my weblog

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

We got our first appreciable snowfall today! A little light snow around the holidays always makes them look more festive...Thanksgiving may be the best holiday we have- it's just one day, as opposed to the Christmas "season," there's much less pressure involved (finding/buying the "right" gift- heck, the whole over-pressurized commercial aspects and expectations of Christmas- finding the perfect outfit for the holiday parties should we be lucky enuf to attend one, or several, end-of-the-year workplace "parties," and so on.) Thanksgiving is just one day, one if, we're lucky, we have family to spend it with, and for those who don't, there isn't the overwhelming sense of "being out of it" as there is being alone at Christmas. Thanksgiving is really a day to spend how we'd like- with family and friends if we wish or want, enjoying a meal, watching football...some give back to their communities, serving those less fortunate than themselves. It's always been perhaps my favorite holiday!

And one of the best things about Thanksgiving around these parts (beside the fact that Plymouth is just down the road a bit.) High school sports in New England seldom hold their own against those elsewhere, be it high school football in Texas or Ohio or Pennsylvania, or basketball in Indiana, but for those who don't live around here, what we have are our high school football regular season finales vs. our arch-rivals every Thanksgiving morning, with the games drawing by FAR the largest crowds of the season irregardless of records, acting as a combination reunion/community event, the game that every senior player will remember for the rest of their lives, with the winners' dinners tasting extra good later in the day (we won my senior year!) Many of these games and rivalries go back over 100 years, and they just add to the splendor of Thanksgiving in these parts. Go Tigers! (And go Pats tomorrow as well!)

"Be true to your school now/And let your colors fly/Be true to your school..."

Friday, November 22, 2002

If anyone reads my "This Week's Quote" in the About Me section of my website, they might notice that I often include quotations from the world of sports. There are a few reasons for this- first, I'm a sports-junkie! But also, while they are just games, the lessons sports teach are often ones that can be translated into other aspects of life, the "real" world. In trying to find new inspiration to motivate me toward some of the changes I've mentioned previously, today I came across something from one of my more oft-quoted sports figures, former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden (a man who certainly knows a little something about achievement!), his "Pyramid of Success" (which will be my updated Link of the Week next Sunday, and I'll include the URL here: ) He lays out fourteen qualities or building blocks which he believes are necessary to achieve his definition of success. So much of it makes so much sense, it is almost common sense, but something many of us (or at least I) don't often think of enough. Interestingly, I used many/most of these qualities without quite realizing it in achieving something important to me a couple of years ago. But he puts together the whole package, in a straightforward way, that I plan to adopt and adapt to meet and, as best I can, achieve changes and goals I have, be they earning-a-living wise, re-dedicating myself to my fitness (once this damn knee heals- agh! :) and dietary regimen, spending more of my time doing things I want to do; in short, living the fuller, more passionate and purposeful life that I seek.

Another thing that occurred to me today (hey, it's another rainy, cloudy, chilly day, whaddya want?!) is simply the fleeting nature of life, how time and people can slip away so easily if we let them, and that we never know when they may be gone. Sometimes I feel I've wasted too much time, squandered too many relationships, opportunities, it is- there are few things worse than living with regrets. This doesn't mean being reckless or irresponsible or immoral, but it does mean experiencing the fulness of living, the joy, even the sorrow, but LIVING, not merely existing. Gee- I'm getting pretty fired up! :) Now, will this @#$%! knee stop hurting- sheesh!

"Take away my inhibitions/Take away my solitude/Fire me up with your resistance/Put me in the mood..."

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Damn- while I was doing my entry, my 'puter crashed. Anyway, what I had been typing was that, while I've had much time free this past week or so, I haven't been spending it as much, or as well, as I'd have liked to. My knee has been bothering me all week, which has cut into my running and working out, making me feel frustrated(so much spare time and not able to do much actively), and fat, agh! And I've been drinking a little more than I'd like, or should- not at home alone, but while out. Not sure why (actually I am, but...) but between the knee and this, it's had me waking up with the predicatable results. I can't- heck, I don't even enjoy!- drinking like I used to. And its not just because I've had time free; on other recent occassions when I've had some time free, I haven't indulged like this. Maybe it's the knee, maybe it's a few other things, but it's something I can choose to control- the weight gain I've felt alone should give me pause! (My friend Cathy is going to say this reads like TB's journal!)

