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Friday, June 10, 2011

A bit self-indulgent, but in light of my recent health issues, and also due to currently having a lot of- what?- empty time on my hands, I've been giving thought lately to what my life might have been like had I been born GG.

I've been aware of my trans feelings ever since I was 5 or 6 years old. Fortunately I've never suffered any real guilt or turmoil over those feelings; then as now, I accepted that it is what it is, a part- albeit a deep part- of what makes up the totality of who I am as a person. And while I have been aware of this part of me for almost as long as I can remember by the same token living my "other" life was never an excessive burden to me- I did and have done many of the stereotypical "male" things, and found enjoyment in them. But always with the feeling- sometimes very slight, but almost always present- that something was just a bit different, a bit off, from how it seemed the rest of my male friends did and enjoyed those things. One area was always dating. While as a male I've only been attracted to GG's (obviously, given my TGism, I can appreciate that gay men are wired the way that they are, but male-male sex has never held any appeal to me) in a way I believe it was more out of admiration, out of longing, than out of lust; put bluntly, I wanted to be them more than I wanted to do them. (And perhaps curiously but I've had more of a dating life as Kellie, dating admirers, than I had/have as my other self. And I suppose, especially in light of my recent health issues, it probably has been good that I never married, not wanting to leave a spouse, children, etc... sooner than expected.)

But getting back to what my life might have been like had I been born GG... First, apparently I would have been named Victoria (personally I like Kellie better, Victoria being a lil too British for someone of largely Irish descent! Christine I could have lived with.) What would I have been like as a little girl? I've always bonded pretty well with my older sister as is; what would our relationship, past and present, had been like had I been GG? Instead of paling around with the boys in the neighborhood I would have been friends with the girls; thinking back I don't remember most of them being especially girlie-girl, doll-playing types, but I can't be sure. Who would I have hung out with in school? As a little kid I was, I suppose, precocious- would I have been a teacher's pet type (I hope not!) Would I have joined Brownies, Girl Scouts?

Growing older, once I hit junior high and high school, what clique would I have fallen in to? I believe that, unlike I did, I would have kept my grades high and not tried to dumb down a bit as I did (so as not to stand out as too intellectual.) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have drank as much as I did... and I'd had to have been a better dancer than I was (and am!) Would I have been a quiet, brainy type? Would I have been a cheerleader? An athlete? I can see myself playing field hockey and basketball- my brother and sister both played tennis in school, perhaps I would have picked that up then as well. Would I have been popular? What would my first job had been- store clerk, cashier, waitress, lifeguard, something else? When- and with who- would have been my first dance, first kiss, first date, first... ? (Knowing what I do about the guys I went to school with, those are scary thoughts indeed! :) What kind of daughter, what kind of sister, what kind of friend would I have been?

After high school, what about college? Would my grades have been better that perhaps I might have gone to a different school than the Large State University 90 or so miles west of here? Another large school? A small school? Single-sex or coed (my sister went to an all-women's school.) What would I have chosen to major in- English? Journalism? Something totally different? What activities would I have participated in? Would I have joined the school paper and/or literary journal? Would I have played a sport? Would I have joined a sorority? Would I have sought a master's degree? A doctorate?

Careerwise, what would I have done? Would I still be in consulting? Would I have gone into journalism of some sort? Perhaps something editorial or elsewhere in publishing? Might a different academic focus had led me in a completely different direction careerwise? Or the vicissitudes of the economy led me elsewhere? Would my life be balanced, or career-centric? And where would I be living- in a city? The 'burbs? Still in New England? Elsewhere?

And relationship-wise... When would I have truly fallen in love? Would I have? At what age might I have married? What kind of relationship, what kind of life, might we have shared together? Would we have had children? How many? Would I have been a good mother, a good wife? Would I have remained single? How would my future have unfolded?

I realize none of these thoughts are especially original; I imagine most folks who are trans have likely pondered these questions at some point, pondered what life would have been like not merely seeking to or having transitioned male-to-female but actually having been female from birth. While my dual life hasn't been intolerable if I'm honest I truly believe that my life would have been happier, more fulfilled, had I been born GG.

But we can only play the cards that we're dealt in life.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

I'm currently dealing with some sudden, totally unexpected- and unfortunately quite serious- personal health issues. As such I'm very behind catching up on/returning calls, emails, messages, etc... Please have patience with me, and hold a good thought for me if you wish. Thanks.