ALL FOR NAUGHT- AGH!!! DESPITE playing 3 1/2 quarters of very uninspired football in an extremely meaningful game, my Patriots rallied late to tie and, in overtime, defeat the Miami Dolphins in a game we absolutely HAD to win to maintain playoff viability. But dammit- today, of all days, the league-leading Green Bay Packers had to pick a game to mail it in, losing badly to the New Jersey Jets, giving the Jets the AFC East title and knocking the Pats (and the Dolphins) out of playoff contention. Dang...

Anyway...I hope everyone has enjoyed the holidays, whichever ones you celebrate! My Christmas was quite nice, thank you :) Now it's on to '03...First, I hope we see a much more peaceful year, one where situations resolve so that loved ones aren't put in harm's way, where despots and international criminals are done in by their own lack of cunning and their victims find justice. And I hope we see a more prosperous year, one in which talented, honest, hard-working folks can thrive from the fruits of their labors, improving their lives and giving back as they can...I've never been much for resolutions or such, they seem so limiting or final, but there are several things I'd like to do or at least make more progress on in the coming year; many of them overlapping and/or dependent one upon the other...professionally, I need to make some real changes. Much of this, of course, is dependent upon how the economy performs in '03. Money is important, earning a decent living, but also enjoying a better overall quality of life, more creative fulfillment in what I do, a better sense of purpose, of direction, in what I'm doing and where I'm going; also, having/creating more of an opportunity to have a much more active social life than I have recently...personally, I want to become more pro-active, more passionate, more focused, more driven, in everything I do. Too often I let myself get into a comfort zone, where I'm, well, comfortable, but seldom challenged to my limits. I know of one person who, in this regard, I'd like to pattern myself after a bit; she always has several irons in her various fires, always has something new and interesting going on to keep her challenged and growing, is seldom afraid to take a chance or make a needed change or, if she is, possesses the courage to overcome her fears and trepidations. Actually, many of the people in my life frequently live with more passion, more daring, than I; it's a trait I admire, and need to incorporate more into my life. And in some way, I'd like to be able to "give something back" or "pay it forward" as it were. I'm not sure of the impression I give, but I can be a fairly shy, introverted person, it's sometimes difficult for me to reach out/help out in the way I'd like. But to do some things, large or small, for those less fortunate than I, might give me more of that sense of purpose I referenced above ...physically, I have to get back at it hard! The last month or so, with the knee problem, a bit of bursitis I'd experienced in my shoulder, as well as the weather, have all kept me from working out as hard and committedly as I had. And that, coupled with holiday eating and drinking (a lil too much of that over the last month and a half, sigh), has caused me to- agh!- put on a little weight! I enjoy being fit, the feeling of it as well as how I look when I really have the whole thing, proper diet and exercise, going on! I need to eat much more cleanly again- for me, that means cutting back on the carbs and increasing the protein (I've been adding more soy products; milk, nuts, etc..., to my diet over the last year or so, along with the fish, cottage cheese, lean meats, protein bars, nuts, etc...), drinking plenty of water, and so on. Besides easing back into running and getting my mileage back to where it was, I want to get much more cut and defined- #1 priority, working my abs harder! They're always the hardest body part for me to train :( But also getting more lean, cut, and defined overall. Also, and it's sorta vain maybe, but I want to gain some added strength this year as well; I may not be able to bench press a Buick, but I would like to push a little more weight than I currently can. Two other items here- I want to play a little more basketball again, and also take (or more appropriately, re-take!) up tennis!...Re. this website, I plan to re-design it, make it more visually appealing, easier to navigate, hopefully add more features, keep it fresher, and more than ANYTHING, add newer pics FAR more frequently (once I lose my holiday weight gain, natch! :)...Relationship-wise, I wish to find more time to nurture and grow them, both old and new. I have known, and I do know, many fun, interesting, quality people. There are several longtime friendships that, for various reasons- mostly of my doing, or undoing- have withered, and I wish to do far more to re-invigorate them if at all possible. There are also several newer relationships that I hope to strengthen and deepen, and I know there are people I have yet to meet that will yet have an impact upon me! (Part of that is going to have to include becoming more outgoing, less introverted or shy, developing greater self-confidence.) Sadly, there are also a couple of relationships that, most likely, won't see '04. One is a very longtime friendship I've had that, for far too long now, I've seemed to have been the only one putting any real effort into keeping alive. Another isn't nearly that old, but has gone similarly. I can be intensely loyal, persistant, stubborn even, but unless things begin to change on their respective ends these will most likely end this year...TG-wise (betcha didn't think I was gonna get to this, didya?! :) I need to gain a better idea of where I'm going. Each year has seemed to draw me further and further down this road (even if its only been at 2 MPH!) In some ways, I'm at a point where I may be more able to take it a bit further, creating an increasingly more fulfilling and "real" life this way, trying to further synthisize or fuse all of my various interests, attitudes, views, personas and personality quirks, etc...(part of this may include some small "identity" changes, so stay tuned! :) There are a few T folks I know who have done this in a manner I'd like to, but of at least equal importance still is how this might play out with family, longtime friends, etc...Overall, come late '03, I'd like to see me be a MUCH more full, fulfilled, complete person, conquering obstacles, fears, and apprehensions, living with added passion and purpose, making things happen for me rather than letting things happen to me! Hope these don't sound TOO much like resolutions! Cheers :)