Maybe it's also because I'm trying to come to/make some changes in my life. I like how I treat those I care about/those I'm close to (I don't always like how some of them treat me, but...) Earning-a-living wise, I have to make some changes. I'm not happy/don't like the way things are going, or more appropriately, the way I am LETTING things go. I need to make some pretty drastic changes in that regard, and sooner rather than later. Even if it causes me to be less secure, less comfortable, a change would do me good in the long-term, I can't keep going the way I have been, too much time not my own. And while I (usually) workout quite a bit, I have to rededicate myself/get more motivated in that regard. Even before the knee thingy, too often, especially at the gym, it just seemed like I was going thru the motions, again, with the predicatable results (or lack thereof.) And that could be a metaphor for much of my life lately- I'm just going thru the motions, not living with enuf passion or purpose. There are SO many people I know of who are really GOING for it, in all aspects of their lives, be they family members, longtime friends, T-folks I know, etc...which tells me that it IS possible to live a life that way, but that I, and only I, have the power to begin to do so. And I have to begin to figure more of where I want/need to go with my TGism. As I believe I've written before, if it were just or solely me, without having to worry about family, longtime friends, etc...reactions, I'd be much more apt to take it further. But they are a consideration. However, I have T-friends who, heck, have even been married with kids, and have nevertheless come to the decision that their happiness depended upon being true to their inner selves and following that. At 34, close to 35 (two months, yikes!), chances are the "wife and kids" thing isn't going to happen, I need to begin to come to better terms with who and what I really am and need to be in order to be happier and more fulfilled. I don't mean this to sound so dire or serious, but hey, these are some of my thoughts, and this is part of what I started a blog for, to download/unload some of my thoughts, feelings, etc...I have to start to live with more passion, more urgency, in all parts of my life. There is SO much out there to experience, to see and do, to live.

(*addendum- And I feel really bad that I disappoint people, that I'm not always able to be there for them. I've never meant nor intended to disappoint anyone, honest, and if anyone reading this has been disappointed in or by me, I apologize; it wasn't intentional, and it wasn't anything bad about you. I just sometimes fall short of the person I try to be.)

"He wants me, but only part of the time/He wants me, if he can keep me in line..."

Monday, November 18, 2002

Went to Mass yesterday, first time I'd been in awhile. I still get something from it, despite the scandals and, at times, the hypocrisy of some teachings that seem at odds with the central messages of love and forgiveness. My Pats lost last night in Tuck Bowl II; they really can't afford many (any?) more losses this season. Come on, guys! Went out to watch the game, had a little more to drink than I should have, for a few reasons, I'm feeling it a little bit this morning (I can't drink like I once did, which is a good thing!) Not sure how my fantasy team will end up this week- so far I'm ahead of my opponent, but they have a player in tonight's game, while all of mine are through for this week. Let's hope the Bears shut down Isaac Bruce!

"I drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain..."

Saturday, November 16, 2002

A cold, wet, windy Saturday...and I guess Sunday is supposed to be even worse! Just sittin' here with one eye on the college football games, the other, well, here. :) WARNING! WARNING! Intense introspection ahead- turn back now to avoid it!

First, tho'- someone I care about very much landed a new job; way to go, J! And I'm sure that next best-seller will be coming along before too long as well...:)

Anyway...some of this will probably harken back to an entry I made about a week ago (and I know- almost all of my "introspective" rants sound the same, sorry!) But it's the thing about, I dunno, it sometimes seems that the more people get to know me, the less they want to know me, or the less they like me, or something like that, like people like me better before they get to know me better. I'm not sure why. I try to be friendly and genuine. But I've had a few experiences recently that cause me to wonder about this, and to believe that it might be true (the specifics aren't important.) I know I write a lot about how I want/need to change, to take more of a chance, etc...But in some ways I have changed very much over the past year or so, maybe a little longer. Much of my adult life was spent with a fairly dark vision of life, of people. I would keep most people at a distance, try not to care too much or get too involved with others, never too trusting, fairly suspicious of others, their motives, etc...There were a few exceptions, but on balance this was how I conducted myself, probably to keep from being hurt emotionally, not wanting to be vulnerable. Whether some of that also had to do with trying to keep some of my more, I dunno, 'femme'-type emotions, feelings, bay, that's quite possible as well. And just my general view was kinda dark as well. This is something I've tried fairly hard to change and improve over the last year and a half or so. Part of this has been becoming MUCH more comfortable and accepting of, and indeed, reveling in and experiencing, my transgenderism, rather than trying to fight it, or wondering "why", and so on. And beyond that, just in life in general, I've made a conscious effort to become more open, caring, light-hearted, and so on. I'm a nicer, friendlier, and happier person, and I have quite a ways to go still. But it's a struggle, and it is still easy to begin to get drawn back toward that "darker" mindset or mentality, especially when I've made the effort to open up, to give of myself, in many different ways, only to have it seem that many of those to whom I've made this effort have little consideration for me, or for the effort. No one "owes" me anything, and it's not as if I'm a needy, clingy person, but when it seems as if people just turn on you or drop you out of the blue, with no explanation or consideration given, it makes making the effort questionable. By nature I'm a fairly shy, reserved person, somewhat introverted, which made being the "cold" person I was that much easier. It's taken a fair amount of effort to be a more open and warmer and outgoing person. And I LIKE being that way! It's a much more positive, fun, enjoyable way to live. But it hurts, and again, at times makes the effort questionable, when the effort sometimes seems to be for naught.

Whew! It MUST be the gray, cold, gloomy weather today that has me in this mood! AND that my knee was bothering me on my run this am, grrrrr! AND that I need, well, nevermind...:)

"And you give yourself away/And you give yourself away/And you give, and you give/And you give yourself away...."

