my weblog

Thursday, August 26, 2004

It's funny how certain things can always spur memories of things past...the smell of freshly-cut grass drying in the late-August sun always reminds me of one thing- double sessions, the ol' two-a-day football practices that commenced about a week or so before the start of school...

We've had a stretch of truly gorgeous weather recently- chilly mornings, cloudless, crystal-blue, Septembery skies, dry air, mellow sunsets...the kind of weather that makes New England winters almost bearable! I had this evening unexpectedly free, went for a long, leisurely stroll (an aside: while the Charles River Esplanade, the Common and Public Garden, even the Comm. Av. Mall all get- and deserve- their due as great places to run and/or stroll in Boston, one of the more underrated places, and one of my favs when I have the time, is the Back Bay park-like and relatively quiet, as bucolic as possible that close to the city...just stay out of the reeds- ewww!) enjoying the summery air, gentle breeze, and frenetic as I often stay, I seldom take the time just to amble casually. Mmmmmm...

"You're my blue sky/You're my sunny day..."

Sunday, August 22, 2004

A lil introspection tonite...

Maybe it was just that I attended Mass this morning for the first time in a lil while, but I realize sometimes I need to be more patient, more tolerant with and toward people. Yes, there are some people who are simply intolerant and who simply hate, and those are people it is best just to avoid, they bring nothing but dissension and negativity to life, they poison what they touch. But I would do well to remember that many times people who are, shall we say, prickly, sometimes it's not all their own fault, there are reasons for the way they are. Sometimes I forget how fortunate, how blessed, I largely have been throughout my life; because, by and large, many things have seemed to come relatively easy to and for me, I often assume they do for most others. And I have been fortunate; I had a loving and stable family life growing up (still do) in a comfortable community, I've always had friends and been fairly popular, never been a social outcast or misfit, have been blessed with good health and am reasonably intelligent, etc...even re. my transgenderism, I've been fortunate not to suffer any harassment and such. And most of the people I've known and have surrounded myself with, in whatever walk of life, have been similarly- what?- mainstream, stable folks. The negatives in my life (such as my stupidity last year) have largely been self-inflicted, and have- to date- not been permanently detrimental. So sometimes, when confronted with or by folks who have lived their lives a bit more on the margins, who have not been as fortunate, and who may lack some of the skills, be they social, intellectual, or life experience to generally behave in a more couth or mannered, well, manner, sometimes I don't show the level of understanding or sympathy or empathy for the things that may have contributed to the manner in which they behave, the things they say, the acts they do. Not to excuse bad behavior (and criminal behavior should never be tolerated) but to be a bit more patient, to make some allowances for those less equipped in whatever ways. It's not something I'm proud of or take any joy in, treating those less-fortunate than myself in an ill-mannered way. I regret it when I do, and it is something I need to work on. (As for those who HAVE been blessed, and are STILL obnoxious and uncouth, f 'em! Jes kidding! ;)

"When my fist clenches, crack it open/Before I use it and lose my cool..."

Saturday, August 21, 2004

I've been watching a lil bit of the Olympics, or more accurately, some of the men's basketball. The US men's team lost again today, this time to Lithuania (having previously lost to Puerto Rico.) Now, I like to think of myself as an all-American kinda gal, and I certainly would like to see our athletes and our teams come out on top. But...the style of play I've seen from the US team, compared to it's international looks like playground ball vs. a well-disciplined opponent! The Lithuanians (several of whom play in the NBA) just looked, and their team played, so much more fundamentally sound than our team. I'm not Larry Brown, and maybe my division 2 high school playing days as a limited-skills point guard color my opinion, so perhaps I should leave it up to the basketball coaches out there (and I know you're out there, lurking...! :) but does anyone like the style of ball played by either our Olympians, or more generally, in much of the NBA today? I hafta admit, I found the Lithuanian's play FAR more entertaining, far more sound, than that of our squad. (And don't even get me STARTED on those who chose not to represent our country!)

