Wild Horses- Rolling Stones

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after we die

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day.

Tom who?! Patriots 19-10 Jets (Even sweeter to do it vs. the Jersey Jets! But I would still like #12 at the helm...)

Basking in the glow of a profitable (6-0, incl. my Pats as a 1.5 'dog) NFL $unday; been eyeballing a few fall fashion purchases, this week will make a couple of 'em happen (admit it- how many other folks do you know who can combine football wagering and fashion so seamlessly?! She's a walking contradiction... ) It's the proverbial marathon, not a sprint, but still...

I do have some weightier thoughts, and I also have mucho email to catch up on, but tonite I'm gonna relax...

10 more on shuffle...
I'll Say I'm Sorry Now- Shawn Colvin
Hard Luck Woman- Kiss
The Tide Is High- Blondie
At Last- Neko Case
Any Old Wind That Blows- Johnny Cash
Rock & Roll- Lou Reed
Mercy- Duffy
Round And Round- Aerosmith (Toys in the Attic is a great rock disc!)
Fool for You- Rod Stewart
Shake That Devil- Joan Osborne

"You'll be a hard luck woman/Baby 'til you find your man..."

I hadda take my mom to have some surgery done on her other eye yesterday (hafta take her for a post-op check-up tomorrow was well.) Afterward I took a drive to/thru where I grew up, hadn't really spent a lotta time there in quite awhile... much of it has changed dramatically, a lot of new construction, particularly commerical buildings and such, either new, or replacing older ones... Surprisingly, the McDonalds we went to in high school was boarded up and closed- when does a McDonalds ever close down?! And I didn't even recognize my high school, they've done so much renovation, expansion, etc... to it. Drove by the house I grew up in (looked much the same), as well as those of several of my relatives (didn't feel like stopping in to say hi, assuming anyone was home; not sure why) and those of parents of several of my friends, as well as a few friends who still live there... Stopped by the park where I just about grew up- it still looked pretty much the same! Wished I'd have brought my basketball! Drove by the power-lines, the place I had my first job, the library, and by our church... Stopped by and visited my father's grave for a bit; I can't remember the last time I had... I was struck by even just a quick, cursory glance and stroll around the cemetary how many folks I recognized buried there; relatives, friends and people I went to school with, former neighbors, and more, even after not having lived there in about 18 years nor even visiting/spending much time there in a l-o-n-g time... All in all, a bit wistful. You may not be able to go home again, but neither can you easily dismiss home; the memories, good and not-so-good, will remain, even if the scenery changes.

"Just a small town girl..."

I had someone recently ask me why I don't blog more on T-related issues, items, etc... First, on occasion I do, if and when I find or have something relevant to share. But moreso, I just don't find myself often thinking of things in "T" terms, seeing virtually everything thru the prism of transgenderism. Maybe I'm just that comfortable or secure with who and how I am, maybe I'm not sufficiently activist or aware, but to me, to my mindset, viewing things thru or via the "T" mindset or perspective (whatever that might be!) occurs to me little more than viewing things thru a white mindset or perspective (full disclosure: for those who haven't viewed my pics, I'm not only transgender, but also, to use pc-speak, European-American.) Perhaps that's because, apart from race (and genetic/chromosomal gender- no matter how many hormones and how many surgeries we might undergo to create a physical appearance congruent with our mental and emotional makeup, apart from those physically intersexed, we'll still be XY) whatever it is that creates the mental and emotional wiring that affects gender- and sexual- identity is so deep and embedded, it is so at the core that, at least to me, it is similar to being white; I rarely wonder why I am so, ponder the ramifications of being so, etc... There are many other things that we can choose, and change, in our lives- our religion, our politics, our jobs, our interests and hobbies, Red Sox or Yankees, Tastes Great or Less Filling! They are things we can alter, things we can grow in, things that can be open to debate and change hence, at least to me, they often seem more interesting topics than something as seemingly immutable as race or, in the present case, gender identity.

Sometimes I get tired of making the effort to reach out to and engage people who lack the courtesy to reciprocate that interest, or simply to reply. I can think of four people at this moment who qualify. Interestingly, three of these four are trans people of various stripes; so much for embracing that caring, nurturing, feminine mindset! I find it odd, and a little maddening, in a couple of ways; first, I'm hardly a clingy person, and am seldom over-bearing. I have always believed that friendships are two-way, give-and-take relationships, taking an interest in the lives and well-beings of one another as time permits; I've always endeavored to do so, and all I've ever expected is some level of reciprocity. And I'm often willing to give friends several benefits of doubt. Those would seem to be traits shared moreso by folks who purport to be in touch or in tune with their softer, more caring, more feminine sides, their femininity; I've never considered caring to be a weakness. But perhaps that feminine side thing is over-rated, as it more often seems that my male friends, be they the so-called admirers, or long-time friends from my "other" life, exhibit and extend that reciprocity of friendship freely and easily vs. several of the trans friends/folks I know. The reasons the 3-4 folks referenced above stand out are two: one, because I did and do like and care for and about them, and two, because they- or their behavior- are the exceptions amongst folks I consider friends. Perhaps this gets back to my above comments re. viewing things thru a "T" prism, in that perhaps there shouldn't be the expectation of "T" folks to exhibit more caring or nurturing, or simply courteous, behavior simply because they are trans. Just an observation...

