It is still March! Yikes, and there's still a day+ to go! I've often said it, but t's true; March is the l-o-n-g-e-s-t month of the year, 31 days that feel like 50, especially around here. Everyone expects January, and February, to be wintry. March always holds out the promise of being better, warmer, nicer, but sooooooo seldom delivers, and after two months of winter, it just seems to drag on... and on... and on... This time of year I really wished I lived somewhere sunny and warm- Las Vegas, here I come (I wish!)

I saw this on HBO On Demand the other night. He's lost a bit off of his fastball, but George Carlin still delivers! The old fuck (his words!) is still funny as all hell, skewering the moralizers and the politically correct (they're actually one and the same when you think about, self-annointed/self-appointed do-gooders trying to run our lives) and just about any and every one and every thing else, with abandon. (And the man knows how to swear! Some people, including comedians, you hear them swear and it sounds phony or contrived. With Carlin, it sounds like poetry!)

Carlin brings me to atheists; seems to me many of 'em spend a lot of time obsessing over someone (Someone?) or something (Something?) that they claim does not exist. You don't believe? Great- I have no problem with that. (More room in heaven for the rest of us! Jes' kiddin'!) But some of these folks wear their non-belief on their sleeves and seem to- dare I say it?- evangelize their non-faith in a way often indistinguishable from their theistic counterparts. You could say I'm a practicing Catholic (Lord knows I need the practice!); I do believe in a Supernatural Being or Power, and that the Bible imparts a valuable revealing of that Being. And I have no problem with people referencing their faith (or non-faith) as a conversation or observation or such may progress. But I'm also not big on Bible-thumpers or proselytizers; if I don't like 'em for my own faith, I sure as heck don't care for others bashing faith! So to you evangelical atheists- lighten up! (And don't even get me started on this whole "Brights" business, a "cringe-making proposal that atheists should conceitedly nominate themselves to be called 'brights'", in the words of- atheist, BTW- Christopher Hitchens.)

It's difficult to feel sad listening to The Beach Boys (note: The Beach Boys are a music group that formed sometime after Rosemary Clooney sang)... Maine has a lot of very good craft brewers (sipping on a Shipyard Export Ale at the moment)... There is a huge difference between being alone, and being lonely...

"I can hear music/I can hear music/The sound of the city, baby, seems to disappear..."

For those who think I'm too serious...

Golfing Accident
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could help relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel now?"

He replied:"It feels great ma'am, but I still think my thumb's broken."

First- time for a perennial vent... There remain a handful of acquantainces who still don't quite seem able to grasp the idea of what friendship is- or ought to be- about. I have one friend- and I do consider him a friend- a very intelligent, eloquent man. We don't necessarily see eye-to-eye on certain issues. And that's OK; I've never been one to limit any of my friendships, relationships, acquaintances, etc... to those who think or agree with me on every thing. Frequently he'll send me articles, items, etc... that make the case for his POV. At times they nettle, but I enjoy a good give-and-take. My problem is that increasingly he has nothing to ask/say, etc... about me! And I always make the effort to ask about him and his life, and he'll tell me... but for too long now, little-to-no interest toward me, my life, other/mutual interests we share, simply commentary after commentary about those issues where we disagree... I have another friend. I like this person; he/she is a crossdresser, someone who I had/have grown to like in either persona. And someone who struggles with a lot of issues hardly limited to his/her crossdressing. And I offer support and understanding, empathy, sympathy, as applicable, suggestions for helping to deal with various difficulties, and perhaps most importantly, simply an interested ear. And I don't mind. But this person, despite my several/serial entreaties to- occasionally- extend some pro-active interest toward me, my life, inquire as to how I'm doing, just refuses to extend the basic courtesy to do so. Time after time after time. Even as I'm sure he/she does toward others. And I've recently become acquainted with one more person who, it seems, becomes very impatient if I don't respond to her email after a couple of days (or in the manner in which she'd wish.) Even as I've explained that time is- too often- at a premium for me. And even as most of her notes seldom extend that give-and-take that is soooooo important for friendships, relationships, to grow and thrive. Now, before you all think I'm a mean b*tch; I've always been more than willing to extend myself toward others as time and circumstances allow. I take a real and abiding interest in those I like, care about, love. And I make allowances for others' quirks, difficulties, etc... And it needn't be a carefully measured 50-50 proposition. But at some point I do expect some measure of reciprocity, especially when I've brought this- serially- to others' attention! As I mention here, one of my biggest dislikes is/are self-centered people. Ultimately the reason these stand out is because they make up only a relative handful of the people in my life. Overall, I've been very fortunate- blessed, really- to have been surrounded with and by good people, good, solid, caring (and fun!) people, in all of my walks of life, whether real life or, simply due to distance, via correspondance, folks from Alaska to California to Arizona to overseas and to many points in-between, and of course, folks locally. It is because of these many good folks (and I hope you know who you are!) that the few who at times test me (and if you think this is you, remember; if I really didn't value/like/care for or about you, I'd have blown you off l-o-n-g ago... I'm no masochist or martyr!) stand out and vex me.