Don't buy into the cliche that liberals and Left-leaning folks are always so much more tolerant and non-judgmental than their more moderate or centrist peers. Over the last week or so I've been involved in an exchange with some of 'em on a bulletin board I occasionally frequent. Put aside their politics; it's the utter unwillingness and/or inability of some of 'em to see just how closed-minded, how hypocritical, how hateful, they are toward those who question or disagree with their world view that is so maddening! Many of these folks are the first ones to espouse how "tolerant" they are, how "open-minded" and "committed to diversity" they are; except, apparently, when it comes to views not in lockstep to their own! After reading attack after vile personal attack upon our President and his party, all I did was provide a few examples of how pols and parties on their side at times engage in the same sort of behavior they decry in (in this case) every and all Republicans, and that it is not wise to blanketly castigate one entire group and/or unquestioningly accept another, and that either way, casting aspersions upon the motives of those with honestly-held-but-differing views is wrong. I didn't denigrate or disagree w/ 'em on some of their views, only called into question the hate-filled, judgmental, intolerant manner in which they stereotyped every and all folks who differ from their view, the inability to disagree w/out being disagreeable, to debate w/out demonizing those who differ. What I got was a few lowlifes questioning my motives and integrity, as if any and everyone transgender MUST unequivocally endorse and support left-leaning Democratic politics or be drummed out of "the sisterhood!" This sort of stuff is killing our politics, yet some (on both sides) feel compelled to engage in that sort of uncouth behavior. How are we ever going to begin to resolve some of our more pressing issues, or begin to become a truly tolerant, open-minded society, if some won't even agree to disagree respectfully? Ack!

I shouldn't let it get to me, as these folks have no impact upon me personally. I just don't deal well with closed-minded, intolerant, hypocritical folks.

"If you waste your time a'talkin' to/The people who won't listen to/The things that you are sayin'/Who do you think's gonna hear?"

Friday, August 13, 2004

For your amusement (as kickoff for the Pats 1st preseason game draws near... :)

Did you hear about the latest in car radios? They now have 'em with voice recognition. You shout "soul," and it plays a soul station. You shout "rock" and it finds rock & roll for you. You shout "country" and it finds country music. Pretty incredible.

So I was driving around, enjoying this new technology when some children ran out right in front of my car, causing me to swerve at the last second to avoid hitting them. "Fucking kids," I yelled out.

And my radio started playing Michael Jackson songs!

"Beat it...beat it..."

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Was listening to the radio a lil earlier, heard a live version of a song that brought me back to some of my youth (and probably dating myself here!)...Picture a sweaty suburban junior high cafeteria on a Friday night (An aside- whatever happened to junior highs? Do they still have 'em? It seems they've morphed into "middle" or "intermediate" schools...was "junior" considered somehow demeaning? Hmmmm...but I digress...) Kids liquored up on beer and booze liberated from their parents' and consumed in the woods behind the school a couple of hours prior...guys smelling of Brut or Old Spice (or maybe just Mennen Speed Stick!), girls of Love's Baby Soft...half a dozen teachers milling around disinterestedly...some band called Mystyk Magyk or something playing guessed it- the junior high dance! Five dollars buys three hours worth of third-rate rock n roll and teen romance! The reason this came to me is that invariably, the last song of the night, the "slowdance" song, the makeout tune, the one where thirteen year old hormones were racing at ninety miles per second, was almost always the one that I heard this evening (done much better by the band, naturally!)

"And if you listen very hard/The tune will come to you at last/When all are one and one is all/To be a rock and not to roll..."

Friday, August 06, 2004

A passing thought or two while lamenting the loss of James Johnson Jr., the stylist of so many wholesome, tender, and heart-warming songs thru the years, Buffalo's best, the Superfreak himself, Rick James.

