my weblog

Monday, May 27, 2002

Good run this morning! It was a lil foggy and cloudy, but I felt pretty good, the knee didn't hurt at all (I know, I know, will she ever stop talking about that $%#! knee!) A day off, yay!!! Going to a cookout later today, should be pretty good, see some old friends, good for the soul, that bit! ;) 'Cept the past few times we've hooked up, my friend's wife (she didn't grow up w/ us) keeps trying to hook me up w/ one or another of her unattached friends...if only she knew! ;) I'll probably stay to watch the 1st half of the- record setting!- Celtics game, then try to get back and catch most of the 2nd half here...go Celts!

"Well you're a real tough cookie with a long history/Of breaking little hearts like the one in me/That's OK, let's see how you do it/Put up your dukes, let's get down to it.."

Thursday, May 23, 2002

What a sunny, beautiful, WARM day today! And I was able to take some advantage of it, yay! Might've been a great day to take a trip to either Cape Cod, or Cape Ann, (strolling and hiking the rocky, rugged coastline there?! ;) but didn't have that much time to wanna spend on the road...Laid (lied?!) out in the sun for a little while, trying to get the beginnings of a more all-over tan (besides face, legs, and arms ;)...also shot around for about an hour or so at some courts not far from where I live- my game is rusty, in desperate need of some coaching ;)...My workout was so-so today, tho'...I seem to losing some motivation, don't know if my routine is getting stale, need to add/do something different, or if the sun just wore me out a lil bit...I HAVE to get re-energized and re-motivated! I haven't slept well the past few nites, either, not sure why...just felt restless, edgy, that sorta thing...maybe I need something to do just before falling asleep to feel relaxed, take the edge off a lil bit?! ;) Sadly, that won't happen this know the drill, ugh! Big sports weekend in town...the Celtics tied up the series, they come back here to play Saturday (damn, that Jason Kidd IS good, tho'!), and- I know its heresy around these parts!- I'm not the biggest baseball fan, but the Sox (the AL East leading Sox!) and the Yankees (2nd best in MLB) have a key May series starting down the street tonite...and how 'BOUT those Pats?! (Sorry, couldn't leave 'em out! ;)

"Bother me tomorrow/Today I'll buy no sorrows/Doo, doo, doo, lookin' out my back door..."

Sunday, May 19, 2002

Just the latest sports report, folks...Celtics lost tonite, 104-97 to the Nets, they just seemed a little out of sync, but hey, its only Game 1! Jes glad to be home, able to kick back and relax for a bit w/ an "adult" beverage or two, hee! Early to bed tonite, later! :)

"She would never say where she came from/Yesterday don't matter if its gone/While the sun is bright/Or in the darkest night/No one knows/She comes and goes..."

Saturday, May 18, 2002

Got up early, but a rainy Saturday morning, too wet for my run, sigh...sorta reflects my mood this am, anyway. I dunno, maybe it's just another weekend spent, well, you know, but...I have to make time for more, have to make changes for more out of my life, I'm getting into too much of a rut, a dull routine. I dunno, I don't want to get too deep, but often I think I don't demand nearly enuf of myself; that, or maybe I demand too much of myself, in that I always try to do what is expected of me instead of what I want (I addressed this below, so I won't get into it much again.) Mostly I just get frustrated that, too often, I fall short of the person I want to be in so many ways, not only TG, but in what I do/want to get out of life, even the way I treat people sometimes. I probably need to lighten up in many ways, and increase my, I dunno, follow-through? in others. There's SO much more out there than I'm currently letting myself be a part of; nice, interesting people to meet, places to go, things to do and experience, a more fulfilling life to lead, and no one is going to do it for me! Sorry- must be the rain and gray skies this morning! :)

"We're one, but we're not the same, well, we hurt each other and we do it again...We're one, but we're not the same, we get to carry each other, carry each other..."

