my weblog

Sunday, October 27, 2002

One other thing...I am getting KILLED in my fantasy football league! Overall point-wise I'm not doing quite so badly, I'm in the middle of the standings, but head-to-head I've lost EVERY @#$%! week so far, agh! I'm the Cincinnati Bengals of my league (sorry Bengals fan, um, I mean fans!) They're KILLING me, Whitey, they're killing me! C'mon guys, let's go!

"It's so easy to fall in love/It's so easy to fall in love..."

Saturday, October 26, 2002

A wet, rainy day all day today and this evening, stuck here at the old grind, rather than doing some things I'd MUCH rather be doing...:) A lil more introspection (as if anyone is interested! lol!) thought that struck me twice recently... once as I was emailing a friend of often- too often- I tend to look back, not so much live in the past as much as just, I dunno, I'm not really sure how to put it/explain it, but it struck me because this person I was emailing always seems to focus forward rather than look back. Sentimental memories can be nice, but if they come at the expense of truly moving forward, their value is questionable. Good or bad, the past can't be affected or altered, only the future can be by our actions in the present; the best we can do is learn from our mistakes, AND our successes (nor become overwhelmed and defeated by our failures nor rest upon our laurels) and apply those lessons to our present. The friend I was emailing has always gotten this, lives their life that way- too often, I do not. The second time this was driven home to me was while finishing, of all things, Bob Knight's autobiography. Whether one is a fan or foe of the former Indiana and current Texas Tech basketball coach, he made an interesting point regarding his interregnum between his dismissal from IU and his subsequent hiring at Tech, simplistic but powerful in its imagery, basically being that life is much more promising, fulfilling, and wide open, when one is looking thru the windshield as opposed to the rear-view mirror; in effect, glimpsing the possibilities ahead rather than looking back on where we've been, good or bad. As anyone familiar w/ Coach Knight knows, he's HARDLY a touchy-feely kind of guy, yet if someone of his temperament and, yes, stature, can be open to change, embrace new opportunites and move forward rather than dwell upon and rest upon his past, and for that matter, if the friend I referenced above (given the extremely difficult past she had to overcome) has been able to do so, and I can easily think of others who embrace this kind of mindset, there's no reason I, as sentimental and tradition-bound as I often am, cannot do the same. I know its a better way to be- I have to make a conscious effort to move in that direction, every day. Now...if only the Pats will WIN tomorrow!!! :)

"Now those memories come back to haunt me/They haunt me like a curse/Is a dream a lie if it don't come true/Or is it something worse..."
(I know- ENUF Springsteen lyrics! lol But BTW- in my lil opinion? "The River" is his best disc.)

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Cool, rainy, drizzly morning...summer is DEFINATELY over :( There are a few people in my life who are experiencing employment changes/difficulties lately...I know this has become a more difficult economy and all, but still, it shouldn't be SO difficult for talented, intelligent people to be able to earn a living at something they have talent at and find enjoyable, not necessarily outrageous wealth and fame (tho' there's nothing wrong with those) but simply being able to earn a self-supportive living doing something they enjoy and living a life that is fulfilling. I so admire people who have been willing to take some risks in their lives, not play things too safe, too comfortable, too conservatively, folks who have had the courage to follow their dreams, their happiness, their "bliss" if you will. And by this, I mean risks; there is a difference between taking a risk and being reckless. It saddens me that sometimes these courageous people have to struggle with some of the "day-to-day" stuff more than others, but maybe on some level they find that struggle, that uncertainty, energizing. I really want to be more like some of those folks (and they exist in all of my various "walks of life"- family, longtime friends, friends from my "T" life, etc...), and I know I tend to go on and on about this too much, and I KNOW I'm the only one who can do this for me, but I still tend to play things too safe, too securely.

And it also makes me feel sorta bad that, because I tend to play things that safely, I let myself get too caught up, too comfortable in the day-to-day, the routine, that I'm often not able to be there for some people in the way that I'd like to be. Not that they NEED me or my support, but hey, everyone can use some support, everyone likes to know that there are folks who care about and for them. And where I'd spent much of my life purposely trying to be sorta cool and aloof, trying to avoid being hurt by others, where I've begun to reach a point where I want to open up to and be there more for others, move more beyond myself, and yet I can't, or won't, its troubling to me as well. Its not about me, or anyone, leading a "perfect" life (gosh, that would be boring!), but a more full, more fulfilling life, the good and the bad, not simply ordinary, average, safe. There are lots of people I know who are leading those kinds of "full" lives- they deserve more than sometimes they get, particularly in these uncertain times, but they are truly living, not just exisitng. I don't mean any of this to sound depressing, just some thoughts on a few things...(hey, its gray and cool today, with the threat of- agh!- snow, whaddya want?! :)

"She ain't ashamed to be a woman, or afraid to be a friend..."