"Well its alright now/I learned my lesson well/You see you can't please everyone/So you've gotta please yourself..."

Bad joke of the day...What is Trent Lott's favorite Christmas song? "White Christmas," of course! Groan...:) I hope everyone has finished their holiday shopping, decorating, etc...and can just kick back, relax, and enjoy the season, maybe have an eggnog or two:) ...you have to feel bad for those (like someone I know!) working in the malls this time of year...who was it who said Christmas is for kids and cops??...And now they're saying we may get a significant snowstorm here Christmas Day- no! No snow!...am hoping to see some friends over Christmas whom I haven't seen in awhile...My Patriots lost a horrible one last night to the Jets! They seem to be limping toward the end of the season, holding on for dear life...amazingly, they still have a reasonable shot at making the playoffs, but their play has been so lackluster as of late, especially last night...no running game to speak of, poor pass protection, Brady looked tired, or sick, or something...little pass rush on the defensive side...just a lack of any sense of urgency; not good, guys!

I don't understand people sometimes...I dunno, I like to believe I'm fairly worldly, but maybe I'm naive, or something...I just don't understand people who seemingly drop folks completely out of the blue, for no reason, and with no explanation given...this has happened to me recently, with someone whom I've known for awhile and whom I believed I got along with pretty well overall...I've always taken an interest in this person's life, well-being, happiness, etc...and have tried to be there for them as best I could; I don't believe in a clinging way, but friendly...but over the last two months or so, I haven't heard from this person at all, despite periodically checking in...I don't know of anything I may have done to hurt or alienate them, but the silence has been deafening and, admittedly, a lil hurtful...I know I should probably just say "screw it", as I don't believe I've done anything to warrant such treatment, but I have such a fierce sense of loyalty to people...if someone has been my friend or has done something nice to/for me, it takes a HELL of a lot to lose my friendship, my loyalty; I give many "benefits of the doubt"...and I seldom blame them; I usually figure either I must've done something wrong, or else something has gone wrong in their lives that I'm not aware of, and that's why I haven't heard from them...but I just don't understand how some people can so cavalierly drop or blow off folks for no known reason or with no explanation...I've always believed loyalty is a good trait to possess, but maybe it should have some limits...speaking of limits, I hope everyone who imbibes a bit over the holidays (or at anytime!) does so responsibly!...Cheers, and Merry Christmas!

"I used her, she used me, but neither one cared/We were getting our share..."

