Transgender stuff...
I realize I don't blog all that often on specifically transgender stuff. Why? Hmmm... several reasons I suppose. First and foremost, I don't consider myself any sort of "spokeswoman" for things TG; "the views expressed are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Transgender Community or of any individual Transgender." And just as much, I don't view things solely thru the prism or paradigm of transgenderism, relating or narrowing everything to that one aspect; life is much larger than that! (The same can be said for viewing things solely thru one's: race, religion, politics, sexuality, whatever.) While I don't blog often on specifically TG stuff, I do read others' blogs, journals, etc... as time (and interest!) permit; many are quite well-written. The ones I enjoy the most are those that express the author's views and perspectives and musings and experiences on a broad range of topics, events, conditions, from the mundane to the sublime and everything in-between, TG-related or not. Others I read and, while they are often well-written and, frequently, informative, they lack much in the way of lightness, of mirth, they speak of a life- and a life view- that is dominated by that big
T that overshadows- overwhelms?- every aspect of their existance. I don't write this to criticize, simply to state what I see. I have a difficult time doing that here, whether it is opining on injustices large and small perpetrated upon (and occasionally by) transgender individuals, or my own- I don't wanna say "struggle" because honestly it is not one-
journey, for lack of a less-trite word. But I'll break with that some this evening...
I'm not especially involved in the T "community," local or cyber. I have several T-friends, and many more acquaintances, local and cyber. I enjoy and have fun going out/doing things
en femme, and I'm- fairly!- comfortable and confident doing so (Lord, just allow me
much more time to do so!) But more often than not I'm sort of a lone wolf kinda gal. Maybe this comes off as standoffish; I hope not. That's certainly not my intent. But I know what I wanna do, where I wanna do it, and when. And sometimes... I dunno... and this can just as easily be applied to me by others... but if the
sole reason for hanging with someone is because we're transgender; if, were we to meet under any other circumstances we probably wouldn't have
anything in common... I dunno... that can be difficult. And limiting. Again- others could apply this to me just as easily... As often as not (and maybe it's the "man" in me; um, perhaps I oughtta rephrase
that!) I enjoy time spent- be it on a date or simply hanging out- with "admirers" (I said it years ago; we
really need a better term for men who enjoy knowing/seeing/dating T-women, "admirer"- or worse, "tranny chaser!" ack!- just sounds sleazy!) While there are some men who are jerks, too often it seems all the guys who seek to know "us" get lumped in with the bottom-feeders. That's seldom been my experience, and it's not fair... As I mentioned above, I'm not an "advocate" for the T-community. I applaud- most of- those who are; whether I agree with their views, tactics, etc... or not, they are out there willing to put it on the line in a way in which I do not. I- mostly- respect their activism. But by the same token, they do not necessarily speak for me. And I wouldn't, and don't, deign to speak for others.
I had a friend recently suggest that I'm in a rut, in many aspects of my life, especially re. my transgenderism; where I am, where I'm going, where I want/need to go. She's known me for more than a few years now, so I respect and value her opinion. Bluntly: she's correct. I hadn't intended to, but as she told me this and I reflected upon it, she's right. I've made little real progress over the last several years now. Why? I don't know... I suppose deep down I
know what and where I need to go with this, but I admit I have more than a bit of fear. (I realize "fear" might not be something many of you associate with me.) Fear of: making a mistake, making the "wrong" decision? Some I suppose... but more- indeed, most- fear of: hurting/alienating/losing those I care for and about. I know, I know, some folks will say: "If they really love you Kellie, they'll accept you for who and what you are." Sounds easy. Sounds simple. Life isn't always easy and simple. I realize this is something most folks who have taken this further have had to deal with. I marvel at their courage and/or their willingness to risk losing so much. For me, being a good and loyal child/sibling/friend is a vital part of who I am as a person, just as much as being transgender is; I couldn't just as easily abandon one as the other. But as I'm getting- waaahhhh!- older, there is increasingly a sense of urgency to all of this.
I admit; sometimes I
do wonder where I'm going with "this." As I said, I do enjoy time spent this way, living this way, it feels comfortable, and just as much, it's
fun! (Sometimes folks get sooooo caught up in the "why am I this way/what does it all mean?" thing that they forget that this is supposed to be... fun!) But I don't- yet- live fulltime. I do have priorities, "deadlines and commitments" (to quote Bob Seger!) that I have to honor, en drab. And there are times when I "have" to see old friends, etc... en drab and I can still have fun/enjoy myself in
that role. But my appearance is different from what it was, certainly, many years ago, and even from what it was a few years ago.
Far closer to the idealized femme appearance that I've sought (femininely athletic, think: born to play field hockey!) For the most part this is good. But on occasion it can be a little unsettling. I got my hair cut last Thursday; it had been the longest I've had it in a l-o-n-g time. (It's still a feminine cut, just shorter... but it'll grow!) In part I got it done because at it's previous length it was sometimes a lil unsettling; getting "ma'amed" at inopportune times (I have no illusions re. my "beauty;" rather, at 5'6", athletic but hardly huge, and with longer/feminine-cut and styled hair, a quick glance is probably going to register "ma'am" more than "sir" if I'm dressed casually) or catching my reflexion in a mirror at the gym or in a window somewhere and seeing a woman looking back at me; again, while
not en femme. Gratifying later, but slightly unsettling when not expected. (Tho' certainly better than the alternative, being "sir'd" if en femme!) And conversely, looking too femme "with old friends of mine" (to quote Jerry Jeff Walker!)... that's something I still hafta come to better terms with, being ever more comfortable with myself appearing feminine, even when I'm not particularly "trying." (Admittedly, outside of 'mones, I do a lot to try to maintain a consistent femme appearance; femme-styled hair, eyebrows tweezed and shaped, neat and shaped nails, smooth body, legs, etc... good beauty regimen, try to maintain a fit and toned body.) And yet, there's still that
something (beyond $$$) that, so far, keeps me from taking it that next step.
Is this enuf T-stuff for one posting?!
"It's down to me/The difference in the clothes she wears/Down to me/The change has come/She's under my thumb..."
