my weblog

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Odds and sods...First, I wanna thank Karin for her sweet gift! That was soooooooooo thoughtful, now I can be Grey Sueded for a l-o-n-g time; thanks, girl! :) And I hope the electromagnetic thingamajig didn't screw up anyone's electronics, etc...

Had my first "Driver's Alcohol Education," ie- drunk school- thing today. If the humiliation of arrest, court appearance, probation, ma$$ive fines, fees, insurance increases, etc...isn't enough to persuade one to not drink and drive, attending one of these classes should be. Picture the worst ABC Afterschool Special combined with some vintage 70's-era "group therapy" and you get the picture. WHAT possess some- no, almost all- of thse folks to divulge a litany of their lives' woes, misfortunes, etc...FAR beyond the scope of a drunk driving arrest/sentence/rehabilitation program?! Folks- this is NOT, repeat, NOT, an AA session. Maybe it's me- by nature, I'm a sorta reserved person, I keep a fair amount to myself unless/until I get to know someone better, particularly things of a more personal/embarrassing nature, I'm not comfortable divulging a LOT about myself face-to-face with a group of strangers, there IS something to be said for discretion, for restraint, for modesty, but in this day and age of the Oprahization of America...(And more strangely still- of all the tales I heard, yikes, my life, transgendered and all, is relatively mundane, I almost felt like I was missing out on something; no tales of alcoholic parents, abused childhood, spousal/SO difficulties, etc...Don't get me wrong, I'm fortunate and grateful that I haven't had to endure any of those, but had I, I wouldn't be quick to lay it all out to a group of strangers assembled because we drove after having had one or more too many...but that's just me...) Anyway, 15 or so more weeks to go.

But I do often feel badly that, in so much of my life, I feel as tho' I've disappointed those I care about. Be it family, close friends, others, in so many ways, I often feel like I've let folks down bigtime. Not simply, or even all that much, related to my recent OUI thing, but in many of the ways I've let my life go. There is SO much more I had hoped to have accomplished by now, certainly far more along in a rewarding career, doing something that I enjoy, am talented at, that leaves me more time to spend with family and friends and resume some semblance of a social life, even more money, too! But beyond that, I often truly feel bad that I have not been able to make the time to spend with people I care for and about more- certainly romantically but also just friends. I've lost and feel as tho' I've let down so many friends over the last several years now, slowly but surely, simply because I've seldom had the means/time to attend to those friendships as I should have and would have liked. It really hurts me. And re. "this:" I'm not ashamed of this, but, if/when I need or choose to reveal this to more of those close to me, I would like it to be of my choosing, in a well-thought out, wholesome, intentional manner. I have to treat people better, be more thoughtful of others.

And I have a bit more on my mind recently as mother goes for some tests Friday for what could possibly (and I've been praying it is not) be a serious lung problem (yes, she foolishly smokes and has for much of her adult life.) I've always had a great relationship with her, I care about her more than anyone else in this world. I just hope and pray for the best.

Gee, I guess I DO come off just like my fellow drunk school groupies, huh?!

"Good friends we have, oh, good friends we've lost, along the way/In this great future, you can't forget your past, so dry your tears I say..."

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Finally got my license back today...minu$ 500 hard-earned dollar$ to the Commonwealth :( My own fault, but yikes, what I could have done with $500...a BIGTIME shopping spree, or far more mundanely- and responsibly- paid down some bills...but no, I had to go and, well, we all know what I had to go and do...Anyway, I once again have the "privilege" of driving the highways and by-ways of Massachusetts.

"I'm back! I'm back in the saddle again..."

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Well, it's all over but the crying, there is no joy in Mudville (insert your favorite cliche here! lol)...OK, so the Sox lost to the Yankees, and the inevitable post-mortems (it was "the Curse" again- yawn on that, BTW- Grady Must Go, etc...) are being heard. hafta admit, it WAS one heckuva series; seven games, with an extra-innings finale, the skirmishes, the back and forth nature of the games, even made THIS less-than-diehard baseball fan get caught up in the excitement (and hey, it's not like it was something TRULY, say, an AFC East divisional game! JUST KIDDING, baseball fans!) So...congrats to the Sox on a good- but not great- season, and go Marlins! (PS: Is there a more miserable man in America than Steve Bartman, bete noir of Cubs fans worldwide?!)

My @#$%! foot has been acting up again- agh!!! I haven't been able to run in over two weeks; even StairMaster, and even walking, bother it. It's from a broken foot injury I suffered playing football my sophomore year of high school; apparently it never healed up quite properly, and every so often, it acts up again, causing me more than a little bit of pain (and I'm tuff, hee! :). Add to that the fact that, because of that injury, I supinate on that foot bigtime, and I have extremely high arches, and it all makes for a recipe for the occasional injury. It's just soooooooo frustrating, tho'; I was up to a good- and comfortable- 6.5 miles/morning on my run prior to this, and October is THE nicest month of the year to run! I've been giving it RICE, but so far...perhaps the ONLY good thing about my lack of getting out recently is that heels would absolutely KILL my poor foot! And as much as anything, the temporary decrease in working out has left me w/ a lot of energy that I haven't been able to burn off, probably making me even more b*tchy than usual (my apologies) and- waaaaaaaahhh- I'm currently- and this had BETTER be VERY temporarily!- no longer a welterweight :(

Anyhoo...I hope everyone else is enjoying their Saturday nite, making plans to do something fun...or romantic...or just silly...ANYTHING but workin'!

"And there ain't no way, I'm letting you go now/And there ain't no way, And there ain't no how/I'll never see that day..."

