Apparently I've hurt someone- or at the very least, bitterly disappointed someone- very much. And I can't blame them one bit for being hurt and/or disappointed. Did I want to, did I intend to, did I purposely mean to do so? No. Far from it. This was- is- someone I had grown to care for quite a bit and was really hoping to get to know even better, someone I have considerable affection for. But due to the seemingly unending constraints of my existence- as referenced below, and throughout this journal- I, yet again, ended up disappointing someone who deserved and deserves a lot better. I've mentioned loyalty throughout this journal, how important it is to me, receiving as well as giving. There are some commitments, some situations, some relationships, where I believe I have extended loyalty amply, perhaps even excessively. Sadly it is often from those whom I have demanded the least in reciprocity. Conversely, I've often seemed to demand the most loyalty in/from those to whom I often come up short in my extension of same. I don't know why- we hurt the ones we love/care about the most? I dunno... All I know is that perhaps the only thing that hurts me worse than failing in loyalty is hurting people I truly care for and about, even if unintentionally.

If you're reading this- I'm sorry.

"Lonesome as a love that might have been..."

I have this one posted on my website but it has felt extremely apropos of late. I'll end up missing seeing someone who is up visiting this weekend whom I very much wanted to see and spend a lil time with (sorry, Joe!) because the above seems to be all I do anymore. I realize: no one wants to hear me- or anyone- bitch. And I realize: things could be worse, as they are for too many people. But I'm disappointing a lot of good people, missing out on a lot of good times, large chunks of my time truly seem to have disappeared, all for trying to be responsible to others rather than living a life for me.

"I ain't had a day off now in over a year/My Cape Cod vacation's gonna start right here/Hit the phones for me/You can tell 'em I've just sailed away..."

Trouble, Shawn Colvin

Baby let me set you down
You look so troubled and I think I know
Just when you think you've come around
There you go

Now I know the business of the heart
And it'll get you anyway it can
You need someone to walk with in the dark, well
I'm your man

I go to the trouble like a magnet
That's where I'll be
Trouble is just a place to sing
It's what you need

I swear you look like you're in jail
And all at once you're halfway out the door
One foot dancing, one foot nailed
To the floor

Chasing those circles in the ground
The same old shit is still the same old lie
Just when you think you've got it down
Watch it fly

I go to the trouble like a light
Or like a dare
Trouble is just a friend to me, I know
It'll always be there

It's really hard to make your peace
So give me some credit for the hell I've paid
This world's a blessing and a beast
Everyday

So come on baby let me show you how
The less you know the more I comprehend
You don't have to drag me down
I descend

I go to the trouble and I like it
That's where I'll be
Trouble is just like love, if it's half the way
It's all I can see
And it's just what you need

A bluesy tear-jerker by Rod Stewart and Jeff Beck here.
Hits you where you live...

You can tell I'm troubled when I'm blogging late at night or very early morning...

I understand and appreciate the need for people to maintain some level of discretion in their lives, their activities, their interests, their relationships- at times I do the same. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with a level of prudence, of discretion. Difficulty begins to arise when discretion gives way to inordinate fears. These fears become a problem when they affect how people behave and interact with and toward others. And this problem becomes insulting when these fears preclude people from treating others with respect, or from simply addressing or acknowledging others with whom one has a- yes- somewhat discrete relationship. I have no false illusions about myself but neither do I believe I am an especially unintelligent, uninteresting- or unattractive- individual. At some point these fears become more a reflection upon the insecurities of those holding them than a reflection upon any of my short-comings, real and/or perceived.

If you type the word "loyalty" in the search blog box in the upper left of this blog you would find that you came up with many returns. Perhaps more than any other attribute or trait the one I value the most, extending and receiving, is loyalty. From time-to-time I've had people ask me why I seem so obsessed with not disappointing people from my past by going much further much faster with "this." It is due to the loyalty I feel to and for these people. (It's also the reason I've- usually- been fairly forgiving toward some of you who have sometimes hurt me.) Almost to a person these people have never disappointed me, have never not been there for me when I've truly needed them. I like to believe I have extended the same to them. This isn't to say we've never had disagreements, missed trivial things, etc... But for the important things, the meaningful things, having people I can count on and striving to be someone who can be counted on, good or bad, right or wrong, success or struggle, these are characteristics I value more than any other. In a word- loyalty. And very few things hurt me more than people to whom I've extended myself, extended my loyalty to, lack the character to appreciate and reciprocate those efforts.

I have nothing else I want to say or address regarding this. I'm tired.