Anyway, onward and upward... How are any of you doing in your for-entertainment-purposes-only college hoops brackets?! A fair amount of upsets so far; only a couple were bracket busters for me (UConn, grrrrr... figures; that's what a UMass gal gets for having to root for the Storrs Sleddogs!) Fortunately (as of this am) all of my Final Four are still in play: North Carolina, Georgetown, Texas, UCLA (I have UCLA beating Carolina for the championship.) And we can't have Tennessee win it all; their coach is originally from... Sharon (yes, I need to grow up!) I've had a pretty good (very good, actually) run vs. the line this month, and am well up for the season; may it continue (Kellie needs a new spring wardrobe! ;)
Addendum, 7:30pm: @$%&ing Georgetown!!! (Davidson 74-70 Georgetown.)

In an earlier post I had mentioned frustration, and above I mention how I'm often pressed for time. The last couple of weeks had/have been even moreso. My mom had had a health scare. The outcome is, thankfully, fine, she's OK. But there were several trips to the doctor, tests, as well as simply doing a bit more than usual with and for her. And I don't mind; I've always gotten along great with my mom, doing things for and with her is never a problem. I do have a brother and sister who, for various reasons, are unable/unwilling to pick up some of the slack toward our mother (distance is part of it, also, they're both married, I'm not.) And I've brought up to them on a few occassions how it would help for them to try and do a lil more, but often that's fallen on deaf (or busy) ears. Some of you folks referenced earlier could have extended some support/empathy/understanding toward me re. this... if you had taken the initiative to inquire, to reciprocate the pro-active interest I've taken toward you. But alas... Bottomline, she should be fine. But she is getting older...

Easter. I realize not everyone reading this is Christian, or a person of any faith. But the message, the promise, of Easter is one of hope, perhaps the biggest hope of all, of life over death, ultimate renewal. It may just be that the celebration of Easter coincides with the arrival/beginning of spring each year, but together they make a great metaphor for that renewal, for life overcoming death... And I'll be enjoying a great Easter dinner alter topday at my mom's- yummy spring lamb and all the trimmings!

"The real battle just begun/To claim the victory Jesus won..."

It's Five O'clock Somewhere- Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett

The sun is hot and that old clock is movin' slow,
And so am I.
Work day passes like molasses in wintertime,
But it's July.
I'm gettin' paid by the hour, and older by the minute,
My boss just pushed me over the limit.
I'd like to call him somethin',
I think I'll just call it a day.

Pour me somethin' tall and strong,
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care,
It's five o'clock somewhere.

Oh, this lunch break is gonna take all afternoon,
And half the night.
Tomorrow mornin', I know there'll be hell to pay,
Hey, but that's all right.
I ain't had a day off now in over a year,
Our Jamaican vacation's gonna start right here.
Hit the phones for me,
You can tell 'em I just sailed away.

And pour me somethin' tall an' strong,
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care,
It's five o'clock somewhere.

I could pay off my tab, pour myself in a cab,
And be back to work before two.
At a moment like this, I can't help but wonder,
What would Jimmy Buffett do?

Funny you should ask that because I'd say:
Pour me somethin' tall and strong,
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane.
It's only half-past twelve but I don't care,
It's five o'clock somewhere.

Frustration.

I am very, very, v-e-ry- VERY frustrated. In just about every apsect of my life. I seldom write too often on this personal a level but there are a lot/too many things which have been building up and building up, seemingly without any relief, that I have the need to express. (Who knows, I may delete this entry.) Ultimately they are all financially-related. No, it's not that I have creditors or bill-collectors hounding me or anything like that; I am quite (too?) responsible with my finances, seldom-if-ever spending beyond my means. (The- very few- "vices" I indulge I do so responsibly; I have no addictions, I seldom drink to excess, when gaming losses exceed winnings I pull back.) I'm just not getting ahead. At all. Not even close. I'm just treading water. And none of this has to do with any larger economy issues; it's all been me, the choices I've made (or not made.) I'm not doing remotely what I had thought or hoped, living the way I had thought or hoped, I would be at this point in my life. Not even close. Gender-wise (and that's the reason any of you read this) after a- in hindsight- brief period of moving forward with "this" I've been stuck in neutral for, damn, several years now. Years. I hate writing that. I had hoped to have made considerable progress; I've seen soooo many people do so. Instead that seems to have been in a holding pattern too, or worse, regression; lately I'm starting to see every $%^&ing line, wrinkle, bag, sag, what have you in my face, despite the efforts I make at maintaining a good facial beauty regimen, looking- and even feeling- my age, and then some. Ugh. (That admission probably just turned a bunch of men away!) So many things I'd have liked to have been able to afford to create/maintain/improve my feminine apprearance; laser hair removal, 'mone therapy (forget the boobies; simply to have softer skin and fuller hair, more femme body distribution, as well as any mental/emotional effects) minor facial work (Botox, dermabrasion, something to minimize the tired-look around my eyes.) Again, all because I have not been able to create the financial means to do these things. Sometimes I'm reminded of the words of Paul to the Corinthians: "time to put away childish things."

