my weblog

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Been a lil while since I posted- I'm still here!  :) 
Long day today, whew...

Things have been busy, but good-busy. Still keeping those several balls in the air, but hey... Been spending a lil more time with my "other half's" friends of late; it's good. Those people, that part of me, is an integral part of the totality of who I am as an individual, just as much a vital part as this part of me. Yeah, in an ideal world Kellie would be my entire existence (heck, ideal world I'd have been born female) but, over the course of a lifetime, we do things, we make choices, we make and befriend people, good people, that we love and enjoy and share history with that also bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. Talking with trans folks I've known over the years, from closeted crossdressers to post-op transsexuals and variuous stops in-between it has been my experience that many- most?- of us construct elaborate, convincing- and oftentimes enjoyable, if at least tolerable- male lives, whether out of conformity, out of fear (of facing their trans status and issues, of losing family/friends/financial security) or more. Perhaps it's just the circles I've run in but I can honestly say that I haven't known a single trans gal who was/is utterly, totally, irrevocably, 24/7/365 miserable when in their male existence. Obviously some had/have a greater inner need or drive to live, to become, their comfortable and preferred gender than others, but none have expressed that utter, unrelenting misery. For myself, while again ideally I'd have probably preferred to have transitioned, et al, when younger, I am where I am now. For a variety of reasons (family, long-time friends, career, finances, and, oh yeah, stage IV cancer) GRS is something that I will never be able to do. As I've been on hormone therapy for the better part of the last 4+ years and spend much of my time femme I guess, if asked to describe myself, that makes me- what?- non-op TG/TS? At any rate I'm reasonably happy and at peace with the totality of who and how I am; there is something to be said for that!

Results from my recent (end of last month) CT scan; no new growths, no spread to any other organs, but some progression and growth with the existing tumors. Not great, but about what I expected. As the clinical trial my onc and I had been looking into fell thru we're revisiting my initial FOLFOX regimen, with bevacizumab added as well. I've had two rounds with this and we'll give it another couple before we re-check #'s on lab work. Hopefully it will knock things back again for a bit. I still feel fine, actually better than I have in a few months, as my red counts and such have gotten back to where they should be- been getting in some good workouts again, consistently- yay!

Got my hair done last night- finally! I gave my stylist (Alyson, at Liquid- a talented gal!) a lil more leeway. Cute, albeit a lil shorter than it's been for awhile- some of by request, some of it due to how my hair has been growing while on chemo (hey, at least I still have most of it... even if I would still kill for the head of hair I had before this all began.) I hadn't had it done since January, so it needed it.

Go Bruins!

"You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometimes, you just might find/You get what you need..."