A year-end inventory of sorts...

On balance this wasn't a bad year for me; would have been a pretty good year except the last month or so saw a few things waylay me... On the positive side, I was pretty healthy all year (one- nasty- lil cold back in November being the worst I suffered) No major 'plaints, no significant injuries (tweaked my ankle once or twice running.) For the most part (right now being an exception- GRRRR!) my weight remained pretty constant, pretty good (always an issue with me- I can look at food and gain 5 lbs.) While on occasion I can- and do- feel my age, more often I still feel, physically and emotionally, like I'm in my mid-30's (no comment on my level of maturity- or lack thereof!) I had a few opportunities to meet/re-connect with a few people I hadn't seen in awhile and/or had lost touch with- always a good thing! For the most part I believe I did a good job maintaining, valuing, and cherishing all of my existing relationships, being there for and extending support to them; family, friends, romantic interests, others- I tried my best, anyway. And I made a concerted effort to be- a little!- less opinionated on various issues of the day; at the very least tried to show a lil more consideration for differing POVs from mine. While I can and do take some things seriously, seldom do I take myself too seriously. While hardly wealthy (waaaaahhhhh!) I was able to keep my head above water financially for another year, a not-insignificant accomplishment in the current economy, including easily my most successful year of picking against the $pread; if only I had a larger bankroll! I started to do a bit of creative writing again. Trans-wise I resumed 'mones earlier this year and overall have felt good and been pleased with the results, not only physically but emotionally, with a sense of moving forward, moving closer to what more and more seems my destiny, moving toward where, deep down, I guess I've always known I wanted- needed- to go, even if sometimes it still gives me a bit of pause. On balance I tend to be a glass-half-full kinda gal :)

There still remained many of my long-standing negatives; number one, lack of free time/poor time management. Contributing to my inability to be/do things more spontaneously, see/be there for people more than I did, as well as to more fully pursue other, more fulfilling, interests. I still tend to be too much a creature of habit, and a very conventional person; I'm not, nor have I ever been, a "free spirit." In too many ways I'm too risk averse, play things too safe (odd for a gambler, I know.) Tho' I do work at it, too often I can still be less patient than I know I should be. And I could handle stress better, more healthily, than I sometimes do, instead of too-easily blowing my cool, or resorting to binge eating (at least I don't drown it in excessive drink, and I don't smoke, drug, nor engage in promiscuous sex.) And I'm sure you who know me could easily add to this list! But the positives are things I can- hopefully!- build upon while the negatives provide me ample areas for growth.

And while most of my year was OK, the last month+ have taken more-than-a-little wind out of my sails. My schedule, as well as an illness, caused me to miss out on seeing someone a few times. Combined with other reasons, this person chose to, well, sail on earlier this month (see here.) I had really grown to care for and about this person very much, and I thought the affection seemed mutual. I'm not naive, I had/have no false illusions or unreasonable expectations about the limitations a relationship such as ours had, and part of me understands the choice that was made; I understand this person much more than I believe they gave me credit for. Having said that, it doesn't mean that I have to like the choice that was made nor that I wasn't hurt by same. So that was/is a bummer. But more recently, and far more importantly, my mom has been a bit ill the last month+ (despite her age, she'd been pretty healthy 'til recently), culminating in a PT scan (a few days after I was dumped- talk about timing) that revealed a cancerous growth on one of her lungs. Hardly the kind of news anyone wants, especially around the holiday season. Folks who know me or have read this blog for awhile know that I have a great relationship with and care very much for my mom. The last almost two months have been difficult; first she had a bout of the flu, then issues which resulted in several doc appointments, a trip to the ER, CT scans, the PT scan, and most recently an appointment to set up a biopsy. Obviously she's worried and and scared, and while I've tried to be supportive and positive I also can't help but think "Is this the last Christmas/New Year/etc... we'll have together" morbid as I know that is. This has made me ponder where I'm going/what I'm doing with my life as well- have I hurt/disappointed others, those I care most for and about? Have I been too much too long about me at the expense of others? Should I/do I have to make some changes? There's a line somewhere in Scripture about a time to put away childish things. Has the manner in which I've been conducting my life been a childish thing?

Not the most uplifting way to end what had been a pretty good year. I thank all of you who take the time to read the thoughts I express here, who offer your feedback, even the occasional- constructive!- criticism, and most of all for your friendship and support.

Soulshine, Allman Bros. Band

When you can't find the light,
That got you through the cloudy days.
When the stars ain't shinin' bright,
You feel like you've lost you're way.
When those candle lights of home,
Burn so very far away.
Well you got to let your soul shine,
Just like my daddy used to say.

He used to say soulshine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Hey now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometime,
Got to let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

I grew up thinkin' that I had it made,
Gonna make it on my own.
Life can take the strongest man,
Make him feel so alone.
Now and then I feel a cold wind,
Blowin' through my achin' bones.
I think back to what my daddy said,
He said "Boy, in the darkness before the dawn,"

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness,
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul.
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this.
And when your world seems cold,
You got to let your spirit take control.

Let your soul shine,
It's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Lord now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

Oh, it's better than sunshine,
It's better than moonshine,
Damn sure better than rain.
Yeah now people don't mind,
We all get this way sometimes,
Gotta let your soul shine,
Shine till the break of day.

I gave you my heart
And I tried to make you happy
But you gave me nuthin' in return.
You know it ain't so hard to say
Would you please just go away...
Sail On- Commodores

It's interesting when I think about how things, about how people, have affected me over the last several years now. Back before, when my "other" side was firmly in control, I was a pretty cold, aloof, unaffected person. (No wisecracks from those who would say I still am.) Not uncaring, not unkind, but just... cool. Played things very close to the vest, never showed hurt, be it a broken hand or a broken heart (I still have a high threshold of physical pain) largely kept people at arms-length with a kind of benign f*ck 'em attitude (if there be such a thing.) Some of it was conditioning, some of it preventative- don't be too vulnerable, don't be too revealing, too dependent, don't allow anyone to get too close to hurt me. Like many of the people I knew then, and some I still know now. While in some ways I still do some of this, I still allow- most- people to get just so close and no further, there are some to whom I have opened up and trusted and revealed myself to. And with them I generally keep things pretty light, and I'm pretty low (but not no) maintenance as well; that's just the way I am. As I've become ever more comfortable and embracing of my TGism I've become more open and embracing of and toward others as well. Whereas before I wouldn't be especially affected by, say, someone's struggles, someone's losses, someone's fears and such- I'd adopt a Whaddya gonna do mindset toward those struggles, losses, fears, etc...- these days I often am.

But it can come at a cost. Trying to establish and/or maintain some sort of a mutually-beneficial relationship- not high maintenance, not obsessive or needy, but simply one of mutual caring, interest, and support. Understanding. Friendship. Sharing good times and successes. Making allowances as needed. Affection growing stronger over time, growing to like and care for and about one another, the good and the bad, the successes and the setbacks. Giving. Reciprocity. Perhaps most important (to me, anyway) loyalty. These can apply to countless relationships; siblings, friends, dating interests, even workplace. Investing time and making effort into something and then to have it disappear...

Yeah, caring can come at a cost. Maybe it is better to be colder and aloof. I can do that.