my weblog

Thursday, December 30, 2004

I hope folks will remember, with their thoughts, prayers, and, if/as possible, donations- whether of time, expertise, or money- the victims of the tsunamis that wreaked destruction upon southern Asia last Sunday. So much petty nonsense has been spouted since this tragedy ("punishment from God, or Allah, or whomever, upon heathen non-believers;" "stingy America not doing enough;" "the predictable result of environmental despoilation;" and more.) Bottomline, these are people, people of all races and nationalities, people in need who, thru no fault of their own, have suffered from an Act of Nature of immense proportions and who are in need of effective assistance. If you can help, however you can help, large or
American Red Cross
Catholic Relief Services
Or any charitable/relief org you choose.

"Oh little darlin', don't shed no tears/No woman, no cry..."

Monday, December 27, 2004

BRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! It's COLD out there! And we got a sneak snowstorm last night- close to 8"-9" in town, more south of run this morning, boohoo :(

I hope everyone had/has been having an enjoyable holiday season (whatever holiday it is that you celebrate.) Mine was nice...spent much of the holiday weekend @ my mom's- yummy Christmas Eve dinner, even better Christmas Day dinner (rack of lamb, prepared by yours truly, thank you very much!) just a very nice, relaxing, fun time! Sunday I met up with my best friend from high school (who was out here from California, visiting his family) had a few beers, a bite to eat, watched a lil football...I made it home before the heavier snows started in earnest Sunday evening (even got in a good 7 mile run down @ my mom's Sunday morning- hadda work off that lamb and ALL the other Christmas goodies!)

I'm not usually big on New Year's Eve- yes, if I have specific plans, great, I'll do 'em. But so often, it's just amateur hour- too many once-or-twice-a-year partiers imbibing waaaaaaaayyyyy too much alcohol and otherwise just making a nuisance of many bars, clubs, etc...tend to be either over-crowded or over-charge for the evening. Plus maybe I'm just getting- gasp!- "older" more likely than not I'll be low-keying it New Year's Eve...

Has anyone tried to message me via Yahoo Messenger today? It was working properly this morning, but I've been having trouble with it today- not sure what I did, I fiddled around with a couple of things on my 'puter, and tonight I've found that I cannot log into Messenger. I can still get my email, but I'm not sure what I did to eff up Messenger. I emailed Yahoo help, hopefully they'll get back to me pronto and let me know what, if anything I did wrong and what, if anything, I can do to rectify the situation.

Do I sometimes come off as too opinionated? Either in my blog entries or- for those who email with me- in my correspondance? I try not to but sometimes I fear that, even when I try to sugarcoat 'em a lil bit, some of my views, opinions, etc...come off either more strongly or more off-putting than I certainly intend them to. Don't get me wrong- I do have and hold certain views and opinions, and I'm not embarassed or ashamed of them, and if challenged on them, I will respond. But I don't mean to do so in a brow-beating, heavy-handed manner. Maybe I don't, but if I have, or do, I apologize...what is it they say, you attract more with honey than vinegar?

Lastly, there have been a few people I have been unable to make adequate time to see over the last month or so. I fear some of 'em may think I was intentionally ducking them or simply taking them for granted. Neither is the case. I don't apologize for keeping the schedule I currently do, I've always tried to be honest and upfront about just how limited my time- sadly- often is, but I do apologize if that schedule has unintentionally inconvenienced anyone else.

(Didya like my Irish holiday greetings?! :)

"'Cuz you can't change the way I am/Are you strong enough to be my man..."

Friday, December 24, 2004

Beannachtaí an tSéasúir Daoibh!
Féilte Shona Daoibh!
Nollaig Shona Daoibh!

(Season's Greetings!)
(Happy Holidays!)
(Merry Christmas!)


"Happy birthday to you/Happy birthday to you/Happy birthday, dear Jesus/Happy birthday to you!" (Hope that isn't too sacreligious! ;)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Back to the grind...(but goofin' off for a few :)

I had a bit of down time last week; was sooooooooooooooooo nice to be able to kick back, relax, take it easy a lil bit, and- yikes!- actually get out and about again, actually do something and go somewhere more than simply running errands, etc...I saw a few folks I'd wanted to see (you know who you are!) sadly I also missed seeing a few folks I equally wanted to see (you know who you are as well!) There's a few folks I'd have liked to have seen tonite, but I'm stuck here.