Now, about Tom Brady's knee...

"I can't use what I can't abuse/And I can't stop when it comes to you..."

"A ship in harbor is safe but that's not why the ship is built."

A thought that I'm sure has been uttered before, but most recently by GOP VP nominee Sarah Palin. For those who possess the capacity to do so, remove your partisan and/or ideological blinders, remove politics, and ponder the far broader meaning of that thought. It's a simple yet intriguing observation. How do we play our lives? What were/are we built for, created for, what do we exist for? To play everything safe, to stay safe and secure in our comfort zones, our harbors? Or to set out on the raucous seas of life, of living, to test, to see how well the ship that is ourselves holds up against the challenges that we were and are created to face?

A lil introspective this evening...

Didya ever hear a song and then can't get it out of your head? I'm not a huge fan of Styx, but I heard this one on the local classic rock station and haven't been able to get it out of my mind; apart from the tune, it kinda gets at a few things that have been gnawing at me for awhile now.

Suite Madame Blue, Styx
Time after time I sit and I wait for your call
I know I'm a fool but why can I say
Whatever the price I'll pay for you, Madame Blue.
Once long ago, a word from your lips and the world turned around
But somehow you've changed, you're so far away
I long for the past and dream of the days with you, Madame Blue.

Suite Madame Blue, gaze in your looking glass
You're not a child anymore
Suite Madame Blue, the future is all but past
Dressed in your jewels, you made your own rules
You conquered the world and more ..............heaven's door.

America...America...America...America...
America...America...America...America...
America...America...America...America...

Red white and blue, gaze in your looking glass
You're not a child anymore
Red, white, and blue, the future is all but past
So lift up your heart, make a new start
And lead us away from here.

Anyone who has read my thoughts for awhile has a good idea of my political leanings. Yet I'd be lying if I didn't say that I've felt and feel more than a bit of- what?- disappointment over the course and direction of my nation these last several years. I try to wrap myself around it... it has less to do with ideology or partisanship than it does... something. Something just hasn't felt right, for awhile now. Again, I can't blame it on party or ideology- rabid partisans aside, America walked tall, strong, and confident, we had it, under Presidents both Reagan and Clinton. Similarly, we experienced malaise under Presidents both Ford and Carter. It's not simply a Republican vs. Democrat/conservative vs. liberal thing. And I don't believe there was/is any mal-intent in current President Bush's heart, nor simply or solely choices or decisions he and his administration could have made differently- even Reagan and Clinton made mistakes, misjudgments on occasion. Some if it is the hyper-partisanship of our day, the sheer seeming dislike, distrust, and eventually demonization of one's political opponents; the days of Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill sharing a beer or three at the end of a day seem far away. This bitterness is reflected beyond Capitol Hill; Red State vs. Blue State, believers vs. non-believers, Bill O'Reilly vs. Keith Olbermann, you name it. Too often too many assume that only "our" side (whichever side you're on) loves and supports our country and it's ideals; those who differ don't merely disagree but despise our country and it's ideals- just as I finished this I visited a trans site and found one gal had opined: "I've been working with the Obama campaign fighting the forces of darkness." Forces of darkness. It's mindless intolerance such as that that is to blame as much as anything- why not just state your support of Obama, why engage in the negativity?

I'm rambling with this, I realize. And I'm not naive; I know there are issues people feel strongly about, and there are those who would seek to exploit those passions. I know a lot of people have invested a lot of hope (and more than a little hype) in Barack Obama's candidacy and campaign; I almost wish I could. Obviously much of his rhetoric is an appeal to our higher national ideas and ideals; somewhat like Ronald Reagan did almost 30 years ago, to use the words of Styx above: So lift up your heart, make a new start/And lead us away from here. But the means he would take to do so I just cannot endorse. And John McCain; I'd like to see and hear a lot more Ronald Reagan (and for that matter Barry Goldwater) and a lot less George W. Bush and contemporary Republicanism.

I guess I long for the past...