Catching up while sipping on an- underwhelming- Buzzards Bay Pale Ale...

Finally a lil extended free time this- long- Memorial Day weekend, been out and about... just good to get out for a few nights in a row without having to make 'em an early evening! Gonna head out for awhile in a bit as well, and supposed to go to a cookout down in Hingham tomorrow... the weather has been pretty good, pretty summery! Been trying to work on my tan a lil bit, get a lil color... still have a way to go, but at least I'm not pasty white ;)

Got a new pair of running shoes this week (Saucony- the Official Athletic Shoe of Kellie!) You don't realize just how worn down your old shoes get until you get a new pair and you feel like you're running on air! Nice cushion-y ride again...

In a similar vein, I've tweaked some of my workout a bit, specifically my upper-body routine. For awhile now I just felt- and looked- as if I was getting too few results for the effort put in, realized perhaps I had just gotten too comfy, too stale, in my routine... nuthin' major, just a slightly different workout... but don't mess with me! Truth be told, I wish I could get more of the results for my upper body as I get- and maintain- for my lower body/legs... and I should know what I'm doing- I did have personal trainer certification (which I let lapse; I may retake the exam/get re-certified this summer/fall.)

I was surprised to hear one of my friends' opinion on the illegal alien issue... I have my opinions on this (as if you didn't know!) but I was a lil surprised to hear the vehemence she has on the issue, given her- what?- very centrist/Democrat-leaning politics generally... she actually was to the right of me (Kellie Goldwater!) on this! I will say that it is an issue that cuts across conventional political views, with some Big Labor Democrat types aligned with nativist Republicans vs. "progressive" Democrats and business Republicans, with our- mostly- cowardly pols of both parties trying to curry favor with all sides so they don't lose too many votes come election time...

Another friend of mine has got herself a new man! Yeah, I'm a lil jealous (jes kiddin'!) but happy for her... she works hard, she's a giving person, and she's attractive to boot! Hope it works out for her...

Ramblings... Sox won again today, completing the sweep vs. Texas- they're lookin' very good right now... The Pistons have looked pretty good so far, but I think tonite is the night LeBron and The Cavs take one... Few things try my patience more than people who do not listen. Listening is a skill, albeit one that doesn't take a lot of intelligence to master; in fact, it often seems to be willful ignorance on the part of those who will not master it... too many people seem not to have learned this vital skill...

Alright, I'm off! (PS- Don't forget, remember- and thank- a vet.)

"Under my thumb/The girl who once had me down/Under my thumb/The girl who once pushed me around..."

Waiting On A Friend- Rolling Stones

Watching girls go passing by
It ain't the latest thing
I'm just standing in a doorway
I'm just trying to make some sense
Out of these girls go passing by
The tales they tell of men
I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend.

A smile relieves a heart that grieves
Remember what I said
I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend
I'm just waiting on a friend.

Don't need a whore
I don't need no booze
Don't need a virgin priest
But I need someone I can cry to
I need someone to protect
Making love and breaking hearts
It is a game for youth
But I'm not waiting on a lady
I'm just waiting on a friend.

(since someone asked...)
Not Pretty Enough- Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me...

Ramblings...

It can be a bit, um, unsettling to be mistaken for a woman when you're decidedly 'en drab,' having lunch with your mom, and the waitress asks what she can get you "ladies!" 'Nuf ced...

Having said that, I still need to be a bit more diligent- consistent is more like it- with my eating and exercise regimens...a few pounds have crept up that I don't want, especially as the warmer weather is- allegedly!- approaching; being/maintaining a thinner/leaner physique makes presenting a reasonably realistic femme appearance that much easier. Consistency...

Not to tell tales out of school, but was anyone else as disappointed with last Sunday's Sopranos episode as I? A really unlikely scenario in which Christopher was killed off, and the entire Tony-tripping-on-peyote-in-the-Nevada-desert thing was a lil too cliched (not to mention out of character.) They'd better not kill off Paulie Walnuts!

The NBA, and especially the NHL, playoffs go far too long...

I've been getting into Kasey Chambers a lot lately, like her stuff a lot (sort of an Australian alt-country singer- she's good!) I'll hafta ask my friend Stephen to play some of her on his next program (hopefully he'll be able to find her stuff as easily as he was Neko Case!)

"Iron bars and big old cars won't run me out of town/Well I'll be damned if you're not my man/Before the sun goes down..."

I've been feeling very angry and on edge of late. Too angry and on edge. Just an incredible level of anger, of frustration, of disappointment, over so many things, toward so many people, but ultimately, at and toward myself. I feel- righteous- anger toward too many people to whom I have extended myself, personally and professionally (which I don't mind doing, BTW), who have not reciprocated, nor even seemed to have appreciated, that effort in any measure; I understand, everyone has problems and issues that they'd like and need to have addressed, but you know what? On occasion, so do I! Seemingly day after week after month after year I beat my brains out trying to do the "right" things, the responsible things (again, which I don't mind doing) what is expected of me, but seeing almost nothing positive or beneficial come from those efforts. As I've grown older, I believe I have become a more responsible, more mature person, capable of far more. But seemingly because of irresponsible, or simply immature, choices and decisions and such- mistakes and screwups, too- I made when I was much younger (what, and how lazily, I studied back in college, early career choices and moves, years spent trying too hard to live, to be, someone I was not, and more) I feel as if I'm now at a point where, despite feeling as if I've learned from my mistakes and screwups, I'm never going to be presented with nor be able to create any opportunities to move forward from them and grow. I feel as if I've disappointed others; certainly I have disappointed myself- none of it by design or intent, but still... My TGism is but one example; after finally coming to good terms with and accepting- indeed, embracing- my transgenderism, and doing much that I could (outside of going fulltime) to present a reasonably presentable, viable feminine persona, image, appearance, etc... I truly thought I would be much further along with this by now- much further along. But for about three years now, I've been stuck in neutral, no forward progress. And I'm getting older. (I could say the same thing about: career, friendships, relationships, finances, even fitness.)