Sippin' on a Diet Vanilla Coke (natch!) while making this entry...FINALLY got some Christmas shopping done this morning! Still have a lil bit left to do, but I got a good jump on it, at last :) And WARM?! Woohoo! Rainy and windy, but warm...mid 50's in mid-December? I'll take it!...A friend sent me some pics of me from back in college, I must've been 19 or so...yikes! At least the years haven't been all that bad to me...or maybe it's just cleaner living today ;)...I was certainly looking more massive than I do today- if I could bench or squat now what I could back then, I'd be ten feet tall and bulletproof! lol (Of course, I might not be lookin' too pretty in a mini- tho' some mite say I don't now, boohoo! ;) Nothing planned this weekend, sigh...I'll be at the grind tonight, and all day tomorrow anyway, ho hum, but hey...it's not as if someone is pleading with me to go out w/ them anyway...Off to the gym in a lil while (jes tryin' to get- stay?!- lean and toned these days!)

"And it took me back to something/That I lost somewhere, somehow along the way..."

Blogger was acting up last night, grrrr...Anyhoo...I had an unexpected night free Saturday, yay! It was pretty spur-of-the-moment, I really didn't have time to try to meet up with friends or anyone...still, it felt GOOD just to have a Saturday night free; it'd been awhile...it was a rainy night, didn't do anything too special, just hit a local watering hole, very casually dressed...but again, it was nice just to be able to get out and about, kick back, relax, have a couple of drinks (OK, I had four Guinness- but I nursed 'em, honest! ), and just hang!...One thought- I'm not an anti-smoking Nazi, but I admit, sitting at/near smokers is a bummer...@#$%! smoke gets all in my hair and clothes, ick...Had all of yesterday free as well, spent the day at my mother's...helped her put up her tree...had a nice Sunday dinner, too!...Got done earlier than expected last evening, just hung out here, catching up on email (unlike some folks- and you KNOW who you are, hee! :), chatting and surfin' around a bit...Congrats to Carson Palmer on winning the Heisman...And congrats to Trojan (and former Pats) coach Pete Carroll on the outstanding job he's done at SC!

"I've had the blues, the reds, and the pinks/One thing's for sure...Love stinks!"

Random thoughts...I'm an absolute ADDICT for Diet Vanilla Coke! Don't ask me why, but I can't get enuf of that stuff!...Being its the "holiday season" (politically correct for: Christmas), Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad" is all over the airwaves- not a bad song, but doncha think it goes on just a little too long?! Definately could've been cut by a minute or two...and "Hey Jude" is another one...the "na, na, na, na, nananana..."'s at the end go on and on...enuf, guys!...from the knee injury department...looks like I'm going to have to have it looked at...it's been almost a month now, and it hasn't gotten any better, it still starts to hurt like heck a mile or so into my run...nothing else I do (StairMaster, cardio/aerobics, even leg lifting) bothers it, just running...and the FIRST wiseguy who says "Well, stop running" gets a smack!...Boston's Cardinal Law resigned today...there's SO much that can be said about that whole sordid, sickening affair, but a few thoughts...first, Law clearly had to go, deserved to go, but the scandal, the prosecution of those crimes committed on his, and his predecessors', watch, hardly is at an end, nor should it be...also, while, to date, most of the abuse accusations have been priests abusing boys, there are starting to be more allegations of priests abusing girls, and women, as well, which tends to negate the attempts to portray this solely as an issue and indictment of homosexuality among the priesthood...guys, which part of "celibacy" DIDN'T you understand when you signed up? It's NOT something the Church keeps underwraps...men or women, boys or girls or goats, you guys took a vow to deny yourselves those "pleasures of the flesh"...and to engage in non-consensual behavior, or to take advantage of your stature to satisfy your desires, goes beyond simply being "weak", it is evil...lastly, a church, any Christian church, should only be concerned with advancing the message of Christ, not protecting the "image" of an institution, nor covering for depraved, criminal elements within its midst...and speaking of resignations, two more words: Trent Lott. I've never been a Lott fan anyway, but this guy JUST DOESN'T GET IT! He was ineffective during his previous stint as Senate Majority Leader and, coupled with his idiotic remarks re. Strom Thrumond's long ago Presidential bid, he doesn't deserve his party's endorsement to lead them in the Senate...there are countless other Senate Republicans who would be more effective, AND less divisive...idiot...Patriots are looking pretty good going into the homestretch! The schedule, and their divisional record, favor them, as long as they get it done on the field...the lights along the Comm Ave Mall look pretty!...still haven't started my shopping- nor bought my tree!- yet...can someone explain to me how a college basketball team can be up 30-9 over one of their most bitter rivals at the half yet end up losing the game?? Sheesh...and I guess I'm showing my age, or showing something, but am I the only one who's never heard of the singer Moby?...Lastly, I'm still working on being more patient! :)

"When you go/All I know/Is you're my favorite mistake..."

