Is this May or March?! Yikes...the weather as of the 12:45pm Weather.com update...43 degrees, feels like 34...rain shower and windy...NE wind 23mph gusting to 31...waaaaaaahhhhhh! Seriously, it is supposed to be close to 70 for a high this time of year- we won't even crack 50 today. And it's been like this all @#$%! month, well below normal temps and rain and wind...what was all that talk about global warming? (While the desert Southwest, where I sooooo would luv to relocate to, has been having near-record warmth!) But what stinks even more (and the reason I am blogging @ 1pm on a Tuesday) is that I've come down with a nasty lil cold :( Last night I had a sore, scratchy throat, kept me up much of the nite, tuff to swallow (no comments from the peanut gallery!) and odd, too- usually when I get a sore throat (and I seldom do- I'm usually a pretty healthy gal!) its toward the back of my throat, this one feels almost at the top, right where the back of my mouth meets the start of my throat. I also have had a pounding headache, and sneezing...ugh...maybe it was trying to keep up/not bundling up enuf for running in this unseasonably, well, cold weather, but this afternoon I'm home...no gym today, no heading back out...what a waste of a day!

(I know, I know- like anyone cares about any of this!)

"I've got lights you've never seen/I've got moves I've never used/I've got ways to make you come...back to me"

I've been getting a LOT of spam recently, even from email addys I recognize (spoofed) as a result of that worm going around. Fortunately, these are easy to discern, as the subject lines invariably are in German. (Note- if you get an email from my address and the subject line is in German, delete it- I don't sprechen ze Deutsch!) I have never understood the mindset, the thinking, that goes on in the heads of these jerks who create these viruses, worms, etc...Are you that lacking in any positive outlets for creativity? Why not put your abilities to good use and try to create something that people might want (and might pay for?) So often, these viruses and such aren't even created to gain any monetary profit for their creators (a motive, tho' loathsome, one could at least understand and, grudgingly, respect) but simply to create havoc, to make other's lives miserable, to gum up the Internet, for no reason, serving no purpose- nothing so much as the cyber version of graffiti.

One last (for now!) note on my whole "conflicted" thing. Perhaps surprisingly but of the things in my life, one that does not cause me much internal conflict is my whole transgender thing- the seemingly considerable contradiction of being biologically a male while feeling pretty wired mentally, emotionally, etc...as a female (even if a bit on the 'tomboy' side at times) somehow has caused me little in the way of inner turmoil, much less so than the issues I'm wrestling with which I mentioned in a previous entry. Go figure!

Anyway...a little humor for a change (this blog has been waaaaayyyy too serious of late!)
A man with no arms and no legs is laying on a beach when a beautiful woman approaches him and asks, "Have you ever been hugged on the beach?" The man answers no, and she leans down and gives him a long, warm hug.
A little while later, another gorgeous woman approaches the man and asks him, "Have you ever been kissed on the beach?" Remembering his first encounter, the man again answers no, and the woman leans down and gives him a long, lingering kiss.
A little while later still, our man with no arms and no legs is still laying on the beach when the most beautiful woman he's seen approaches him and asks, "Have you ever been fucked on the beach?" Remembering his previous two encounters, the man once again answers no. So the woman leans down close and whispers in his ear, "When the tide comes in you will be!"
Badda-bing!

"I'd trade all of my tomorrows for a single yesterday..."

Worth remembering, in light of the recent NewsWeak fable:
It Is The Soldier
It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves under the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.
- Father Denis O'Brian - U.S. Marine Corps

Absent facts to the contrary, our military personnel deserve the benefit of any doubt...and our respect and gratitude.

You ever feel like half the people you know seem angry with you, and you don't have a clue why? You wrack your brain trying to figure out what, if anything, you could have said or done to seemingly p*ss off so many different people, and you come up empty? And then you wonder if it's just your imagination?

Had a very good run this morning (and what were you doing at 5:30 this morning? Hmmmm...???) but damn, this gray, damp, chilly weather (the weathergal said this month has so far averaged close to seven degrees below normal!) HAS to end!

"A smile relieves a heart that grieves/Remember what I said..."

