Random musings...
I often have people tell me that I don't say a whole lot about me here. I offer my opinions, my POVs, offer amusing (to me, anyway!) anecdotes and stories and such, but not all that much about me personally. I suppose that's true. While I don't mind talking about myself, by nature I've always been more of a play-it-close-to-the-vest kinda gal, one friend telling me "You are also the one I would want to play poker with my money..." (I suggested sports wagering would be more apropos!) I'm not especially a self-promoter. And while sometimes I can be a bit introspective, seldom am I- too!- self-obsessed. But having said that...
Occasionally I have people asking about my sex life. Curiously, this, um, comes as often from T-folks as it does from men, for whatever that's worth. I'm neither a prude nor inhibited, tho' I do find it a topic for more of a one-on-one conversation than a blogging. But that's just me. I've read several blogs that leave little-to-nothing to the imagination when it comes to the bloggers' sexual interests, proclivities, exploits, etc... But truth be told, there's not a whole lot to tell! No, not
that way, but rather- leave aside the whole transgender aspect of it (work with me, people!) but- with the exception of one fantasy involving the song
Stairway To Heaven !- my sex life is pretty conventional, vanilla, you name it. I enjoy sex with the right partner, I believe I give as good as I get (I haven't had any complaints... yet!) and am energetic and enthusiastic. But neither am I promiscuous, nor am I into anything in the strange range. I'm not passing judgment on others, but for me sex with the right guy is fun enuf as is... I sure hope that didn't steam up your monitor (yeah, right!)
On my
website I list some of
my worst traits: one that I would add to it, and probably the one I'm least proud of, is impatience. Far too often I am far too impatient. And sadly this happens more with people I care for and about. I suppose it's probably because I expect the most from them. (I do get impatient with myself as well.) I don't mean to. It is something I still need to work on. I apologize to those who have sometimes suffered my wrath.
In a sorta similar vein, I realize a lotta times I have little good to say about- much- of what passes for the TG "community." Some of that is due to the strong individualist streak in me, some of it is due to the pomposity and arrogance and closed-mindedness exhibited by some community "leaders", and others toward those who do not/will not toe the "correct" line. For those I don't apologize. But one thing I ought to- and I
do try to- make allowance for is the fact that many- not all, but many- T-folks have been more than a little bit of outsiders, shunned by many, not always finding acceptance, missed out on/denied opportunities, those sorts of things, hence they may sometimes act somewhat inappropriately, defensively, lack some conventional social skills and graces, and more. And I
do try to make allowance for those. But sometimes it is difficult for me to relate. While I'd been aware of my transgendered feelings since I was about 5-6 years old (even if I didn't know exactly what to call 'em!) I was always fortunate, or blessed, or simply lucky, to always have had a lot of friends, to always have been in, for lack of a better term, the "in" group or crowd. Maybe that was/is even a reflection upon me. But I never lacked for friends, I was never a loner or an outsider; thru osmosis or whatever, I developed adequate social skills, I liked/like people, many people seemed/seem to like me. I was never quite as sharp on the dating score, but that might've had something to do with the transgenderism lurking inside of me (or else I was an obnoxious drunk chicks didn't dig!) And while I like to believe I wasn't especially arrogant or bullying or conceited- I had many friends who were worse- reflecting back I can think of a few things that make me wince, actions I'm more-than-a-little embarrassed and/or ashamed of, times when my better angels were far away. Whether that was over-compensation for other things, drunken obnoxiousness, or simply being an a**hole, or a combination, none of that excuses it, nor makes me feel less accountable. My point in bringing this up is explaining in some way why sometimes I have difficulty, if not relating simply dealing with some T's who, for whatever reason/s, aren't always the most socially adept or conventional. And I realize; while I certainly appreciated and enjoyed my younger days and friends and all, I don't apologize for
not being an outsider or anything, there was/is a certain trade-off in terms of, well, coming to terms with
this part of myself that the acceptance and conformity I sought and had (and have) kept me from embracing more fully.
Whew!
I should add that my home life and family and all was also pretty conventional and comfortable; middle class small-town suburbia. However... today is the anniversary of my father's passing away. It happened long ago, when I was- what?- 10 I think. I don't tend to dwell on it much, tho' perhaps it's had more impact upon me than I realize. I dunno... it's hard to miss what you didn't have. And I'm older now than he was when he passed away. When I do think about it I think mostly of the impact it must have had- and may still have- upon my mother. Widowed at age 42, with three kids to raise, bills and home to maintain, having to go from stay-at-home mom to full-time work again. It must have been difficult. And she did such a good job. And as she's gotten older, having no husband to share the years with, to grow old with... I mention my mom here from time to time, I admire her sooooo much... For me more than anything else I think his passing simply ended my childhood earlier, I had to mature a lil more quickly than perhaps my- older- brother and sister did. But that was OK... as I told my sister recently, I ended up getting away with a lot more stuff than they did as well! I'd never given it much thought until recently, but it had to have been tough on my father as well. Not simply the pain of illness, but the knowledge that he wouldn't see his children grow (at least down here) that his wife would have to struggle and have to do so much without him, grow old without their shared companionship, whatever hopes and dreams and plans for the future he had of his own (I can only guess.)
To quote the great Phil Elliott (
North Dallas Forty reference!) "I guess that's what you call maturity!"
Heard enuf about me now?! ;)
"Subdivisions/In the basement bars/In the backs of cars/Be cool or be cast out..."
