my weblog

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

I'm feelin' a lil better about myself. Not so much for anything in particular I've done recently but moreso...I frequently have a tendency to beat myself up over any and every thing, large or small, I do or have done wrong, whether recently, in the past, or- sadly- in the distant past. Obviously the stupidity I did last summer, but many other things, again, large or small, recent or distant. And often it's like, the many good things I do (again, large or small) don't seem to count, like, unless I behave and do things perfectly, it's not merely a screw-up or a mistake, but an indictment of me as a bad, evil person.

A good friend of mine had a bit of a screw-up this past weekend, one that, in and of itself wasn't especially bad, except that it had the potential to hurt someone close to him, someone whom he truly cares deeply for. But there was no malice aforethought, no intent to do anything wrong or irresponsible; rather, it was one of those circumstances we all face from time to time, where stress and boredom and too much free time conspire to "lead us into temptation" as it were. Fortunately, it seems that this snafu turned out alright, no unwanted repercussions. But this is a good guy, a solid guy, not a jerk or a screw-up or a bad individual. And yet, he did screw up a bit; again, nothing too bad, but at the same time, clearly engaged in behavior he shouldn't have been. And he feels remorse, and the nagging fear that this could still possibly come back to haunt him. I feel bad for him, knowing all-too-well what screwing up and waiting for another shoe to possibly drop feels like. But in a perverse way, it also makes me personally feel just a little better about myself, in that I can see that good, decent (well, almost! Jes kidding! :) responsible folks can still screw up, and that this doesn't make them bad, malevolent, evil people, lacking in any redeeming characteristics or qualities, well, maybe, perhaps, I'm just a BIT too hard on myself, that I need to- and can- forgive myself for things I f'd up, make amends if possible, and simply move forward, wiser, and still cognizant of the fact that I may well make mistakes, screw up, etc...and that these don't necessarily make me a "bad" person. I know- common knowledge for many, but something I've needed to accept. (Please: no "I'm OK, You're OK" jokes! :)

Just a quick thought, totally off-topic: what/why does the Laci Peterson murder case POSSIBLY have to do w/ any entertainment-type media outlets? Why is that sad story getting such coverage, such trashy, tabloid-type coverage, on channels like E! and publications such as the Enquirer and Star? Why is this case being turned into an OJ-like Hollywood deal? Sadly there are murders committed across our fair land every day; why has THIS one become such an entertainment media story? Did I miss something- IS there a Hollywood connection to Laci, Scott, et al? Or does ANY story involving photogenic young people from California now automatically qualify as "entertainment?" Just asking...

Alright, I'm outta here!

"It's a lonely ol' night/Can I put my arms around you?/It's a lonely ol' night/Custom made for two lonely people like me and you..."

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Been getting in some pretty good workouts lately...both in my morning runs, and in my gym workouts, I've been feeling a bit better again, a bit more energized, faster, stronger, etc...for awhile there I'd been feeling pretty running mileage is getting back up there- STILL not where I was late last summer, but I should be back to that by, well, late THIS summer (or sooner!) cardio work @ the gym has felt better, I've been able to push myself longer and harder on that again, and my lifting has felt good, been feeling stronger as well as feeling like I have more endurance. I've changed my upper body routine a lil bit as well; I had been getting a little too large, too bulky, so I've decreased my workout some, both in terms of times/week, as well as weight, reps, sets, etc...trying to develope a leaner, more toned look, and I'm beginning to see some results...just need to keep at that for awhile. My leg workouts I haven't changed much, as I've been pleased overall with the results there. (Like ANYONE cares about this! I know, but's MY blog!) I've tweaked my eating a bit too, been more diligent, more consistent, on maintaining my higher protein (NO comments from the peanut gallery!)/low carb eating regimen, including adding soy protein powder, flax seed oil, and CLA tabs to the mix. Eating this way boosts my energy level, my metabolism, makes me feel sharper, and tends to help me drop weight easily. And I HAVE begun to see my weight drop a bit again, whew...but the best thing is simply that I've been feeling more energetic, more alert, and better emotionally- for ahwile there I was starting to feel a bit lethargic, a bit down. AND I've been able to sneak in an hour here and there to work on my tan ;)

Yahoo (my default start page) has been acting up today; wonder if there're getting hacked again like they were last week or so. Oh- I may well be changing my email addy soon. I currently use Hotmail's free service (and I have for several years now) but I see that Yahoo has increased their free email storage size to 100 MB, while Hotmail's is only 2 MB. You do the math...Also, maybe later this summer or early this fall- assuming I EVER find the damn time to take and add some new/current pics of moi!- I may do a MAJOR overhaul of my website. (And the pics thing is largely my own fault- as is most everything in my life!- as I have a friend who has been sooooooo gracious in offering me a free digital camera, if I can only make or take the hour or so to swing over and pick it up. I know, Mad One, I know... :)

There are few cliches truer than "youth is wasted on the young." I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back in time, knowing then just some of what I know now. I know, we can't, but still...If there were EVER someway to even get back the last 6-7 years...sometimes it seems like time just passes by SO damn quickly...things that seem like they happened just yesterday, or a week ago, or a month ago, happened 2, 3, 4, or more years ago, or longer...maybe some people never feel like this; in fact, I'm sure many don't. Many folks are quite good at living in the present, they stay focused, they know what they want and they go after it, and so they never spend much time pining over things past, opportunties missed, time lost.

