As anyone who has read this blog over time (and if you have, you probably really need to get out more often!) may have noticed, I don't tend to do New Years resolutions. This is for a few reasons- first, they're just something I've never really done, I've never really said "I am going to accomplish X in the year Y." Also, one never knows the exigencies of what may occur throughout any given year, thereby making many resolutions that are beyond one's immediate control ("I wanna lose X pounds," "I wanna run a half-marathon," etc...and even these can be waylaid by unforseen things- illness, injury, and the like) at best goals or aspirations rather than set-in-stone things that will be achieved. At least, this is how I've generally perceived resolutions and such. However, I've also come to the realization that, for far too long now, in far too many ways, too many areas of my life, I've just been drifting, far too unfocused and undisciplined, not exerting nearly enough determination, and effort, to move my life forward, from where I am (and where I've been, for too many years now) to where I would rather be. For so long now I've just remained in my comfort zone, unable or unwilling to truly make the efforts to extend and expand myself, my options, my horizons, further, doing what is comfortable or easy or expected or safe rather than making- and taking- some calculated, and even uncalculated, chances and risks. Some of it may be my "traditionalist" mindset; I dunno... but what might called over-cautiousness, excessive risk-averseness, a too-comfortable comfort zone, fear, or even laziness, extends to virtually all aspects of my life- be it work and finances, relationships with family and long-time friends, any dating/love life, how I spend my free time, even my diet and fitness regimens.
One thing I need to overcome is what might be called reticience. This is different from shyness; while I'd also like to be a bit more outgoing than perhaps I am, I'm not especially shy. But reticience...I'm not the kind of person who is especially comfortable drawing excessive attention to myself. I've tended to view that as bragging, or being arrogant, and I've believed that the efforts one makes will be recognized by their own merits and value, rather than drawing excessive attention to them, tooting one's own horn as it were. (I'll joke with friends about how "great" I am, but that's all it is, just joking, and they and I know that.) This reticience extends to most aspects of my life; increasingly I'm seeing that, taken to extreme, it is getting me nowhere, no closer to any of my goals, aspirations, dreams, and also at times making me increasingly angry and bitter and resentful, that my efforts are not being recognized or sufficiently "paying off" as well as seeing others, many of whom make/extend no greater efforts, but do- what?- promote those efforts more effectively, seem to reap the benefits and rewards of their efforts. I have to recognize that there is a difference between seeking legitimate attention and recognition vs. shameless self-promotion, that the former can be a catalyst for good while the latter is crass.
Another thing I need to work on overcoming is what I might call a lack of focus. Too often I have a bad tendency to let the immediate obscure the longer-term; I let myself get too caught up in the day-to-day, not even so much "living in the moment" as simply keeping my head above water 'in the moment'. While tending to the immediate, daily things that demand/deserve tending to, I have to work more diligently on not becoming too overwhelmed, too caught up in them that I lose focus on just why I am doing those things in the first place, what the larger goal or reason is. They in and of themselves are not the goal, but rather, stepping stones or means for moving toward my goals.
(There are probably close to a half-dozen other "things" I need to work on as well! But these two come especially to mind.)
Which probably brings this full circle toward resolutions. What are my goals? Immediate, short-term, medium-term, long-term? Hmmm... The easiest, both to keep and achieve, is weight-wise! While I've kept up my running and gym workouts fairly well over the Thanksgiving-to-New Years stretch, I have- and can- do better. Much better. But moreso, I have to recommit myself to my healthy eating regimen. I've put on a few pounds over the holidays, almost all due to not staying strict enuf in my eating habits. Short-term, I want to get back to, ahem, welterweight status by my birthday (January 22...and I'll be expecting gifts!) With proper focus, diligence, and effort, I can do that. But moreso, I need to maintain the focus and discipline to stay there; too often I let my weight fluctuate too much, mostly due to a lack of discipline and consistency. And I admit- I wanna look good! I want to present an athletic, fit, but trim figure! (Plus weighing less consistently enables me to see better results training that worst part of my figure, my abs!) Relationships-wise, this is also something largely within my control. While on balance I believe I do a pretty good job, there are a few relationships in my life that I haven't given adequate attention to, good people whom, tho' not intentionally, I have neglected to a degree. I hope to repair, rebuild, and strengthen as many of those relationships as I possibly can. Conversely, there are a few relationships that I need to re-examine and re-prioritize, a few people to whom I have tried to extend myself and be there for (which I don't mind doing) but who, time and time and time again, have extended little in the way of reciprocity, in pro-active interest and concern for me and my life. Some already know who they are, others will discover over time. These are some of the easier things for me to impact and improve because they are are all largely within my ability to affect positive change.
Where I tend to run into difficulty is trying to improve/change things beyond my immediate control. I know so many people, from all of my walks of life, who have been, and are, able to make their goals, dreams, and aspirations- some very ambitious, daunting, and life altering- come to fruition. They seem able to overcome constraints and roadblocks, whereas too often I have a tendency to be stopped by them. There are many things I wish to accomplish, many things in my life I want to be doing rather than what I currently am, but I seem unable to figure out just how to start on the road to doing so. It's not the prospect of difficulty and hard work that daunts me but rather not knowing where or how to start toward those goals and the fear of wasting time, effort, energy, and resources on the wrong track/s. The biggest one of these is career-wise; I cannot stand the direction I'm going, but I lack the confidence to break out of this comfort zone and embark on something more rewarding and fulfilling...and freeing. Right now I don't even have a firm idea of what that "other" might or could be; a part of that "focus" thing that I currently lack I suppose... I know that I'd like to be doing something more free-lance or independent. Obviously, money and security are important, but freedom, heck, simply freer time, as well as doing something that I find interesting, fulfilling, rewarding, stimulating, and something that I feel comfortable and confident doing, that utilizes and engages my talents and abilities, these are important, too. I need to make some serious changes here in the coming year. I'm not really sure what, or how, to do so yet. But...
And one other thing I really need to move forward on again is "this." It's sad- about, gosh, almost four years ago now, I was beginning to make some significant strides toward advancing my transgenderism, I was getting close to a point where I could really begin to envision this finally becoming the fuller-time/real-time presence in my life that, honestly, I've hoped for since I was maybe 5 or 6, and from there move forward more. But then I hit a bit of a rough stretch, mostly financially (and most of that due to my mistakes and screw-ups) that not only made $$$ tighter but also took quite a bit of the wind out of my sails. And I've made little progress since. That has to change. I'm not sure exactly how I will move that more forward yet (finances and employment situation will play an important role.) But...
Come the end of 2007, I really need to have- at long last- made some significant, lasting strides toward creating the life, the future, that I want to have. It's the specifics toward that end that I need to determine.
"Please don't tell me how the story ends..."