I had a fun time while I was out- enjoyable while doing it, while also reminding me of just how much I let myself miss out on, due to no one else's fault but my own, maintaining the schedule I far too often do. Whether it's being "responsible," whether it's fear of, well, I dunno what, but something, or whether it's just- ugh- laziness, I let myself get into a routine that, while it may serve others well, seldom serves me well. I don't mean to go on and on about this again (as it's a perennial theme throughout the life of this blog...and NO comments from the peanut gallery, you!) but it is something I need to address and change as best I can. I really cannot see myself spinning my wheels for yet another year as I have the past few.

And much, no, most of it is my transgenderism. I seldom come out and say it here, but I am quickly and perhaps finally coming to the realization that I truly need to take, to make, this a much larger, much more fuller, part of my life. When I was out last week, it was the first time I'd gone out socially in awhile. And like anything else, applying makeup, a bit of a learned talent and skill, one of those things that, the more you have to do it, the more adept and good at it you become. Because I don't get out nearly as often as I'd like (and I don't- currently- work as a woman) and because I'm seldom one who's going to get all dolled up jes to sit around my pad and read a book, surf the 'Net or watch television, and because I'm an utterly inept dolt when it comes to self-photography, I don't always have the need to get made up, the nines. But even given that, and while maybe I wasn't at my A-game, I still looked alright, got called "miss" and "ma'am", didn't stand out, etc...Looking reasonably "real" is something I've found I can do without excessive difficulty. Not a glamour queen, not a model, but a relatively realistic-looking 30-something woman. Similarly, I think I have a half-decent sense of fashion; again, when I go out, I'm not dressed or looking like a tranny hooker, or Britney Spears (are they one and the same thing?! :), but again, like a typical 30-something woman. There are things I can do better (I'd luv to lose- and keep off!- another 7-10 well as become less muscular thru my upper body...even my calves...I'd like to have some laser removal/microdermabrasion done on some of my face, etc...) but I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who and how I am as a woman, and am more and more feeling a need to be that woman, well, more and more. I had a discussion re. some of this with someone I'm close the other nite- it's not so much that I need, or want, to go full-fledged TS on my way to SRS at a date certain tomorrow, but rather begin to move further along than I've allowed myself to so far. (And to be- a lil!- fair to me, I am living and looking and doing things re. "this" in a way that not too many years ago would've been little more than a pipe dream.)

Short answer: I need to be able to do "this" more so that I can discover if, and how far, I need to do this more. (And this isn't even my year-end/New Years' entry yet...yikes!!! :)

"But every day, every nighttime I find/Mystery achievement, you're on my mind..."

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Woke up early yet again this morning...sometimes this isn't always a good thing. I've always been an early riser- no matter what, I can almost never sleep much past 6am, usually waking up sometime a little after 5. And I like getting up early, getting out there and doing stuff while much of the city is still sleeping or just waking. But...I don't sleep well. I almost never get much more than 5 or so hours of sleep, 6 at the absolute most. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, invariably it takes me close to two hours to unwind, etc...before I can drift off. And it's not caffeine or anything; I've never been a coffee drinker, I don't drink much soda, and when I do it's almost always decaffeinated, especially late. I workout quite a bit, which should physically exhaust me more at the end of the day (I don't workout too late, either.) For good or bad, I tend to think and ruminate a lot at nite; I often have a lot of things on my mind, not so much worries but rather wondering about and pondering my future- job/career moves/changes, trying to rejuvenate on a consistent basis some semblance of a social and dating life again, trying to screw up the nerve or the courage to determine at last where I truly need to go with "this" and then start to make it happen (I'm getting older- if, as seems apparent, the spouse and kids thing isn't gonna happen, I'd like to lead a fuller life this way; there ARE worse things! :) And what's worse is that, more and more (and this has been going on for a l-o-n-g time now) I NEVER sleep thru the entire nite, I never get that good, deep, REM sleep, I almost always sleep like the proverbial baby- waking up every hour and a half/two hours or so, a few times thru the nite. But the worst part is, while I'm not feeling totally exhausted all the time (tho' I'd KILL to awake more rested!) I'm looking EXTREMELY tired- deep, dark circles and lines under my eyes that no amount of concealer or eye treatment lightens or eases enuf. I hate it, cuz it's making me look a heckuva lot older than I am. And it's just the under-the-eye area that's looking that way, but yikes...if I find I can swing it, I'll look into Botox, or microdermasion, or anything that'll help me look more rested, more fresh, more not so much youthful but simply my age, and not so tired and almost drawn looking all the time. But if I could just get a few nites of good sleep...