The "Evil Empire" (no, not THAT one- the one about 200 miles to the south of Boston, in the Bronx! Sorry, D!) has roared back and established themselves in the AL of this writing, I believe they have the largest divisional lead in baseball...oh well...the Pats open camp in a little over a, excuse me, that's the DEFENDING SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS open camp in a little over a month! Yes, I'm ready for some football!

"Now those memories come back to haunt me/They haunt me like a curse/Is a dream a lie if it don't come true/Or is it something worse..."

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Yes, it IS Saturday evening; take ONE guess where I am @ 8:10pm that would make making a blog entry the high point of my evening?! Grrrrrr...

Am I THE most conventional person you know? So I was told by a friend; not too unusual, except this wasn't from one of my "older" friends, but from a Kellie friend. Ah yes, conventional and transgendered, words that go together ALL the time, hee! Actually, I took it as a compliment, in that I at least seem to appear soooooooo relatively normal that even my transgenderism doesn't make me seem especially odd or unusual. And yeah, I suppose I am pretty conventional; I maintain pretty normal, balanced relationships w/ family and friends, I don't work in a particularly odd or quirky- or illegal!- profession, my political views are pretty mainstream (except for maybe in Cambridge! :) I don't profess or practice any especially odd or obscure religious beliefs, my sports and fitness-related interests and activites are all pretty mundane, no "extreme" sports (no motorized, high-altitude/high-speed bungee sailing! :) my reading, entertainment, and "cultural" pursuits all relatively tame. Tho' sometimes I do, if not envy, at least marvel at those who are comfortable being "free spirits," those who follow the beat of a different drummer, I guess I'm just not that way. And more, tho' some may sometimes try to make me feel otherwise, I honestly feel no need to apologize for being who and what I am, as relatively strait-laced and, yes, conventional, as that may be. I make mention of this in my "To Whom It May Concern" page on my website, in that, while "Kellie" may be the last thing anyone who has known me for a long time but- as yet- does not know of Kellie would expect, that if they took the time to at least peruse my website, check out my various pages, my myriad thoughts, opinions, views, etc...expressed there (and here!) they'd find that Kellie is pretty much the same person they've always known, albeit- hopefully!- a might bit prettier! :) "Conventional?" I can live with that, easily...

But I like the OTHER compliment I received today better- I was told I have legs to make Tina Turner envious- thanks, sis! :) more hour to go...

"She can't catch up with the working crowd/The weekend mood and she's feeling proud/Live in dreams, Sunday girl..."

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Interesting end to this season of "The Sopranos"...leaves several story lines/ideas open (for WHENEVER they next resume production!)...Is there any way BOTH teams can lose the NBA Finals? The Lakers and the Pistons, ugh...McNasty and McFilthy, to rework Johnny Most's old phrase :)

OK, so I've been in a bit of a funk recently. There hasn't been one particular thing I can point to, one particular incident, but rather just a whole bunch of little things piling up one upon another...the- largely- lackluster spring weather we've had (notwithstanding the last two days of- ahhhhh!- summery warmth!) the seemingly endless bad news being reported out of Iraq, and the generally nasty tone and tenor of what passes for civic discourse these days overall, a lack of ANY meaningful and/or satisfying social life due primarily to bill$ and tight finance$ personally, a vague feeling of just being adrift in my life, lacking sufficient purpose, focus, and the like, and a feeling of disappointing folks, and of losing the friendship and interest of folks due to my same old-same old schedule, and of course the negative feelings of having the whole court thing still hanging over me, feeling like SUCH a jerk, SUCH a dirtbag loser over it all...just a general funk, an edginess, an unease, that I haven't felt as strongly or as persistently in quite awhile...

Sometimes it seems as if people get angry w/ me because I'm unable to spend the time w/ them that I would like. Hey folks- doncha think I would if I could?! Maybe people don't realize how closely I cut it financially. Even before last summer's "incident," money was kinda tight for me. And even now, as I'm closing in on the end of my payments for that incident, finances are still tight, as some of the results from that just keep on keepin' on (increased auto insurance premiums and the like) plus it got me behind on other bills, not being able to pay 'em down/off as I had been. Don't get me wrong- I blame NO ONE but myself for this predicament (and if one needs NO other reason NOT to drive impaired, the financial co$t$ should suffice) but it's been almost a year now, a year that in many ways seems wasted, a year that I HAD hoped to have made some significant strides with "this" in terms of leading a far more active life "this" way than I've been able to do, again, mostly due to financial constraints, and the attendant time spent tending to maintaining them, being unwilling to risk changing my situation/status for fear of being in arreas to the court. And then to feel badly because I've had to neglect other people, other relationships, other parts of my life as well...again, ALL my own fault, but, over a year or so, it does start to weigh on me, feeling as if in a rut, trapped, just doing the same ol' thing seemingly day after day, week after week, month after month now, with little progress seeming to come.

