"When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." -Mark Twain
A lil introspective tonight while nipping away at the bottle of Black Bush stored in my desk... Increasingly I'm finding a lot of wisdom in the above quotes. I try not to dwell too much upon the past but invariably at times it rears it's head. Tonight is one of those times. I unexpectedly came across several notes and messages from someone from the past. It is true- the few things that haunt me are the things that I didn't do, didn't pursue, the people especially that I didn't make time for, not the things I've actually did and done, good, bad, and indifferent. I don't regret- much- things I didn't do/pursue/make time for that I'd have liked to have done because of family and friends. They deserve that attention, that commitment, that loyalty, from me, even if there were times that, honestly, I'd have preferred to do something else. What I greatly regret are things that I didn't and- largely- haven't done/pursued/made time for because of excessive loyalty and responsibility to people, things, even values that, within reason, are good but to excess are, well, limiting (how responsible do I have to be financially? How dependable an employee do I have to be?)
Part of it is that I've always had, or set, a hierarchy of sorts, of people and things that I value and try my best to extend responsibility, extend loyalty, to. I imagine most people do this. I'm not sure how many do it to the extent I do, or seldom revisit or revise them based upon changes in circumstances, in priorities, in life. First is family (Mom, sibs, sibs-in-law, niece/nephew, relatives.) Friends from home. Friends from college. Friends from this part of my life. Recent friends, acquaintances, neighbors. And overriding most of this are work/financial responsibilities. In no small part due to the fact that, many years ago now, I was truly struggling financially. I'm not sure where any of this came from. I know other people seem to adapt and change far more easily than I. Lessons and values inculcated when I was young? My- relatively- conventional, traditional, conservative personal nature? I dunno...
Some people mistakenly believe that I seldom meet them because I'm not that serious about them. Or am afraid to see them. Or that I'm self-centered. None of these are true. On my mind right now are four people. One of them I've known for many years, before he got married even; we get along well and have a pretty good relationship even tho' we haven't actually seen one another in many years, even tho' he only lives about 15 mins south of the city. He enjoys the whole T "scene" (I still remember the time many years ago we went to Jacque's and Johnny the bartender thought he was my brother- too funny!) A really great guy. Another is someone I've known almost as long as I've been "out"- an intelligent, interesting, fascinating- and fun!- guy, a published author to boot. Again, he hasn't lived too far away (Cape Ann) and I had been up there to see him years ago. We lost touch over the years but recently re-connected. Another is someone whom, while there was greater physical distance, frequently came back up to Boston (where he grew up) and felt a real, deep- and what seemed to be mutual- connection. But almost every time he made the effort, I was busy. I had responsibilities to tend to. He's married now. And more recently someone whom I share a lot in common with who, admittedly, lives a lil further away and has a fairly busy schedule of his own but, again, has made more efforts to try to meet, simply for dinner/drinks/catch a game. All good, solid, real people, any/all of whom I'd have liked/would like to see, spend time/hang out with, get to know better, people I wanted/want to be there for; people who seemed/seem to like and want to spend time with me, for me. While I believe I'm reasonably adept at presenting a, well, reasonably presentable feminine appearance I'm fully aware there are many T's- nevermind GGs- out there far more attractive than I. Given my height (5'6") weight/body mass and, now, 'mones, as well as any eptness with makeup, fashion, etc... I reasonably can blend in as an, ahem, early-40 something woman. And I'm good with that. I believe my personality makes up for what I may be lacking in the glam department. My point being that I enjoy being out among and with people. I'm not anti-social. I'm not fearful. And I deeply regret the missed opportunities to do so, be they fun and frivolous, deep and romantic, and any/everything in between, deeply regret the things I didn't/haven't done, more than- most- of the things I may have done and screwed up or made a fool of myself doing, let alone the responsible and dependable things I did/have done for people and places that perhaps haven't deserved that level of commitment, of loyalty from me.
Talk about buzzed blogging...
Not sure why I added this one, but enjoy :)
