is Venting I tend to be more the listener than the one being listened to...
Friday Weird Science: Are Boobs Better Braless?  It's all about "perk!"
Egyptian man disguised as woman is harassed

Go Bruins!