Good win for the Pats today! Too bad they had to beat Drew in his return to Foxboro, but hey...their schedule is looking pretty favorable for the remainder of the season, hopefully ensuring another AFC East title and the playoffs...not the most original of thoughts, but what occurred to me after the game is how success tends to beget success, not only in sports, but in most endeavors; the extra bit of confidence that comes from achieving something of value, of importance, often seems to be a main catalyst in maintaining success in a given field. It doesn't have to be a Super Bowl championship every season, or being the #1 sales person, or a Pulitzer prize, or however one defines the ultimate goal in a given field, but rather overall success, achieving the best outcome possible given how one utilizes their talents and opportunities. Again, not just to limit it to sports, but as Vince Lombardi once said, "Winning is a habit." While being #1 year after year is extremely difficult, maintaining a consistent level of achievement and/or performance in a given endeavor often seems to come a bit easier once success is experienced; it still has to be worked, and worked hard, at, it's not about resting on past glories, but rather using them as a point of reference, knowing what it takes, and what it feels like, to achieve a desired outcome. Or if nothing else, that other sports adage holds true: losing hurts worse than winning feels good.

My only other thought for the day (as if you haven't read enuf!) regards patience. They say patience is a virtue, and I believe that to be true. Sadly, too often, I'm not very virtuous! I need to be more patient, with people, and with other things, not go off half-cocked as I sometimes have a tendency to do or let things overwhelm me before giving them time...not a very attractive attribute, and I apologize to anyone I may have acted impatiently toward. Good things come to those who wait!

"You weren't your mama's only boy/But her favorite one it seems/She began to cry when you said goodbye/And sank into your dreams..."

Remind me not to sign up for a Disney cruise anytime soon- a "gastrointestinal virus" shared with Mickey and Goofy does NOT sound like fun! Yikes...Well, I bought a new knee brace earlier today, as my knee still hurt running this am...if this brace doesn't do the trick, I may consider buying a new knee! "We have the technology, we can rebuild her...!" Hey, if it worked for Lindsay Wagner...(and isn't THAT a name from the past?!)

"You're really lovely underneath it all/You want to love me underneath it all/I'm really lucky underneath it all..."

With fingers crossed (try typing with fingers crossed!) I HOPE to give my knee another try running tomorrow! I was able to do some cardio work the last few days with little pain, so hopefully...gotta workoff those Thanksgiving pounds, agh! Thanksgiving was nice, spent it @ my mom's, nice meal, always a nice day when you get to spend it w/ your mom :) (Plus the Patriots, and my high school, won their games!) I hope everyone enjoyed the holiday!

A few folks have commented recently that I tend to be too hard on myself. I've often thought that, too often, I'm not hard enuf on myself, I don't demand enuf of myself, and too often come up short toward others as well. But perhaps instead, I have too strong a sense of loyalty, that I feel compelled to be/remain loyal- to people, to organizations, etc...- FAR more and FAR longer than they've deserved. Loyalty is perhaps the trait I value above all others- I try to give it as best I can, and I also expect it from those I give it to. And then I'm disappointed when either I feel as tho' I've come up short in that regard, and also, I'm disappointed when those I've extended it to show no reciprocity, and worse, lack the integrity, or even the basic courtesy, to explain why they have not. I try my best to make allowances for others' behavior, but it's disappointing, and it hurts, when folks show an utter lack of loyalty, of courtesy, without even so much as an explanation, toying with my good intentions and sincerity. (**addendum: I removed a few inconsiderate- and impatient- comments.) I just have to understand and accept that perhaps at times I AM too hard, too demanding, on/of myself.

"Well I've been afraid of changing, 'Cuz I've built my life around you/But time makes you bolder, Even children get older/And I'm getting older, too..."