my weblog

Monday, March 24, 2003

Permit me another somewhat self-indulgent post tonite? (Hey, it's my blog and I can whine if I want to! ;) Actually it's not a whine so much as just some thoughts on, what any reader of this perverse lil thing knows, is a perennial subject.

Loyalty. A friend of mine recently helped me to realize how, if not destructive, counter-productive my too-strong sense of loyalty to others can be to me. Briefly, a mutual acquaintance of ours is going thru some difficult times right now. But this acquaintance (and we've each known this person for close to ten years now) quite frankly had treated me pretty poorly for a fairly extended time. Yet, because in the past this person was quite kind to me, my sense of loyalty to this person over our shared past served to keep me suffering the "slings and arrows" as it were of this person's more recent shabby treatment toward me. My friend made it clear how wrong this was, and how useless it was to me; clearly our shared acquaintance has had no consideration of me, my loyalty and care and consideration toward this person going unappreciated, indeed, almost spit upon.

I've had a few other reasons to re-consider my strong sense of loyalty. Too many people have just proven not worthy of that level of, well, loyalty. Interestingly, it has been more recent friends who have proven this way; longer-time friends, even those I don't have as much contact with as I'd like or used to, nevertheless have usually been there for me (as I have been for them.) Some of the people whom I've met via this website and tried to maintain some sort of relationship with have proven unworthy of that, or almost any, significant level of loyalty or consideration; even such simple things as returning a call or email or IM seem to be beyond some of them. It's not about me being "clingy" or "needy"; if need be, I can be as cold and calculating as anyone you may ever meet (I try not to be anymore, I spent too much time that way), but rather, it's about some level of reciprocity, of mutual respect and consideration. The people in my life who are capable of that, THOSE are the ones worthy of my loyalty; for those who can or are not, you're on notice! ;) Seriously, I probably do need to put my feelings and such first more than I do. I'm not, and never have been, anyone's doormat, it's not about that sort of thing, but more, expecting, and not settling for less than, some level of reciprocity, of consideration, of me. For those who cannot handle this, hey, I'll be pleasant toward ya, but don't expect me to extend myself any longer to a level YOU'RE not willing to reach for.

"You and I travel to the beat of a different drum..."

Saturday, March 22, 2003

Doing so-so on my NCAA brackets so far (and it's only Saturday- agh!)...a couple of teams that hurt me were Memphis (thanx Coach Cal), and Dayton (thanx Cathy), had 'em both going to the Sweet 16.

So it's would've been nice if that early strike on Saddam and his cronies had forced a quick regime surrender, but sadly, those rosy scenarios seldom happen in conflict...and even more sadly, there already have been a few matter your feelings on this action, everyone should hope and pray that Saddam's regime and military realize the futility of continuing, and that surrender/capitulation comes before much more harm need be visited upon our troops or Iraqi civilians.

"We're running with the shadows of the night/So baby take my hand, it'll be alright/Surrender all your dreams to me tonight/They'll come true in the end..."

Monday, March 17, 2003

Went out last nite...wore my green minidress, and hoisted a couple of pints of Guinness in honor of the Patron Saint (yes, I CAN drink responsibly! lol!)...had a nice time, tho' I think I've heard enuf U2 to last me 'til summer!...Nice run this morning, the air was a lil warmer, the sun was bright, felt good...could it be, gulp, spring?!...Hey- have you ever listened to the commercials on any sports radio station? They all seem to fall into three categories- carb-blocking snakeoil ("blocks even that favorite carb- beer!"); hair regrowth/rejuvenation creams, dreams, and schemes; Viagra-like products. It makes you wonder what the sales staffs consider their audience- fat, balding guys with ED?! Yikes...And time to start filling out those "for recreation purposes only" NCAA brackets...I haven't given mine much of a look yet...there hasn't seemed to have been any team head and shoulders above the rest this season, 6-8 teams all seem to have a decent shot at winning it all...and they're playing some of the East Regional games at the FleetCenter this year- anyone wanna take me?!...Happy St. Patrick's Day- slainte!

"She is handsome, she is pretty/She is the belle of Belfast city..."

Sunday, March 16, 2003

Sometimes I think I come across as aloof or standoffish. I'm not, and I don't try to be, but often I get the impression people sometimes believe I am that way. What it is is often I'm a lot more shy or reserved than maybe people think or expect me to be. I'm seldom one who is comfortable just going up to someone I don't know and striking up a conversation or something. I'll chat up most anyone who is respectful or nice or interesting, but, I dunno, I often have a difficult time being tremendously "outgoing" maybe toward/with people i don't know (unless, of course, I've had a drink or two or six- clink!) Which brings me to another Kellie "perennial"; yet again, I HAVE to remember I cannot drink as much, nor do I wish to, as I once did. I finally had a weekend free, and I went out Friday night. A good, long night's sleep, to re-charge myself, probably would've been best, but I wanted to go out. So I did. After a pretty intense workout. And on an empty stomach. With the predictable results countless vodka & tonics later- Saturday morning (and afternoon!) were pretty rough. But last night (yes, went out again!) I was a good girl, actually stuck w/ diet Coke (no place serves Vanilla Diet Coke, agh!) the entire night, which either made me, or the drinking people around me, more dull, lol! And yes, I'm looking at some extended free time the next couple of weeks, yay! Now, if the weather starts to improve...and start getting your NCAA brackets ready, it's gonna be tournament time soon!