Speaking (writing?) of Buffalo: no offense to any- what, Buffalonians?- reading this, but I've never liked Buffalo, or at least, any of it's teams, reserving for them a loathing almost on a par with NYC! For many reasons, I TRULY despise the Bills, always have, almost as much as the New Jersey Jets (not to be confused with the New Jersey Giants!) I don't like the Sabres. I didn't care for the old Buffalo Braves way back when. I'm sure Buffalo is a nice city filled with good, hard-working, upright people (the aforementioned Mr. James notwithstanding!) but as a sports town at least, I loathe it. (GREAT wings you guys invented, tho'! :)

The Pats let the "Big Cat" go today; guess he hadn't sufficiently recovered from that ankle injury. Too bad; the guy is a monster, and he gave it his all...Is anyone excited about the Olympics? I fear, given the venue (Athens,) it could be very dicey security-wise. I'll watch some of it I'm sure, but so many of the events just aren't all that exciting to watch. That's NOT a commentary on the athletes and the hard-work they've undertook to achieve the success they have in their given events. But...

Interesting- and sad- piece on Joe Namath in the current Sports Illustrated, worth checking out if you can...also a nice piece on Bill Belichick...Guess this post was largely a sport-related one tonight! Except for...

"She's a very kinky girl/The kind you don't take home to mother..."

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

OK, so I'm at the gym this afternoon, had finished my lift (yes, I still lift!) and was about 10 minutes or so into my StairMaster session when this guy gets on to the machine to the right of me (and his, I guess, girlfriend got onto the machine to the right of him.) Now, for some reason as well, the gym has been more crowded than usual lately; I dunno if it's folks trying to get buff before heading off for vacation or what, but for whatever reasons its been the most crowded, really, since the New Year's Resolution crowds the first week or so of January. Anyway, I'd never seen either of them there before, maybe they usually show up at a different time, or just recently joined. But man...this guy REEKED of cologne! I mean, it smelled like he BATHED in it! Literally, it was making my eyes water! And it was over-powering enough where I ended up cutting my session short at 30 minutes. I don't get it...I mean, I don't mind a man wearing a hint of cologne, it can often smell quite pleasant...when used in moderation! But this guy...I don't know what it was (I admit, I'm not up on the latest men's colognes) but it was cloying, and worse, just WAY too much! Like I said, the gym has been more crowded the last week or so, and the other machines were being used; plus, I shouldn't HAVE to move just because some guy hasn't mastered the art of cologne! And after 30 minutes of up-close to Mr. Scent, my watering eyes and aching head were enough to take the wind out of my sails to continue my session. (I suppose I could've included a riff in my "Regular Guy" post about colognes and such; short story, a "Regular Guy" seldom wears trendy cologne, and NEVER wears too much!) So guys, please- when it comes to fragrance, moderation! (I know- bitch, bitch, bitch Kellie! Sorry! :)

"I had to interrupt and stop this conversation/Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation/I'd like to talk when I can show you my affection..."

Sunday, August 01, 2004

I was thinking of going out last night, but got in a bit late and was a lil tired. was one year ago, just about six hours ago now, that I had one of my biggest f' ups. Wish I could say it was the first and only time I'd ever done it (sadly, foolishly, I'd done it countless times during my seemingly endless extended adolescence, often much worse) but it has been the last time. I know I've often gone on and on about it, but it affected it me quite a bit, not only for how stupid I was for doing it (especially at my, ahem, age) but for how it could have and, in a couple of instances, has affected, others. I still feel so embarrassed and so ashamed when I think of it (and I do think of it, perhaps too often) feel like such a loser, really. It's odd how the many things we do right in our lives don't seem to have nearly as positive the impact on ourselves as the things we do wrong have a negative impact (or maybe that's peculiar to me; I dunno.) There were a LOT of things I had hoped to accomplish or, at the very least, move forward on over the past year prior to that, things that, due mainly to $$$ concerns and restraints as a result of this, plus just having a considerable amount of wind taken out of my sails for several months, I lacked the resources and the will to move forward on. In many senses, it was a year wasted. And all my own fault.

A little over one month of probation left and, to paraphrase, my long personal nightmare will be over.

"Lord help me, Jesus/I've wasted it so, help me, Jesus/I know what I am..."