my weblog

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Tapping out an entry while sipping on a Gritty McDuff's Scottish Ale and watching the NCAAs...(and what a tournament it's been- lotta upsets, lotta close and OT prognostications were a bit off this year, as only one of the teams I had picked to go to the Final Four- UCLA- actually made it...and it's been a l-o-n-g time since my UMass Minutemen have been in it- waaaahhhhh!)

Still trying to shake off these end-of-winter blues...yes, I know it's now officially spring, but the weather- with few exceptions- has yet to jes' been feelin' a bit more introspective than usual of late, trying to deal with/sort out a few personal things (some that I won't be addressing in detail here)...I've just been feeling- again- that I have fallen so short of so many expectations, expectations that others have had of/for me and expectations that I've had of/for myself, in so many different areas of my life. More and more I've fallen out of touch with many/most of my longtime friends. Some of that can be chalked up to changes in their lives (marriage, kids, etc...) but much can be chalked up to the fact that increasingly (over several years now) I just cannot or have not made adequate time to keep those friendships as strong as they should be, given those people the attention that they deserve. I feel as if I've fallen short in the loyalty department, one area I've always believed to have been a strong point of mine, but feel as if maybe I've been giving myself too much credit there, believing I've been doing a good job when it should be so apparent that I have not.

Professionally, I'm not anywhere near where I want to be at this stage of my life. Whether it is due to being complacent, due to laziness, due to fear to really take a chance and take a shot at doing something more fulfilling, more rewarding, more challenging (not to mention giving me more- heck, any!- free time on any kind of regular basis) or simply due to the fact that I have no real idea what I'd truly like to be doing...

My mom has been starting to show signs of age. Nothing major, nothing dramatic, but just been not quite as strong and healthy and robust as she's been. It's just been a bit difficult seeing her start to age, to realize that she is getting older, at times wondering how many more Thanksgivings, Christmases, etc... she'll be here for. I've always enjoyed a truly great relationship with her, and admire her in so many ways. And wondering also if the way I've conducted my life has disappointed her...

And I've been lonelier of late...again, my own fault due to my seldom having many conducive nights/weekends free to socialize, meet anyone, date, etc... I hate to admit how long ago my last date was...again, I've had offers- fewer and farther between of late- but seldom have been able to find/make the time to see anyone whom I might wanna see when they've also had reciprocal times in their schedules free. I'm not a clingy person, but I admit, it is nice to spend some one-on-one time with someone; I've missed it. And I'm not an especially shy person, as I believe most of the people whom I've met and know would attest. But part of it is me...I sometimes feel as if I let people get only so close, and no more. I think I have a stronger-than-average fear of being hurt. Not physically- even now this gal can still handle herself if need be ;) But some level perhaps I keep people at arm's length, letting them get only so close, and no closer, so as not to give them the chance to hurt me. I've always been this way when it comes to relationships. And yes, I miss out on a lot because of that (yet another one of those traits I need to work on.)

I dunno...I just feel as if I've fallen so short of the person I want to be, the person I can be, the person I should be, disappointing and hurting others- and myself- in the process. I don't believe my transgenderism has played a great role in any of this, I don't see it as being responsible for many/any of these things; were I to truly try to deny it, I still see the same failings occuring. I need to work harder on living and being the person I believe myself to be, not merely talking the talk (loyal, driven, caring, giving, living) but walking the walk.

"She's always out making pictures/She's always out making scenes/She's always out the window/When it comes to making dreams..."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

~Worth pondering, wherever one finds oneself in our "culture wars"~
Seven Hours From Home

Seven hours from home, no one knew the car. No one knew his face. No one knew he had been the star quarterback just five years ago.

Seven hours from home, no one knew he had graduated at the top of his class. No one knew that even with the full academic scholarship, his family couldn't afford college books and fees. No one knew the valedictorian had to leave college and worked for a construction company instead.

Seven hours from home, the guys from the construction sites who catcalled at women and cracked gay jokes couldn't see him wince.

Seven hours from home, the teachers and coaches who'd believed in him were nearly-forgotten, like dreams from another night.

Seven hours from home, the prom date he'd lost his temper with because he just didn't feel like kissing her was like a snapshot from someone else's life.

Seven hours from home, his rough and tumble brothers—hunters, soldiers and farmers—were too far away to make him pretend to be tough like them.

Seven hours from home, the angry disappointment in his mother's eyes and the furious destruction in "Dad the Deacon's" voice could never be heard again.

Seven hours from home, he was far enough away from everyone he'd wanted to please. He was far enough away to know that just being smart, witty, athletic, strong, loving and self-aware would never be enough. He knew that while he'd been born with every blessing a Catholic boy in a rollicking family could want, he would never be enough. He knew that no matter where he went, they would haunt him and be haunted by him. He knew they would always whisper. He knew they were ashamed. He knew he could only relieve them of the disappointment and shame, the fear and the fury, if he got far enough away.

Seven hours from home, he knew there was nowhere he could drive that was far enough away to alleviate their horror at his "intrinsic disorder."In the hotel room seven hours from home, he drank enough to feel numbed. He drove to a parking lot near woods, blood already flowing from the long slender wounds tracking his wrists. He walked into the woods, found a peaceful place to lean against a tree, and waited to go somewhere far enough away.

Seven hours from home, someone finally reported that a car with Ohio plates and no student parking sticker hadn't moved from a student parking lot for ten or twelve days. A rainbow air freshener hung from the rearview mirror, tangled with a rosary. The interior was spectacularly clean except for the spill all over the front seat and the steering wheel.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Nothing particularly profound...

The almost-end-of-winter doldrums have set in...March, to me, is the worst month of the year; winter's- usual- last gasp, the promise of warmer weather- seldom delivered- a long month (it's 31 days feeling like 50) where it seems the cold and the wind and the raw weather since- what?- December have long since overstayed their welcome, but warmer weather still seems so elusively far off. Do you get the idea that I hate winters in New England?!

I'm just feeling a bit burnt out right now, in so many ways. I may not be online quite as much the next couple of weeks or so, I just need a lil downtime. I'll do my best to keep up- and catch up!- on email, IMs, phone calls, etc... But I just need a lil break, a lil breather, to recharge myself a bit.

"'Cuz I tried to love you/But didn't fit in/I came on the dust/And I'll leave on the wind."