I've had a general feeling of personal unease for awhile now, stretching back, gosh, to January at least now. I'm not sure what is causing it exactly, I've just felt off for, well, awhile now. Probably the sum of a lot of little things just adding up and adding up, piling up and piling up, none in and of itself particularly egregious, but taken as a whole, over an extended period...Some of it is external. Some of the things I've tended to believe in, to take at face value, to put faith and trust into, have proven less-than-deserving at times, and what makes these worse is that I see no viable, reasonable, satisfactory alternatives to them. As anyone who has read this blog (or perused my site) with any regularity can figure out, I tend to vote Republican; on more issues than not, of the two major parties, the GOP has come closer to reflecting my views, my values, on more issues overall than the Democrats. Or to put it another way, while I disagree with the GOP on some issues, some stances, there are almost no meaningful issues, stances, etc...in which I've found, or find, agreement with the Democrats. Yet too many of the actions and rhetoric emanating from the Republicans in Washington is at odds with what I believe in, the Republicanism of Ronald Reagan, of Barry Goldwater, even of Newt Gingrich being replaced by a less individualistic, more overtly moralistic "Conservative" Big Government every bit as distasteful to be foisted upon free individuals as the Liberal Big Government most Democrats have traditionally pushed. Traditonally the GOP has been the party of more limited government, of empowering the individual not Washington-based bureaucracies, of the use of force when necessary, not merely desired, of government as last resort, not first, of leaving people freer to lead their lives in the manner they see fit, to hold the-lawful- views and values they possess as long as they don't infringe upon others', and more. Today's GOP in Washington, on too many issues, seems to simply want to meddle, to impose their views rather than lessen government from any given equation, to legislate so many issues from on high in Washington rather than allow the states, where the rubber hits the road, to blaze their own paths. Again, there are some issues where I do agree with the GOP (Bush's "Ownership Society" philosophy, tax relief, deregulation, and others.) But on balance, this is not the Republican Party I have traditionally supported; in some ways I feel as if I'm being played for a bit of a chump by still supporting them to any great degree (but once again, the Democratic Party offers me next to nothing, and the Libertarian Party? I've voted for them on occassion, but they really need to become a more serious, a more responsible, option.) So on this score, I'm feeling pretty conflicted and uneasy.

Similarly, as- again- anyone who has read this blog or visited my site can probably guess, I'm Catholic. It's been my faith since I was a child, and there is much to it, not merely the ritual but also much of the scholarship and doctrine of the Church as revealed thru the ages that I find not only comforting, but truthful. And yet...many of the actions and rhetoric of the institutional Church, of the hierarchy, both here and in Rome, has had me feeling conflicted and again, at times, as if I'm being played for a chump. The whole priest sex-scandal, not only the actions of the individual priests committing such acts (despicable, and yet there are despicable individuals who commit similar acts in any profession, but most repugnant when it is clergy) but of the hierarchy, the pastors, bishops, cardinals, and Vatican officials who knew of these people and their acts and simply played CYA with it, seemingly more concerned with Church PR than with the well-being of their "flock." Indeed, the high-handed manner in which Church leaders have handled the financial crises affecting the Church as a result as well. And also, yes, the tone and tenor of much rhetoric issuing forth from the hierarchy on many moral issues. I don't say I disagree with their views- in fact, if one looks carefully enough, there is a consistency to most of Catholic social teaching, it is a worthy goal for the Church broadly understood to strive toward. But in many instances, it seems there is an over-emphasis on an almost legalistic interpretation of morality, not enough on forgiveness and understanding. Hate the "sin," love the sinner, anyone? I remember one time I heard a priest give a sermon, and his words stuck with me- Christ calls us to compassion, not perfection. At times it seems as if some in the Church forget this, all the more disturbing given the Church hierarchy's own recent sins of both commission and omission. And again, being a Catholic (albeit not the most observant of one!) and trying to lead a relatively moral life, feeling some guilt over my- real or perceived- errors and having these amplified by a hierarchy that is guilty of far more heinous errors (to be kind) makes me feel uneasy, and yes, a bit hypocritical in both defending my belief as well as rationalizing my continued support of that institution. Yet, beyond flirting with Anglicanism a lil bit, where else do I turn? Many of the more liberal, "mainline" Protestant denominations offer little in the way of spiritual "red meat," the more conservative Protestant denominations are often more hardline on many issues than the Catholic Church, and no branch of Protestantism offers the same familarity of ritual and tradition that 30+ years of being Catholic have instilled in me.

And then there are other things...seemingly not making any meaningful progress toward so many of the goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams I have, be they career-wise, simply financially, time-wise, socially, and transition-wise. The short explanation is that in almost all ways, I feel as if I'm not living the way I want to in any meaningful way. At times I feel trapped in a vise of my own construction, not living as who or as how I want to, wish to, need to, and that so many of the ideas, beliefs, values, etc...I've subscribed to are often seemingly being shown to be lacking, with no viable, valuable alternatives surfacing. At times I feel so much like the lines of that song I have posted on my website- a walking contradiction.

One last note, one area in which I do feel better about myself. While I have many faults, and I seemingly have and/or make little time to do and spend with those I'd like to, I do care about the people in my life, very much so. Unlike some folks I can think of, I never take those I care about for granted nor take advantage of them, or play games with the feelings and/or emotions of others. I like that about me. And it hurts me when others do not treat me similarly. As is also probably obvious to some who read this blog or peruse my website, there are a few aspects of my life which I do keep more private than others, mainly personal info about myself. This has never been because I've tried to take advantage of folks, or tried to "pull something over" on anyone; rather, it has been to protect me, to protect parts of my life and people in my life to whom knowledge of this part of me would serve neither them, nor I, any positive purpose, until I decide it is necessary for them to know. But for the most part, with me, WYSIWYG, like it or not! ;)

"From the rockin' of the cradle to the rollin' of the hearse/The goin' up was worth the comin' down..."