So, any lesson from any of the above is: if you see me out and about, by all means, please, come over, say hello, strike up a conversation with me, I won't bite- much!- maybe share a vodka & tonic with me, and we can talk college hoops for an icebreaker! ;)

"On the Sunday morning sidewalks, Wishin' Lord that I was stoned/Cuz there's something in a Sunday, Makes a body feel alone..."

Friday, March 14, 2003

It's hard sometimes to see, or even think, of our parents getting older or sick; for so long, they've always been the ones we see as so strong, capable, etc...This was brought home to me a little bit earlier this week as I had to take my mother to the hospital after she suffered a- fortunately!- minor health complaint, but one that, at the time, seemed, and indeed, was, somewhat serious. She's in her late 60's now, still works fulltime, still active, still, until that event, very healthy, but, as it was a heart-related kind of thing (NOT a heart attack), it was something that had her, and me, on edge, particularly as they kept her in the hospital overnight for observation and tests. I love my mother dearly, she means more to me than anyone else on this earth (my father passed away when I was 10), and while she seems to be fine, no problems, most likely it was just a "transient" event as one friend put it, I hate to think of what would happen should, and I guess at some point it may be when, she is no longer here...Cherish those you love.

"In this great future, you can't forget your past..."

Monday, March 10, 2003

Random thoughts while waiting for the January thaw (yes, it IS March 10- agh!)...This has been an unrelenting winter around these parts this year, with below average temps stretching back, actually, to mid October...a cold, biting wind today...December and January were cold, then February brought cold AND snow (snowiest February on record in Boston, surpassing even '78)...I've never been a winter/snow sports person to begin with...Vegas is looking VERY good right about now...maybe next year...and between a knee injury I suffered back in November that took forever to heal up, a twisted ankle late last month (which healed up pretty quickly- yay!), and just the BITTER cold and wind chills, snow, and ice, my running has taken a real beating this winter, mileage is WAY down (I CANNOT run indoors on a treadmill!)...and my weight has crept up a lil bit, waaaahhh :( ...A few from the sports world...did anyone else read about the St. Bonaventure basketball team just quitting for their last two games of the season, the players deciding to not play them, because one of their teammates got caught taking a bogus course (welding, yet!), declared ineligible, and the team had to forfeit several W's from earlier in the season? I can understand the players being upset about the forfeited wins, but what kind of message did the coaching staff, and the school administration, send to these kids- and the student body at large- by allowing them to quit when things didn't go their way?...on the positive side, my UMass Minutemen were the beneficiaries of one of those "quit" games (we can use all the help we can get this season! :)...but seriously, the UMass players were hurt by this as well, losing an opportunity to play...The NCAA's start later this month!...but can anyone explain WHY (except, of course, for the added revenues for the NCAA) the field of 64 was expanded to a field of 65, with that silly "play-in" game? It just screws up everyone's brackets!...Listening to some Beach Boys in a futile attempt to feel more summery...and sippin' on a Diet Vanilla Coke- it's still good, whenever I can find it!

On a more serious looks like action vs. Saddam will commence soon after the 17th...lately, I don't know who is more annoying- many of the so-called "anti-war" types who seem to blame EVERYONE but Saddam Hussein for the current situation, or some of the armchair quarterback types who seem absolutely giddy about the prospect of war...folks, this isn't a game. For the protesting folks, understand: while you may disagree w/ President Bush, on this and many issues, he is not the one who has thwarted UN mandates, resolutions, etc...for twelve years, nor is he the one who has invaded his neighbors, and gassed his own people. That would be Saddam Hussein. Understand who the real evil is here...and for the Generals of the Airwaves and Keyboards? Understand- war, and weaponry, are violent tools, to be used only when, and as, necessary. Just because we can shoot a missile up a camel's ass from half a world away, that's nothing to get giddy about, OK? Innocent people are going to be hurt, on all sides...And on a broader note...I've never been one who believes in karma, or the stars being in, or out, of alignment, but the last couple of years have been trying rough chronological order: the slowing of the economy, the contested election of 2000, the 9/11 attacks, the Catholic Church child sex abuse scandals, several corporate accounting scandals, the impending action vs. Saddam, nuclear North almost makes one long for the days when the worst crisis we faced was a President perjuring himself about getting a bj from an intern young enough to be his daughter...

But hey- does anyone want me to be their Girl in the Yellow Dress?! ;)

"Do you, do you, do you, do you wanna dance?"

Monday, March 03, 2003

I found out yesterday one of my cousins was in that fire down in Rhode Island the other week. He made it out, but is still in pretty rough shape in one of the hospitals down there, burns, smoke inhalation, etc...we weren't all that close, probably hadn't seen each other in over ten years, we were in different classes in high school, hung out with different crowds, etc...but still, he's my cousin, I feel bad for him, plus his mother and father (my aunt and uncle) are also my godparents. They're getting older, this has to be tough on them, they all have my sympathies and I'll keep them in my thoughts and prayers...while rock shows like that aren't usually my thing, bottom-line, no one should have to suffer or be killed just because they wanted a night out. It makes you wonder...

"Time waits for no one, no favors has he/Time waits for no one, and he won't wait for me..."