"Am I not pretty enough/Is my heart too broken/Do I cry too much/Am I too outspoken/Don't I make you laugh/Should I try it harder/Why do you see right through me..."

Question: how much change is too much to take from the take-a-penny/leave-a-penny dish at stores? I had to stop into CVS this morning to pick up a couple of things and the total came out to $8.08. I had $8 exactly on me (I hadn't gone to the money machine yet.) Is 8 cents too much to take? It strikes me as the upper limit of how much to take without looking like a deadbeat! What say you?

Did you hear? Michael Jackson passed away. (Tongue firmly in cheek.) While I've never been a celebrity-obsessed person, I have no problem with people who are. We all have our individual interests, priorities, etc... But as a culture I believe we lionize so many of these people out of all proportion, especially when they pass. We do it with so many pseudo-celebs, people famous simply for being famous, people we're often supposed to recognize simply by their first name (Paris) or by their dubious fame (Kim Kardashian. Who? Exactly.) At least Billy Mays contributed something! We did it with Lady Di (remember her?) and similarly now with Jackson, their contributions to society or culture notwithstanding. I'm not sure exactly what this says about ourselves, about our priorities as a culture, but I doubt it says something good.

Anyway... A few things I've noticed recently via my HRT: lately I've had a lot of vivid dreams. In the past I've seldom remembered the majority of my dreams but lately they've been quite vivid and memorable upon awakening. The overwhelming majority have involved people from my "other" life; often-but-not always there's been some minor conflict, dissension, or disagreement (almost never involving TGism) often-but-not-always set in the past. Almost always leaving me awakened with a feeling of wistful nostalgia. Perhaps it's my subconscious mind attempting to grapple with issues I tend to avoid in my conscious mind... On a lighter note, lately I've also begun to notice a slight jiggling up top when I run! I'm hardly stacked (and, barring augmentation, never will be, family genetics taking care of that) and I doubt it's very visible to others, but it is a different sensation, to say the least. It is what it is... Speaking of that, this- Belichick’s greatest hits- was a hilarious read! The droll, deadpan, dry-as-toast comments and delivery Belichick offers- no matter the subject!- are classic... Apropos of little, but almost all of my beauty regimen (and no "it's not working" comments!) consists of Neutrogena products... I've been re-watching past episodes of AMC's Mad Men via On Demand (season 3 starts in August.) I'm not sure what it is that I like about the show; it isn't the inferior treatment of women in that time period (early/mid 60's), that's for sure. And it's definately not the compulsive cigarette smoking! Perhaps it's the- what?- more adult glamour of the setting, of the time and place, the fashions, the furnishings, the architecture, even the drinks, that contrasts with the more casual, more youth-oriented culture that has been what I've known. Would I prefer to live back then? Absolutely not. But it is a fascinating world to escape to for an hour at a sitting... These next few months are some of my leanest $$$-wise. I've made no secret of the fact that I augment my earnings via certain legally-fuzzy Internet activities (specifically, online wagering: pro and college football, college basketball) and allocate my winnings (and yes, the past few seasons now I've won more than I've lost) to my monthly budget but toward the end of summer and thru September these start to dwindle (college hoops ends in late March; I don't play NBA or MLB, football winnings won't start to accrue 'til later in September. Yes, thinking positively!) I won't be eating cat food anytime soon, but I will be more frugal!

Somewhere I mentioned in my blog that The Eagles' Hotel California may have been the quintessential 70's song; the quintessential 80's song mite be The Outfield's Your Love. Enjoy!

"I just wanna use your love tonight/I don't wanna lose your love tonight..."

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

Lately I've had more-than-a-few of those kinds of moments (you can read between the lines) but I do consider myself fortunate to have people who- apparently- still care enuf for/about me to try and "pull me back in." I don't mean this in that they- or anyone- is trying to change me or make me behave in a certain manner, live in a certain way (I don't believe they even know about me, this part of me) but rather in still keeping me in the loop as it were even as it is obvious that I'm not exactly the same person I was 10, 15, 20 years ago, in sooooooo many ways. While I don't wish to be chained to my past neither do I wish to deny or abandon it, the many good people I knew and know... Sometimes I wonder what they think of me (if they think of me) in the the way I seem to be leading my life, my appearance, my still-singleness. But we're- almost- all Irish Catholic, so of course we never discuss these kinds of things... It's a difficult balancing act, trying not to disappoint others while also not disappointing myself, one that will probably become even more difficult as more changes occur...

Anyway... off for my run. Happy 4th of July weekend folks!

"I don't know how to do/Any more for you..."