Sunday, October 13, 2002

My Patriots lost AGAIN today- that's a 3 game losing streak heading into the bye week...not good guys :( Bill better get the boys back on-track pronto! This was by far their worst performance of the season, their worst in well over a year...agh!...The few days to myself last week were a welcomed respite, a chance to recharge and refocus a little bit, but mostly to relax! Its been back to the same ol' same ol' since Friday, but hey...And if I can brag just a lil bit? Last week I actually had to buy a size SIX skirt- an eight was too big! ;)...And remember: three lefts ALWAYS make a right! (It's true :)

"Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody wants to have a home/Don't make no difference what nobody says, ain't nobody like to be alone/Everybody's got a hungry heart..."

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Spent a nice afternoon and evening visiting w/ a very good friend up in Gloucester on Cape Ann yesterday. I've never spent any time up there, its very pretty, even if it's a longer drive than you'd think (and even if I did get lost, agh!!!) The weather was gorgeous, a sunny, perfect October day and a crisp evening. We went for an evening drive around/along the coastline of Gloucester and Rockport and thru the downtown of Gloucester (yes, we passed by The Crow's Nest, of 'Perfect Storm' fame!) It was great to see someplace new, someplace I'd never been around here before, especially with interesting and fun company- thanx J! :)

"I don't want to wait for our lives to be over/I want to know right now what will it be..."

Monday, October 07, 2002

Some random's taken me a long time to trust people, to open up and reveal parts of myself to people. For much of my life, I was a pretty private, reserved person, one who usually kept things to myself, played things pretty close to the vest. It kept me from being vulnerable, from being hurt emotionally; to me, emotional hurts were (and are) always far more painful than any physical ones. Recently I've begun to wonder if opening up as I have, trusting people, revealing myself and how I feel about/toward people, has been such a good idea. Maybe it's me; maybe, the more that people get to know me, the less they want to know me. For someone who has traditionally kept things to myself, been circumspect, indeed, at times, suspicious of others' motives toward me, it's been difficult enuf to try to accept folks at face-value- in effect, to believe them, and in them- and then to find that their sincerity was lacking, times it's enuf to make me want to pull back into my shell a bit again, rebuild those barriers...or maybe I've just had too much time to sit around and think today...yeah, THAT must be it! :)

"Lie to me/ I promise, I'll believe..."

Sunday, October 06, 2002

A nice Sunday, was able to do some stuff for me! Went to early Mass this morning- hadn't been in quite awhile...the whole sex scandal thing has me fairly down on the "moral authority" of the Church and it's hierarchy to instruct others on how to lead their lives, but that doesn't detract (for me at least) from sacraments such as Mass themselves. Anyway...I also ran a roadrace down in my hometown later in the morning- a PERFECT day to run! I ran it with a friend of mine; its sorta odd we're running roadraces now- back in high school, we weren't runners but played football (he was co-captain)...I'd have liked to have done a lil better time, but it was the first race I'd run since July, and hillier than my route was pretty good. After, I drove around for a little while- it was probably the most time I've spent there in quite awhile, I don't really get/go there too much particular reason, it wasn't like I was an outcast or ostracized or unpopular back in school or anything or have any ill-feelings toward it, I guess I just sorta drifted away over the years, plus more than a few of my friends moved out of town, or else have the wife & kids bit...drove by my old house, the park, schools, relatives' houses, cemetary, took me back, to something...later I stopped at my mother's (she no longer lives there, either) to watch the Pats (they lost, agh!) and have Sunday dinner with her. I know, this all must sound pretty mundane, but it was a NICE way to spend a beautiful October day- I'd like to have more of 'em!

"I'd sit on his lap in that big old Buick and steer as we drove through town/He'd tousle my hair and say son take a good look around, this is your hometown..."

Friday, October 04, 2002

October...the month I've always told anyone who would listen is the nicest, prettiest month of the year in New England- crisp, cool mornings, pleasant days and evenings, crystal blue skies, the foliage, the scent of wood stoves and fallen leaves, crunching under footsteps...autumn and field hockey games...time to break out my suede skirts ;)...Halloween...almost every place has something to recommend it, but few places can top New England in October!

"I hope you're enjoying the scenery, I know that it's pretty up there/We can go hiking on Tuesday, with you I'd walk anywhere..."