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

A little cheese to go with that whine from your last entry, Kellie?! OK, ok, sometimes I have a tendency to get a little overwrought or overwhelmed- so sue me! And hey, its not as if some of the things in my previous entry aren't things to be worked up over a little bit, especially things like a loved one being ill, or concerns about how certain revelations may be affecting loved ones. But..."the truth remains that no one wants to know..." And hey- no one likes a whiny b*tch, either! :)

So, the Sox won their ALDS series, now its on to face the "Evil Empire," also known as the New York Yankees! It should be a classic series, to say the least...and can someone explain to me? Why is that there are almost always riots, or at least disturbances, after a team WINS a series or championship?! I mean, I could understand if the fans in the LOSING city went on a bit of a rampage, but WHY do the fans in the WINNING city? That's never made any sense to me...And the Pats won a nailbiter Sunday (can't forget about them! :)...But sadly, my fantasy league team suffered its first loss this week, boohoo! (Still in first place, tho'!)...People sometimes ask me why I don't often get more excited over the Red Sox, or baseball in general, why I'm always either football or basketball? Simple answer- I was never very good at baseball, I never played it much beyond Little League! Football and basketball I played in high school and stuff...

Shania is in town tonite, playing @ the FleetCenter- wish I could've gone...a friend of mine is going, but somehow "forgot" to ask me if I wanted to go! I'll remember that! (Actually, I wouldn't have been able to get free tonite anyway, and I hope D has a fun time!)

"I'm gonna getcha while I gotcha in sight/I'm gonna getcha if it takes all night/You can betcha by the time I say 'go'/You'll never say 'no'..."

Saturday, October 04, 2003

This is gonna be a rant tonite; I don't know if its just the damp, drizzly weather, but I'm feeling foul...for almost the last two months, since "the Incident," I've felt very low, and sheepish, and ashamed. I still do, but now, more and more, I'm starting to feel very angry and po'd...yes, I f'd up. I should NOT have been driving in an impaired state. But you know? I see stories of criminals walking the streets, committing more crimes, and these are people who INTENDED to do their crimes. Yes, I screwed up, but there was no intent, I didn't say, "Hmmmm...I know! I think I'll drink a bit too much JUST so I can then get behind the wheel and drive drunk!" It was stupid and it was irresponsible on my part, and I've paid, and will continue to pay for it for a long time. But it seems like almost once a week I get something in the mail, be it from the Registry, the courts, the probation office, the alcohol ed. program, my insurance agency, etc...reminding me of what I've done...AS WELL AS HOW MUCH F'ING $$$ IT IS COSTING ME!!! I've been unable to drive since the middle of August, and am still looking at a good two weeks more! I cannot go anywhere of my own volition that is not on public transportation, I cannot leave the state without getting permission from the probation office, and ANY $$$ I have left after paying regular bills and such now goes to either the court, or to the alcohol ed. program, or- soon- to the Registry and to my insurer. Enough! Leave me the f alone!

It gets sooooooooo frustrating at times. Here it is, another Saturday night, and here I am- again- doing NOT what I'd like to be doing, but rather, trying to be good, trying to be responsible, all those things that are "supposed" to pay off. I try my damndest to be a good person; am I perfect? No, of course not. But I truly try to be a good, decent, caring, and responsible person. I try not to hurt anyone, to screw anyone over, I try to be nice to people, to treat people right, and I don't mind. It's the right way to be. But what gets soooooooo frustrating is that it almost always seems as if the good I try to do, the good person I try to be, doesn't matter at all, it doesn't make one bit of difference. For all the good I try to do, for all the responsible and decent person I try to be, it seems unless I'm absolutely perfect, it's all for naught. One screw up- BOOM!- and any and every thing good I try to do means nothing. I feel like I have to be perfect all the time. I try my damndest not to hurt or inconvenience or disappoint others, yet what do I get for it? What purpose does it serve? Don't I ever catch a break? I've run across soooooo many self-centered, self-absorbed people, so many phonies and insincere people, folks who think only of themselves. I certainly have my many faults, but lack of concern, of consideration for others, being self-centered or self-absorbed, caring only about myself or putting myself first, have never been among them. The only person I hurt almost always is me.

The easiest thing to do is to care only about oneself. I can't do that. Often I wish I could; I see so many people who do, and they seem to be happy. I can't allow myself a Saturday night out, because it would be irresponsible, it might inconvenience folks here. (And more recently, because I cannot afford it.) I'd like to take a trip, a vacation; I haven't been anywhere in sooooooo long. I'd love to see Vegas, or the Caribbean, or Hawaii, visit friends in California, heck, see friends down in NYC, or even a long weekend or week on the Cape, or viewing foliage. But no. I was hoping to make some significant changes in my life this year? No. I've had a lot of things pressing on me lately, the whole DUI thing and the $$$, wanting to take this MUCH further, but lacking the $$$ (as well as the courage and the will) to do so. My mother has been sick lately- nothing life-threatening, but she's older, and any health issue is a concern, and right now I can't even drive her to the doctors or wherever else she needs to go. I wonder how the revelation of "Kellie" to my sister a couple of months ago has affected her, and her opinion of me. She seems to be alright with it, but...and either way, knowing this doesn't serve or improve her life one bit. I've lost touch with so many longtime friends, not due to any disagreements or such, but simply because I haven't been able to make the time for them as I would have liked, for many reasons. I have next to no dating, social, or friend life as Kellie anymore, either, for the same reasons. I haven't even been able to take any new pics for my silly website in months. I like to think I'm doing right by others, being responsible, etc...but more and more it simply seems like I'm treading water, going nowhere fast, neither pleasing nor satisfying anyone else nor myself. Ugh...rain, rain, go away...:(

"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody/I got some money cuz I just got paid/Oh how I wish I had someone to talk to/I'm in an awful way..."