Ya know, I don't believe I've ever hurt anybody, save perhaps for myself. I feel trapped, stagnant, simply going thru the motions; I haven't a clue at this point as to how to break the jam-up and begin to start moving forward and making progress again, I seem unable to find, make, create, or even begin to recognize possibilities and/or opportunities again, and none seem willing to present themselves. I feel as if I'm being ground down into a hole that I cannot, and will not be enabled to, lift myself out of. And I see soooooo many people, so many "peers" moving forward and living and doing many of the things I'd like to be, and believe I am capable of, doing. This is not where I wanted nor expected to be at this point in my life.

"There must be some kind of way out of here/Said the joker to the thief/There's too much confusion/I can't get no relief..."

I always wanted to be a sportswriter... ;) (beats what I'm doing now, and on a Saturday evening, too- waaahhh!)

One of the more publicized stories of late in the transgender world has been the story of LA Times sportswriter Christine Daniels, nee Mike Penner, publicly coming out as a transitioning transgender woman. In the testosterone-laden world of much of sports, the decision for even a writer to admit to and come out as such, and to seek to remain in that sphere, is an act of considerable personal courage. (She is maintaining a blog on her progress as well, aptly titled Woman In Progress.) From what I have read of her journey and such thus far, it seems to be- relatively- typical of many non-youth transgender individuals. And she seems to have pretty level-headed and down-to-earth expectations and aspirations regarding her transition, not necessarily leaving "Mike" behind but rather integrating all of the aspects that make up the unique individual she is into the more- for her- comfortable and- what?- "right" expression of that individual as female. I applaud her courage and wish her well in her journey.

But of course, given my self-centeredness (yeah, right!), I always hafta bring things back to me. I know, and have known, many T's who are on, and several who have completed, this journey, completed it to where they felt they needed to (not every T needs to become post-op, but for many, it is the right thing for them.) I've always been of two minds to this- while, perfect world, yeah, I'd luv to be much further along in a transition (I keep my body as feminine as is possible, given my- still- living a duality) and while I suppose, heck, I know (from other T-folks I'm acquainted with) that successful transitions are possible, the biggest thing (even more than financial con$ideration$) that, apart from an all-too-brief experimentation with "better living thru chemistry," keeps me from moving forward (something that, again, ideally, before I get much older, I'd really like to do) is how that would affect those closest to me; most importantly, family, and long-time friends. (Note- my sister knows of, and has been very accepting and supportive toward, my transgenderism.) I often wonder how so many T's I've known personally, as well as have read about, good, solid, responsible, "mainstream" people, have nevertheless been able to either screw up the courage, or just not let it bother them enough, to risk the potential losses of their closest, longtime relationships. I know some folks will say "Well, if they won't accept you, how good a parent/sibling/friend, etc... can they be?" But I have a difficult time buying that. I can understand the considerable shock that revealing something of this nature could/can be to others, especially if they have little-to-no inkling; while transgenderism is not unnatural, it is unusual.

Perhaps this is part and parcel of my all-too-developed sense of loyalty. Anyway, BIG 'attagirl to Christine! (And yeah, it's true- I can remember when I was a lil kid, I always thought being a sportswriter would have been a so-cool profession, combining my luv of sports with what i was always told was an aptitude for writing... shoulda majored in journalism!)

And as today is the annual running...

"Well when you're sitting back/In your rose pink Cadillac/Making bets on Kentucky Derby Day..."

House Passes Expanded Hate Crime Bill
I hope to blog more re. this soon (and I may start to blog some of my more cultural/political thoughts on a seperate blog, keeping this one lighter, more personal; we'll see) but for now the following comments by Andrew Sullivan largely sum up where I stand on this issue:
There are, I think, two coherent positions on hate crime laws. The first is opposition to the entire concept, its chilling effect on free speech, its undermining of the notion of equality under the law, and so on. That's my position. I oppose all hate crimes laws, regardless of the categories of individuals they purport to protect.
While repugnant, there does- and should exist- a right to hate. Hateful actions, and discrimination, those which impinge upon the rights of others, should not be endorsed under law (which explains, for instance, my support of extending to same-sex couples the rights- and responsibilites- accorded to heterosexual couples.) On a more practical note, if police or DAs are not willing to prosecute exisiting crimes, against whomever, that are already on the books (and last time I checked, most jurisdictions within the United States have laws against assault, homicide, etc...) why should anyone believe they would be any more willing to prosecute "hate" crime law violations?

Setting any class of citizens- what?- apart from, or above, another class, deeming any class worthy of special, or greater, protection under the law, is wrong.

Or as our President put it while, as Governor of Texas, vetoing "hate" crime legislation there: "Every crime is a hate crime."

Indeed.

Super quick... FINALLY got my new 'puter! In the process of importing/migrating, etc... stuff from old-to-new... hopefully will find time to catch up on ALL outstanding email, IMs, etc... Thanks for your patience!