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Some time free this afternoon, cuz guess where I'll be this evening?! Grrrrr...I'll be heading to the gym in a couple of hours, leg day today! Wanna really kick it hard on my cardio as well, need to burn off some pent-up frustrations, and calories! ;) Found out my weekend won't be my own yet again- had thought this weekend things might ease up a bit, but no, dang. I'm really getting tired of not being able to do what I want to do, when I want to, at all; and that, when I have time free, no one else usually does. I admire, and at times, envy, people who are able to live, or make lives for themselves where they are able to live, significantly as they choose. I have one friend, she's pre-op, who has really taken the initiative and had the courage to make her life what she wants it to be; embarrassing cuz she's even a few years younger than me, and she's had even more relations to have to square away than I, and she's done it so successfully, great relations with family and many friends from "before", important and rewarding work, nice home in a breathtaking part of the country, active social life, has maintained many of her interests from "before", and she's a nice, interesting, and stunning gal to boot! (I can probably bench more than her, tho'- hee!) I have another friend, she's in a more similar boat to me right now, yet she almost always seems to maintain a positive attitude, is constantly looking to improve her situation, doesn't stay complacent or content. I can think of countless people who, in ways large and small, always seem to improve, or at the very least, continually make the effort to improve, the quality of their lives in the ways that are important to them. Me? Too often I get fired up as heck for 10-15 minutes to make life changes, but then, what- reality? complacency? sets in, and too often I lose my drive. I want to learn from those who have taken charge of their lives, who have shown the courage to make the changes and do the things they need to do in order to live more honest, fulfilling lives. So many people do, in so many ways (not just TG-related but to me, that is part of it), I don't know why I hold myself back as I do, why I don't/won't break out of my comfort zone as it were. It's odd- on those occassions in my life when I've faced new and at times sorta frightening things, when I've followed thru on them, they've always turned out being some of the best things I've ever done! Anyway...

Celtics won last nite- on to the Eastern Conference Finals! Its still a ways off, but a Celtics/Lakers Final would be SOOOOOO cool! (Hey- no one expected the Pats to reach the playoffs this season, much less win the Super Bowl! Maybe I'll hafta break out my Celtics t-shirt for a pic! ;)

"The tide is high but I'm holding on/I'm gonna be your number one/I'm not the kinda girl who gives up just like that, oh no..."

Monday, May 13, 2002

Great workout this afternoon! The knee brace I bought seems to have helped quite a bit, which is good 'cuz I put on a lil weight over the last couple of weeks, not being able to run/do cardio/leg lift as much as I normally had, agh! Summer will soon be here, gotta be in shape! ;) Rainy today, tho', ewwww...

"I'm lookin' for a love/I'm lookin' for a love/Lookin' here and there/Searchin' everywhere/Lookin' for a love to call my own..."

Sunday, May 12, 2002

Got done a lil while ago from having Mother's Day dinner with, well, mom! Actually I made her dinner; baked stuffed shrimp, asparagus, small salad, wine, and a box of chocolates! It was a nice afternoon, despite being a rainy day, always a nice day when you can spend it w/ your mother! :) AND the Celtics went up 3-1 vs. Detroit today, yay! ;) This was yet another weekend I spent NOT doing what I'd have liked to have been doing- you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it still frustrates, agh! Sadly, I think I've lost touch with, or lost the interest of, folks I was close to, or would like to (still!) get close to; sorry, please believe me (hopefully things will change, or I will MAKE things change, soon.)

"Let me go on lovin' and believin', 'til its over/Please don't tell me how the story ends..."

Monday, May 06, 2002

I hope yesterday's entry didn't come off as too whiny! I know things for me are overall pretty good, certainly could be worse- someone I care about is dealing w/ illness to a loved one, another has had endless car troubles (I've been there- it can be nerve-wracking!), someone else is isolated, alone if not lonely, some running from their devils, dealing w/ their demons; I can think of others, too. Hey, it's a sunny morning, I'm reasonably fit and healthy- things could be worse! Cheers!

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains/And we never even know we have the key..."