So for those who have noticed- yeah, I have been a lil down recently. And yeah, things will change, things will improve, things will get better, for me personally as well as for the larger world. By nature, I tend to be a relatively sunny, optimistic person, which makes feeling this way for any extended amount of time even more uncomfortable, unsettling. There's more I could say- this is probably self-indulgent enuf! :)

"Someday never comes..."

Saturday, June 05, 2004

God bless President Reagan. Rest in peace.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Sometimes simple pleasures will make someone's day. I was listening to the radio earlier today, and some guy called in to ask for a request, you'd have thought he died and went to heaven when they played it; I mean, this guy was REALLY happy! Good for him...

Had an outstanding run this morning, felt good out there, the weather finally cooperating a bit as mileage is down more than a little bit from the end of last summer (close to 7mi/morning then, around 5 right now) but barring any injuries, I'll have it back up there...laid out and got some sun earlier this afternoon as well, that tan is NOT gonna fade if I have anything to say about it! Fortunately, I tan easily, quickly, and seldom burn (who says the Irish can't tan?! :)...I know it's maybe not the healthiest thing to do for my skin (and I probably have a little more, um, "character"- yeah, that's it!- on my face as a result, but I do my best not to get too dried out, I moisturize religiously and hey, I like the look!)but we all have our vices, don't we?

So...was anyone else NOT disappointed to see Adriana get whacked on "The Sopranos?!" (And of course, being that it's "The Sopranos," I HAVE to use the term "whacked!") Really- I know, I know, most men watching the show enjoyed that character for her, um, attributes, but- in my lil opinion, Adriana was THE most noxious female character on the program (with Janice giving her a close run for the money), a tribute to both the writers and to Drea de Matteo, for the depth they gave to such a shallow, gold-digging character. (My two fav female characters on the show are Carmela, and of course the lovely Dr. Melfi!) My one fear with "The Sopranos" is that at some point they'll have either Adriana, or worse, Big Pussy, step out of a shower in a Bobby Ewing-esque "dream" sequence! I don't ordinarily watch a lot of television (I have one friend who always laughs at how little I know of most "popular" shows;) I admit, I'm a bit of a geek in that regard! For many reasons I simply don't watch a lot of television; when I do, more often than not it's either the news, sports, or documentary-type programs. But I do follow "The Sopranos," it's really well-done television.

A few random thoughts...One VERY under-rated, and under-employed, actress I always enjoy watching is Karen Sillas...Did anyone else catch any of the NCAA lacrosse finals on ESPN last weekend? Quite a crowd! (Syracuse won BTW, beating Navy.) Lacrosse is a fantastic game, one growing in popularity; sadly, my high school didn't have it when I was in school (they do now)...Made my next-to-last court payment today.

"There she was just a'walkin' down the street, singin'/Doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo..."

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend, had some fun, relaxed, and kicked back while- hopefully- taking a moment or two to pause and reflect upon the meaning of the holiday.

Mine was alright- went to a cookout yesterday, the night before last I was hoping to head out for a night out when, almost literally at the last moment, I heard from a couple of friends who were about 5 mins from my place and were gonna swing by. Had they shown up unannounced a few minutes later, they might've caught me heading out, which would have been, how shall I put it..."revealing?" (They don't know "Kellie.") Oh well...a quick jump into the shower to wash off my "warpaint" and a decent night out w/ a couple of old friends was the order of the evening. Yeah, I'd rather have done something else, but that's not a reflection upon my friends by any stretch, rather, I suppose it's a reflection, for good or bad, upon me, my changing attitudes, priorities, etc...(Not that they've changed too much- after all, I still did the "tried and true," still did what was expected of me, still honored, yes, loyalties and commitments, rather than doing just what I'd have preferred.) I did end up missing meeting up w/ one of my other/"Kellie" friends....sorry.

So now its yet another damp, gray cool Tuesday. Is it REALLY June?! C'mon, let's get some serious warmth and sun in here, pronto! This gal has a tan that is quickly fading! My apologies for some of the recent entries, this blog being too ponderous or serious; I've had a few people ask/comment on that. Things are fine, I just tend to get thinking too much sometimes is all. I DO appreciate the thoughts, advice, suggestions, concern, and so forth that folks have shared- thanks! Bottomline- if anything is radically going to change in my life, it is going to HAVE to be of my doing, by re-examining and, most importantly, changing some long-held mindsets. Enough for now!

"Shouldn't I have this/Shouldn't I have this/Shouldn't I have all of this and/Passionate kisses..."