"And there's nothing short of dying/Half as lonesome as the sound/Of the sleeping city sidewalks/Sunday morning coming down..."

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Random thoughts on a chilly December Saturday...

Had a GREAT run again this morning; yes, it was chilly, a nip in the air, frosty even, but it was one of those mornings where it just felt GOOD! Got in my 7 miles (and at 6:30am...what were you doing at 6:30 am?! I know, probably something better than going for a run!)

I'll be the first to admit- when it comes to science-y stuff, I'm pretty much a dolt. But I read a fascinating article earlier this week re. embryonic stem cell research. (And BTW- stem cell research has NOT been banned in the US, it goes on as we speak, using adult stem cells, and this research has already resulted in many treatment breakthroughs.) The major concern over embryonic stem cell research is that, too often, these cells are most easily attained only by creating, then destroying, a human embryo. This practice does create an ethical dilemma; do we create nascent human life solely for the purpose of destroying it, no matter the reason? It is this conundrum that has caused the Bush administration- and many religious, and some non-religious, organizations and scientists- to currently oppose this form of stem cell research. Well, one scientist seems to have come up with what may prove to be a breakthrough solution, one that will satisfy the scientific community that believes research using these cells will prove beneficial as well as ethicists opposed to the wanton taking of nascent, innocent, otherwise healthy human life. Again, I'm a dolt when it comes to explaining the nuts and bolts of it all, but bascially it involves creating an organism that, due to the way it is fertilized, could never grow into a human even if left to it's own devices, one that survives for a relatively short period, yet one that in that period creates the cells neccessary for this form of research. According to the article, it is an idea that could very well work, and the ethics behind it are similar to others that are already endorsed by institutions such as the Catholic Church, and should pass muster with the Administration, ethicists, and theologians who are currently opposed to this form of stem cell research. Stay tuned, it could be one of those great meetings of ethics and science!

I was listening to one of the local sports talk shows the other morning, and they were all over the BALCO thing, how the- apparently- fairly rampant use of "performance enhancing substances" by many major league baseball players (such as Barry Bonds...duh!) is a threat to the integrity of the game and such. I have to disagree. First, I've never taken any muscle-enhancement supplements, but really, if these players wish to play Russian roulette with their health in order to achieve succe$$ (and yes ultimately, it's ALL about the money!) in their chosen endeavor, hey, that's their choice. People talking about how the use of these substances somehow makes marks set by Bonds and others less meaningful compared to those set in the "Golden Age" of sport; I don't see it. First, many players apparently have, and are, taking these products. Yet VERY few of them are setting the records, etc...Despite the added strength, speed, still comes down to the inate, natrual talent of these guys to do what they do, the hand-to-eye coordination, the synapse response, and on and on. But, performance enhancing substances are nothing new in sports, be it baseball, football, whatever. Back in the 50's and the 60's, locker rooms across America, professional and college, were stocked with perhaps the ultimate "supplement" to give an athlete that extra edge, and were doling it out like candy; amphetamines, anyone? We'll never know how many players took how much speed to go out and perform back then; should all records from that era be marked with an * ? And does anyone truly believe that, if these substances were available back in the 20's, or the 40's, or the 50's, folks such as Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, or take your pick of any NFL running back or lineman of that era, might not have indulged? Players today have better foods and nutritional advice available to them than their forebears; should that make today's records, stats, etc...tainted, too? I don't condone their usage because the health issues are unclear. But if others, considering the risks and the benefits, choose to do so, and as long as fans still pay their $$$, go to the ballparks and stadiums, buy the merchandise, and more, well, that's their choice to make. Some will say, "oh, it's not about the money, its' about the integrity of the game." Whatever truth there is to that, it is more than countered by the truism: "When they say, 'it's not about the money,' it's always about the money." Unless the professional leagues are going to truly crackdown on their usage (and currently, MLB's penalties are a joke) why not be honest, or at least adult, about it, admit their usage exists, and chalk it up to better baseball (or football, or whatever) thru chemistry.

"She blinded me with science..."