Frustration. It's increasingly affecting all I do/try to do. I've been FAR too short-tempered recently (and that's saying something, as some of you who know me may know!) FAR too irritiable. Losing my patience, and even my focus, far too easily, far too quickly. Even something as simple as eating right/running/working out. I know those things are good for me, I know I feel better when I maintain them consistently, I know I look- a little!- better when I do so, but of late I've had a very hard time maintianing them with the level of consistency needed. (Yeah, I can "blame" it on the weather, lack of time, stress, whatever; bottomline, it's all on me. I simply haven't felt like doing them consistently.) Part of it is how I deal with stress; some people smoke or drink or drug, some gamble, some work out like a fiend, some seek out promiscuous sex. I tend to eat. This is even more bothersome to me because, several years ago, I weighed considerably more than I do now, I had put on a lot of weight over the course of several years; it took a lot of effort to get back into shape, and I dread reverting. But moreso, I just feel off. Not to sound too metaphysical or New-Agey or anything, but I feel as if I'm increasingly out of sync, out of the flow; with myself, my surroundings, my commitments and obligations, my life, as if everything is a greater effort, struggle, or chore than it has been/should be.

Frsutration. I've been becoming increasingly- what?- isolated? Again, due to my lack of much discretionary $$$ and trying to be responsible with what I do have (as well as the time spent working to simply maintain those) any social life has suffered immensely. I've lost sooooooooo many good, vital, important friendships- in all of my walks of life- simply because I haven't possessed the mean$ and the time to maintain them. I don't blame any of those (you?) folks one bit; it's all been me. not intentionally, not purposefully, but simply because I've been trying to do what is responsible at the expense of what would be preferable.

I'm not looking for any sympathy or advice. This is all a product of my own creation. I just feel increasingly trapped and frustrated by the choices and decisions and priorities I have chosen; doing what should be the "right" things hasn't done all that right by me lately. I feel as if things are slipping away. And that is troubling because I've usually tended to be a fairly optimistic person. The fact that, yes, roughly 6 billion people in this world would give much to change places with me doesn't make the fact that, compared with the 100 or so people I know my life is frustratingly inferior to theirs in seemingly every way. And I don't mean that the way it sounds; it's not competition, it's not envy, it's not "why does friend A get to have a $500,000 home and I don't?" or "why does friend B get to have an active social life and I don't?" or "why does friend C get to have a fulfilling career and I don't?" It's not that. Obviously those people have made the choices and decisions and such to get them to those respective places, and I'm happy for their happiness and successes. It's just incredible frustration over the fact that I lack them and that I seem unable to figure out how to achieve some semblance of happy balance in my life. It shouldn't be this difficult. And I don't know what I've done or do to make it so. But it is... frustrating.

Sippin' on a dee-lish Berkshire Imperial Stout... (it is- finally!- March, the month of the Patron Saint of the land o' stout...)

Nothing terribly earth-shaking tonight... Found myself with a lil time that afforded me the chance to go out for a lil while last nite, was fun :)

Didya ever have a song that evokes a certain time or place? One that always does that for me is Turn The Page by Bob Seger. My first two years of college it seemed as if everytime I'd make that roughly two-hour late afternoon/early evening trip up and down the Mass Pike and 495 travelling back and forth from college- Thanksgiving, Christmas break, Easter- to home I'd hear it at least twice, every trip. Go figure. Whenever I hear it today it brings me back...

My friend Jim frequently send me some thoughtfully funny notes. Here's one:
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don' t eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Good, we're done. (Note: I don't know about this one!)
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water!
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee , half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole!
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

I've still been on my kick reading up on- and attempting to apply- becoming more adept at improving my intuition, my perception and recognition of probabilites, risk, and the like... It's an interesting topic, one which, admittedly, I'd never given all that much thought to. I have a few reasons for seeking to improve my abilites in those departments; it's not that I allow or am taken adavantage of, nor that I'm especially gullible. Rather, I seek to become more decisive, better at- quickly- analysing and acting upon information, opportunities, etc... making quicker, and better, decisions, choices...

"And you don't feel much like riding/You just wish the trip was through..."