Sunday, May 05, 2002

(I told you this blog mite be on whatever, hee!)...Anyway, I've been thinking about relationships lately, w/ people, ideas, institutions, etc...I've always had a difficult time putting myself, my wants, needs, desires, etc...first. I don't mean that to come off as "nobly" as it might seem, in many ways it's probably been a hindrance to me, but in so many of my "life" decisions, large and small, I've always tended to put, or looked to, how things I might do might affect those around me. I don't just mean re. TG issues, either, but so many things; so much of who I try to be and what I try to do seem predicated upon being the person others perceive me as, doing the things others expect of me. I'm not one of those people comfortable with putting myself first- there are some who are, I know of many who have, in my view, abandoned their responsibilities to those they owe them to to follow/find their own bliss as it were (while to them I'm sure they see it as trying to live an honest, healthy life; and really, who am I to judge them and their choices?) Much of it comes down to my (over-developed?) sense of loyalty; I'm a FIERCELY loyal person, to people, to ideas, to institutions (not always bad- my loyalty to the Patriots finally paid off last February! lol!) I feel like I must always be the person others expect me to be- further, I feel like I must always be there for them, as they want me. This isn't bad when they've warranted this, but often times I'll maintain a loyalty to folks who've shown little or no reciprocity in a long time. I don't only mean the "friend" I mentioned a few days ago, but she could serve as an example. While I admit I was a lil po'd at her comments, more I was hurt, bewildered, as well as a bit worried about her state of mind. Nevertheless, she could ask almost anything of me, even right now, and if possible, I'd do it for her. I have old friends I've pretty much lost contact with who, if they called out of the blue and asked me for something, I'd be there. Similarly with ideas- in many (perhaps too many!) ways, I hold many of the same ideas, views, etc...I've had for almost 20 years. I don't know if it's just because I don't like to admit I might've been wrong, or if I'm afraid to truly consider alternatives, if these ideas/views are held because they are what is expected of me/or held by most everyone I know, or maybe- perish the thought!- they mite even be correct?! And the same w/ institutions; until recently, since I was 1st registered to vote, I belonged to a particular party, and only a year or so ago finally was able to break my loyalty there. And the biggest one right now is religion; I (nominally) belong to a denomination that has been in the news a lil bit as of late (ugh) and, hard enuf reconciling some of its teachings w/ my life, then to have a scandal the nature of the one that's broken occur, and the way they responded, calls into question, not only their 'authority' to instruct others in how to live, but remaining loyal to an institution that could let these scandals occur time after time. But still its difficult for me to make these cuts, even when, intellectually, they mite make me happier to a degree, but would that "happiness" be offset by, what, guilt, whatever, over short-changing/disappointing/failing those I felt/feel? a level of loyalty to? Pretty deep, huh?! ;)

"In the end, only kindness matters..."

Saturday, May 04, 2002

Celtics won BIG last nite- yay! Next opponent, the Pistons! Bright, sunny morning :) Went for my run, my knee was acting up again, may have to get some kind of brace or something (I hadda play high school football! ;)

"I'm not waiting on a lady/I'm just waiting on a friend..."

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

I just received a maddening email from my oldest and one of my most cherished t-friends. She's finally beginning the last road toward her SRS, it's been a long time coming for her, and she's in a position in several ways where it should be as relatively easy a process as can be. But the note she just sent me was filled with such hostility toward me, hostility I truly don't understand; I'm hoping it was merely the 'mones running on overload. We hold different views on a number of things, particularly politically and to a lesser extent spiritually. At times in the past, I've been fairly vocal in my disagreements, not so much with her political views, as with basically one particular politician she was enamored with. And when on occassion I thought I may've stepped over the line, I was always quick to apologize to her, I was never looking to offend her personally. Now, with the shoe on the other foot as it were, she's taking shots at a politician I at least believe to be doing a good job. No problem. But she's also taken me to task personally, highly insulting remarks, to the point of accusing me of wanting folks of my ethnicity, religion, and political views (actually, I'm a registered independent) to "take over the world." I've never said, nor wished, anything of the sort. I don't understand it, or her. I've known her for almost 10 years now, and I never realized she harbored such intense loathing for me. She's what might be called a "free spirit", and I mean that in the best sense of the word, but apparently her open-mindedness no longer extends to those who don't share her views, or at the very least to me.

And even on a personal level, she's been VERY insulting and derogatory toward me for awhile now; it seems nothing I say or try to do toward her is right. If I ask about or show an interest in her and her life, she calls me "obsessed" and says I need to "get a life", if I compliment or commend her she thinks I'm merely trying to "flatter", if I take issue with, disagree, or don't accept her views or opinions, she's called me "thin-skinned" and "closed-minded," or that I wish to get "one up" on her in some way. I've never said anything of the sort toward her, ever, nor have I ever expected that everyone I know march in lockstep to my views. I've looked up to and admired this person quite a bit; she has a remarkable life story, and she's overcome some pretty big odds in her life. I just don't understand her real animosity toward me, merely because we hold different views on some things...whatever happened to those ideals of "tolerance", of "diversity?" Don't they apply to ALL differences, views, etc...or only "politically correct" ones? Sorry folks, I know this entry won't "stimulate in any way" (another one of her 'critiques'- and it's not that I'm hoping she reads this as, in the entire time I've had my website up, she's never ONCE shown the friendship or consideration to at least ck it out, if not for her, for me.) I promise, my NEXT entry will be a positive one! ;)

"Maybe something's wrong with you/That makes you act the way you do/Maybe I am crazy, too/I wanna soak up the sun/Wanna tell everyone to lighten up..."