Friday, November 15, 2002

I'm going to have some extended time free this coming week...FINALLY! Of course, there's always one fly or another in the ointment; I'll be in and out of my place thru the week (doing a lil house-sitting, plus having some work done), and tomorrow is looking like it's going to be an absolute washout, but hey! Now if only I can find something to do...:)

I have some other thoughts, but I'll keep 'em to myself for now...Go Pats this Sunday! :)

"I'm just a girl, guess I'm some kind of freak/'Cuz they all sit and stare with their eyes/I'm just a girl, take a good look at me/Just your typical prototype..."

Monday, November 11, 2002

Veteran's Day. Yeah, it may be a cliche, but it's also true: freedom isn't free. Living in a land as blessed as ours, the least we can do is take a little time to remember and thank those who have defended and protected our freedoms and way of life. Don't forget- remember a vet!

Wild weather! It was almost 70 degrees when I went for my run a little after 6 this morning! After close to two weeks of well-below temps, it's felt great! I'll take it over winter ANY day! And a friend of mine down in Mississippi had what may have been a tornado strike on the other side of town there, yikes!

The Patriots won a squeaker yesterday, beating the Bears in a game similar to their playoff win over the Raiders last January, with a crucial late call going our way and Tom Brady cool under it's a three-way tie for first in the AFC East! And speaking of da Raydas, I need BIG games out of Rich Gannon and Jerry Porter tonight to keep my fantasy league win streak alive; my team didn't have a great Sunday, not a lot of points, I need at least 21 between them tonight for the W!

"I found a picture of you/Those were the happiest days of my life..."

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Had a great run this morning! I usually take Sunday's off, but I'd missed a run earlier this week, and it's such a nice, warm morning, the warmest in, at least, three weeks! Felt good...

Sometimes I wonder if I come off as too cold, or unapproachable, or a prude, or something, in all my various walks of life. Similarly, it seems that sometimes people seem to like me better before they meet me or get to know me better. I'm not sure why, or even if this is really the case, or just my myopic view. I certainly don't try to or intend to come off that way- sometimes I'm a little more shy or introverted than maybe people think or expect. But if I've given anyone the impression that I'm cold, or that I don't care all that much about them, or standoffish or unromantic, it hasn't been intentional, honest! :)
*and a little addendum- I've had people tell me they've been busy, and hey, I accept that. But I get busy, too, yet I usually try to make the effort to keep in touch with folks I purport to care about, even if its just a simple little "hey!". This sounds petty, I know...:(

Is anyone- or everyone!- else glad these elections are finally over?! SO much negative campaigning, on all sides, treating the voters like idiots. I have a little background/experience with these, and here's a hint (tho' no campaign will take it:) just tell the voters what YOU stand for, you DON'T have to tell them what the other side stands for. Let the voters examine all sides of an issue/race, and make up their own, informed minds. And just because someone is your opponent? It doesn't necessarily make them evil incarnate! Sometimes well-meaning people truly come to different conclusions on how best to resolve a particular issue or problem. Lastly, snideness and sarcasm do NOT make good copy (are you reading this, Shannon O?!) In Mass., it was largely a status quo election, with voters electing yet another moderate Republican Governor to check an overwhelmingly Democratic state legislature and an all-Dem Washington delegation. Nationally, if not a mandate, certainly approval for W. and his brand of Republicanism, and a dissatisfaction with partisan gridlock. In my lifetime we've never had a Republican President and Republican majorities in both chambers of Congress. Should the international and domestic security situations stabilize, and the economy improve, W. and the GOP will have earned increased support come '04. Barring any unforeseen events, should these not occur, the Dems will be able to make a case for change. But for now, let's get behind and support the efforts of those who serve us- hey, at least we won't have to watch any more of those @#$%! ads for awhile!

"The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age..." (agh!)

Friday, November 01, 2002

I hope everyone had/is having a blast this Halloween! I'm hoping to get out tonite and tomorrow nite, all depends on how my schedule is looking...not sure yet. I know there's a lotta folks around town planning on doing stuff, so it would be nice to join 'em! :) Anyway, I FINALLY got off the schnide (shnide?!) in my fantasy football league, my boys finally came thru and posted their first head-to-head W of the season...only took me EIGHT weeks, sheesh! Overall points-wise I'm doing alright, right in the middle of the standings, but my W/L record hasn't been so good, but now that we're on a winning streak, woohoo! :) (If only I could get the Pats to perform as well, they'd be calling me 'Kellie Belichick'!)

Someone emailed me recently asking if I was "unhappy" as a result of what they'd read here. I hope none of my endless ramblings come off as too much of a downer, I don't mean them to be. I do like to use this space as a place to unload my thoughts and feelings on a variety of things, including at times personal issues, and I believe everyone is given to bouts of introspection at times. And yes, my life- LIKE JUST ABOUT EVERYONE'S!- is far from perfect, but its the struggles, the good and the bad, that make life interesting. So no, please understand, while at times I may seem frustrated or even unhappy, I DO realize that, whatever problems I may have, I'm still better off than almost 6 billion other people in this world; I have my health, I have family and friends and 'special' people in my life, I have interests I like and can- sometimes!- indulge, I'm blessed to be an American, and my fantasy team is on a one-game winning streak!

"One way or another, I'm gonna find ya/I'm gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha..."