my weblog

Sunday, August 24, 2003

A few items to address, but first...those recent computer viruses (viri??) certainly wreaked some havoc w/ various programs, data bases, etc...what possesses folks to develop them in the first place? Always some fly in the ointment, a monkey in the wrench...but, I did end up having an unexpected weekend free this weekend. I wasn't sure how- what- worthy or deserving I was of trying to enjoy it after my last stint of time free (more on that below), but...spent a VERY pleasant evening last night with a VERY close friend (and my favorite- heck, my only!- New York sports fan :) strolling along the Charles, watching boats cruise the river at night (and it was a beautiful evening, the weather was absolutely gorgeous), even saw a gondola, the lights of Boston and Cambridge in the distance...just a very peaceful, relaxing evening (and only two drinks)...the kind of evening I REALLY needed; thanks sooooo much, D! :)

I've been pretty- no, actually extremely- bummed out and filed w/ considerable self-loathing and anger since earlier this month, as my previous entry probably indicated. For anyone who couldn't read between the lines, I was caught driving under the influence earlier this month. First and only time ever arrested (I HATE having to say that, but I brought it upon myself)...can't say it was the first time I'd driven impaired (tho' it WILL be the last.) Thank God I didn't injure anyone, nor damage anyone's property, nor damage my own or injure myself. I got pulled over for speeding on my way home after an evening of a few too many drinks on any empty stomach and, upon inspection, was found to be impaired. And I was en femme. The police were very professional- they were only concerned w/ the violation of law (and I was cooperative.) But since the incident, and with the subsequent loss of driving privileges, I've felt, and been laying, very low...nothing like being arrested for the first time, and being en femme, to take the wind out of one's sails. I blame no one but myself- I screwed up, I was irresponsible, I thank God I didn't harm anyone, I deserve whatever sanctions come my way, and I need to learn from this and attempt to move forward, wiser and more responsible, with more consideration, of how my actions can affect others. Two positive things did come of this; one, between a loss of appetite and having to walk more often, I've lost almost 8 lbs this month :) But more significantly, as a result of my arrest, my sister now knows of my transgenderism. I always figured that, if/when I eventually needed to have "that talk" with a member of my family, she would have been the one I would have had it with first. And while I certainly would have preferred a more, what, wholesome reason for finally divulging this than having been arrested for OUI, the understanding, acceptance, and support she has shown me has been FAR more than I ever expected, or certainly deserve, and I appreciate it more than she may ever know. But still, I'd rather have my "secret"- and my clean record- intact. I feel such shame and loathing over the OUI, and I feel more than a little guilt over having foisted "this" upon my sister when, no matter what, knowing this about doesn't serve her in any way, it doesn't improve her life or anything of that sort. I suppose it's just more irresponsibility, more thoughtlessness, more self-centeredness on my part, not considering how my actions may affect others. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...??

"Ever since I was a kid in school/I messed around with all the rules/Apologized then realized I'm not different after all..."

Friday, August 01, 2003

I'm an idiot. No, I'm an immature, self-centered jerk, someone who thinks very little about how their actions may affect others. I did something last night- something I've sadly, stupidly done countless times since I was 16 or so, many times worse than last night- and got caught, and am going to have to pay the consequences both later this morning and for however long it affects me. What's more- and worse- this affects others, others who have had to alter their plans to help me deal with this predicament, others who have made plans and now see those plans screwed up because of my selfishness. Further, this may necessitate someone VERY close to me discovering my "secret" when obviously, for their sake as well as mine, I'd rather it did not, particularly under these circumstances. Anyone who knows me well can probably read between the lines of this; for those who don't, you're probably better off not knowing an irresponsible, immature loser like me. Time to begin paying the piper in a little bit- serves me right; perhaps I'll finally begin to face up to some things, instead of just burying them as I've done for 20+, that would mean I'd grow up and learn something, I wouldn't want to do that. What a jerk I am- way to start a vacation, loser.

"One little problem that confronts you/Got a monkey on your back/Just one more fix, Lord, might do the trick/One hell of a price for you to get your kicks..."