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope everyone who had the opportunity to do so spent, or at the very least, wished, their mom's a happy day! Despite the miserable weekend weather here (more on that in a bit) I spent a nice day at my mom's, brought her a lil gift, cooked her a yummy dinner, and as much as anything else just spent some time with her! Maybe I'm fortunate in that I've always had a pretty good relationship with my mother, but I've always enjoyed her company, found her enjoyable to be with, etc...so it was a pretty nice day spent with her :) The weather could've been a lil better today, all weekend actually- yuck, what a cool, no, make that cold (for May) windy, rainy, damp gray weekend we had here! Temps didn't budge out of the 40's...and I even had some time off this entire weekend, too, but the weather was sooooooooo miserable, really didn't feel like doin' all that much. C'mon- it's May now, it HAS to start warming up for good now!

Today was Mother's Day, but it was also a sorta bittersweet day, as it was also the 30th anniversary of my father's passing. My mom didn't say too much, but it must've weighed on her mind a lil bit...there's a lot she had to do herself being widowed when she was, raising three kids and all, and now that's she's older living her life without companionship like that...for me...I don't know...I don't really dwell on it, and I suppose you don't truly realize what you might've missed out on but it is something that's always there, wondering how, if at all, my life may have turned differently (no, not related to this) had he not passed away when he did...everyone has some losses to deal with in life, no one gets out unscathed.

"Well now the years have gone and I've grown from that seed you've sown/But I didn't think there'd be so many steps I'd have to learn on my own/Well I was young and I didn't know what to do/When I saw your best steps stolen away from you..."

Snippets from a few recent conversations...

I was chatting w/ a galfriend of mine the other day, she mentioned she'd be shopping for a sundress soon- I can't do them! I'm always self-conscious about wearing anything sleeveless, or even short-sleeved because, to this day, I always feel my shoulders and upper arms are way too, well, big. Not defined in a slim, muscular way, but simply too bulky, from my days when I could bench press a Buick! ;) My forearms have never been all that big, they don't look bad, but when I was younger I did workout in a way much differently than I have over the last few years now. I've had much better luck in getting my legs leaner, but some of my uper body still could use some "leaning"...I have changed my routine quite a bit, including just doing less, and while I'm certainly not getting any larger, I've yet to get as lean thru my upper body as I've been able to thru my legs. (And don't even get me started about my abs...by far my worst body part- grrrrrr!) I do like a lean, fit, athletic look- I don't wanna look scrawny or emaciated, but I still have work to do...(yes, I know HRT would help over time...perhaps this fall...) So yes, Dee, good fer you w/ yer sundress! ;) (She's a honey :)

I had another friend asking me recently why I don't get/go out/have more of a social life, whether it was truly because my schedule seldom permits me to, or if there were other rasons. Sadly, no, there were/are no other reasons. I just literally have had little time to make/create/indulge an active, enjoyable, satisfying social life, in any of my walks of life. Truly, I lead a dull existance. And no, this isn't a pity party, I fully realize that it is largely a creation of my own doing. In much of a way it gets back to what is a perennial theme throughout this blog, my sense of loyalty, of doing my best to honor my commitments, obligations, responsibilities I feel I have. To me, doing "my own thing" following my own bliss, seems to smack of selfishness, of self-centeredness. And I know, it shouldn't. But it does. It is something I have to work harder to overcome...while it is good to be responsible, more and more I've come to believe that life's biggest sorrow is regret for things we haven't done, the passing of time not spent doing at least some of the things, fulfilling some of the hopes, dreams, aspirations, one has. Yes, obviously there are day-to-day cares, concerns, responsibilities that have to be met, but still...to be a slave to them at the expense of one's own dreams...I know so many people, in all of my walks of life, who have been able to balance their obligations to others w/ their obligations to their own happiness. It shouldn't be this difficult for me, and I'm the only one who can begin to change, to rearrange, that very important part of my life.

"Our Doug" is back in town...the Pats signed Doug Flutie as a backup QB. I've never been much of a BC fan (I didn't go there- I turned them down! :) but what a remarkable athlete, and a remarkable career Flutie has had. It'll be a nice symmetry should he retire here...Do-or-die for the Celtics tonite! Tho' if they hafta lose, at least it's to Larry Legend's Pacers...the C's have bene up and down in this series, lost a couple of close ones they really could've/should've taken, but...No more Atlantic 10 Football Conference, it's been absorbed by the CAA, starting- I believe- in 2007. The A-10 was arguably the best 1-AA conference in the country the last several seasons (I know, 1-AA...) I'm still irked that UMass (where I did go to school!) never made enuf effort to move up to 1-A/Bigtime football, especially when the folks down in Storrs (ugh) did...

"Time waits for no one, and it won't wait for me..."

I feel terrible- I KNOW I'm still waaaayyyyyyyy behind on my email! Basically, what it was/is is that last month my mother had been feeling a bit under the weather and as such I had to do more there than usual, taking her to several doctors' appointments, tests, etc...and just doing more errands/stuff for her, etc...She seems to be fine, doesn't appear to be anything major (perhaps just a case of OA- Old Age! She'd kill me if she read that!) but she's usually pretty healthy and feels well, so it was a lil concern, and it has kept me hopping.

So again, my apologies to any and all whom I haven't kept up with in as timely a manner as I should and would have liked. I should catch up on all soon- thanks for your patience.

"Time is on my side, yes it is..."